Please help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Please help me!
3
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 3:03pm

I know this is long, but please take the time to read it and give any advice/opinions, I really feel lost right now.... thanks for any help

My girlfriend (21) of 3 yrs and I(23) recently broke up in the beginning of august. She broke up with me reason being she wanted to be by herself and not be with anybody, she has been in a relationship since sophomore yr highschool, and she say that she doesn't know who she is or what she wants, and needs to be by herself for a while. I understand that, She said that she doesn't want to date anybody for a long long time. This was a very sudden breakup with no trying to work it out. Our relationship was great, never fought, had fun together completely open with each other, completely honest with each other about everything. So when she told me that she didn't want to be with anybody I believed her. While we were together there was this guy who worked with her and they became friends and hung out and did things together, baseball games, parks, stuff like that. I knew that he had a crush on her but was ok with them doing things together because she was always honest with me and always came home to me. I didn't want to be the jealous boyfriend and I wanted her to have fun and be happy. She even told me when he told her that he had feelings for her and she told him that it would never happen, and they should just be friends.

A week or so after we broke up he once again told her how he really wanted them to take it to the next level, and she insisted that they just be friends. We are trying to remain friends and talk about everything we are feeling and thinking, its hard but it helps. So she told me about this because she didn't want to hide anything from me.

A week later I went to visit her and some of my friends and go see a local band we all enjoy. Later that night I needed to get some things off my chest that i was feeling and during the conversation she tells me that her and this guy got drunk slept together on two seperate nights! I couldn't believe it, I felt lied to and disrespected. She SAYS she regets doing it and would take it back if she could, but she also says that she feels like she did nothing wrong since we are broken up, but does that make it right? How can she be over me in a couple weeks to sleep with somebody already, after swearing to me that she absolutely didn't want to be with anybody? I've expressed to her how it made me feel, but do I have a right to feel like that. I think it hurts more that she told me something and did the opposite, after 3 yrs of complete honesty and respect.
Since we have broken up, I have respected her wishes as far what makes her uncomfortable, and this guy just keeps on pushing her and pushing her. I feel as if this guy isn't respecting her the way she should be and I don't think she sees that. One last thing, after we talked I left and she had him come over to tell him again that she didn't want to be with him and she just wants to be friends.

I know we are broken up, but I feel lied to and that what we had really wasn't real because it was based on being honest and open and broke that. Do I have a right to feel like this??? Please help, what do I do..

sorry for making it long, it helps to type things down...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 3:23pm
i do think that you have a right to be hurt....it's only natural, and it's probably natural/normal to feel angry also, but i don't think you have a right to be angry at her. i know it's hard and it hurts, but really.....you're not together anymore, and just because she slept with someone doesn't mean she's "with someone". she may have very well meant it when she said she didn't want to be with anyone/be in a relationship.....but that doesn't mean she can't sleep with someone......i know it sounds horrible and it's a hard pill to swallow, but it's true.....maybe she really did get drunk those two times and made a mistake, or maybe she just wanted to experience something/someone different....i know you probably hate me right now, but i'm being honest. plus, she didn't have to tell you anything, which i don't think she should have.....but she did so that should count for something. another thing, i don't think it's a very good idea to remain friends when you've been in a long term relationship with someone, especially so soon after the break-up.....i think it's nearly impossible, as you can see, it's difficult already when you hear about her being with another man....that's torture. well i'm sorry if i've said things you didn't want to hear, but just being honest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 3:34pm

i appreciate your help.. i do have another question if you can help

I also am very good friends with her family, they were my second family while i was in college, they still invite to family things and i enjoy being with them. and my ex has told them that she confortable with me visiting them and stuff, which makes it harder to stop being friends, do you really think that friendship wont work out?? what do i do about it??

also

since she feels bad about it doesn't that mean that I still mean something to her, or she still might have feelings for me? She still wants to see me sometimes and wants to come visit me for a day or two (I live about an hour away now) and I, of course, still want to be with her and hang out, I'm just confused on what she is thinking..... I mean she broke up with me, not the other way around, why does she still want to see me and talk to me. Its like shes trying to distance herself and hang on to me and the same time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 4:52pm

to be honest, like i said before.....i think it is impossible, or near impossible for you to be friends with her especially so soon......and forget about it being soon because time really doesn't play a huge factor it more so has to do with how you feel. can you honestly say that you don't want to be more than friends with her? it seems to me that you're not over your break up yet, and if that's the case, how can you possibly be friends with her? it's sounds all nice and stuff but it will be torture, trust me on that. and no, i don't think that you should still hang with her family...that would also be torture, it would be a constant reminder of her and the time that you shared together...a definate no no. i know you don't want to hear this, but it's true.

and to answer your next question......i'm sure she still does have feelings for you, you were together for a while, but does that change your situation or make you feel any better? the bottom line is........she does not want to be with you right now or maybe ever so why does it matter is she still has feelings for you? my ex and i were together for 4 years ( 2 of which we lived together), we broke up a year ago (i did the breaking up), and i still love him and miss him soooooooooooooooooooo much i can't even explain. i regretted breaking up with him and for a whole year have been trying to get him back...he does not want to get back together, but.......he does call me and tell me he misses me and wants to see me. he just did that yesterday. it's been a whole year, and because i haven't been able to be strong and resist him when he calls and say's he misses me and wants to see me, even though he doesn't want to be with me........here i am a year after the break up still trying to heal and let go and still feeling the same pain as if we just broke up yesterday....trust me, you do not want to be in my shoes a year after your break up. if you really take the time and put in the hard work and energy needed to heal a broken heart and let go, im pretty positive you won't find yourself in my shoes a year from now....and trust me when i say, you don't want to. please try to learn from my mistakes and weakness. why do they tell us they miss us and want to see us and not want to be with us? i have no idea, i've questioned that on many occasions too....but the bottom line remains the same.....no matter what they still feel for us, they do not want to be with us....plain and simple.....hard to take in...but very true. if it was a mutual break up because the love just died and neither party still had "love" feelings for eachother, than i'd say great...be friends, but that is not the case in your situation or mine...so we must let go.




Edited 9/7/2005 4:59 pm ET ET by trying_2_heal