please help me get through this

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
please help me get through this
14
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 12:34pm

Hi..I'm new and I need help so badly. I feel like my life just ended.

My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me last night. We had been on and off for the 4 years. This time we were together for 5 months and it was going amazing. I finally thought we were on the same page and this was going to be it. I know..knew..he was the last person I was ever going to be with.

When the subject of living together came up we both couldn't wait to do it when my lease was up. It was going to be great. I made sure to tell him what it meant to me though: to me moving in means we're going to start a life together and are considering getting engaged. This is when all hell broke loose. He doesn't see it like that at all. He sees it as something that will bring us closer, but had no plans to marry me anytime in the coming years. After my initial shock I decided that my feelings for him were strong enough to let me be patient, I don't NEED to get married just yet anyway.

But that wasn't good enough. Him hearing me say that I was fairly certain he was the person I was going to marry made him start thinking about it and now he has realized that he does not see us getting married almost completely because of some of the bad things that we both have done throughout the relationship. So he broke up with me.

So here I am. A month ago my entire personal life was in order and heading up. He was telling me he loved me all the time. And now it's all been pulled out from under me and I don't know what to do. I'm so in love with everything about him, the good and the bad, and I've spent the past few months fully committing myself to it and now he just ended it.

I'm a complete mess..I couldn't even go to work today. He wants to see me tomorrow to tell me in person all these things and it's going to be so hard to see the face that I love more than anything look at me and not be in love with me anymore. I'm always so depressed without him. I've been with the best and left them for him, thats how strongly I'm drawn to him. And now I know this is the last time we will ever break up..It's really over.

Help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 1:08pm

I'm sorry you are hurting, but, truth be told - isn't it better that he broke up with you NOW, instead of AFTER you moved in together and were 'playing house' for a while? He's not ready for that type of commitment, you are. I know it hurts, but, it was probably hard for him to end it as well - but, by doing so, he is 'freeing' you to find the one that DOES want that type of commitment.

As for seeing him in person, I wouldn't do it. That's like pouring salt into an open wound. Just tell him no thanks, and start a no contact rule.

Then go out and read "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken"...it will help.

We're all here for you!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 1:43pm

I agree with northern_lites. As much as you want to see him, don't do it. It will be more painful. And get the book -- I started reading it last night and really did help. And start wrapping your mind around the idea of having no contact. It's so hard to do, but it helps, honest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 3:20pm

Well I need to see him. I'm hoping we'll trade belongings that we have at each other's apartments. And since we didn't break up in person..it happened on the phone, I don't even think he meant to do it, his true emotions just came out..

And he just called. The official reason for the break up for anyone who's keeping track: His morals won't let him marry someone who he's had such a checkered history with. It's not what he pictured his life would be.

For the record about 8 months ago he wanted to marry me and none of that "history" stuff mattered..but we broke up because i was just graduating college and freaking out.

I'm just not ready for this. It's like I don't want to feel better. I don't want to move on. I just want him and his face. I'm not even attracted to anyone else..they aren't him.

:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 3:48pm

Go here and read this:

http://www.randomhouse.com/broadway/breakup/advice_sixtydays.htm

You do NOT need to see him to exchange belongings. TRUST ME - you will only cause yourself pain! Arrange for him to drop them at your house or give them to a mutual friend and do the same for HIS stuff. Seeing him is only going to be like pouring salt into a gaping wound.

He sounds very fickle and you don't realize it now - but you are better off without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 4:15pm

I understand. I don't want anyone other than my ex either. The thought makes my stomach hurt. You don't need to exchange your belongings right now. Wait a week. Try a mutually agreed week of no contact and then you can decide how to proceed with the exchange. A friend can help you with it or you can figure out a plan. Emotions are too raw and hurty right now to do this.

It's OK -- you're probably going to meet him anyway (I always do the thing that's absolutely going to hurt me the most too), and we'll be here for you tomorrow or the next day when you're a basketcase. And hopefully you'll be here to cheer us up when we backslide too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 5:17pm

As has already been stated, buy It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken. Read it once. Then, read it again.

Read the boards and realize you're not alone and you can get through this, without him, and you'll be stronger and better off once it's all said and done.

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 7:17pm
My father made me and my ex a bedroom set (it's absolutely beautiful and very symbolic to me because he made it for US). It is still at our, now his, apartment. I need to get it back and he told me that i HAVE to be there when my dad and brother come to get it. any time before I would have jumped at the chance of seeing him and there is a part of me that still "needs" to go to see him. But I can't because seeing him will only hurt me more because I will look at him and see all of my lost hopes and dreams. I don't know when I'll get it but if the condition he puts on it is that I have to be there because if he is uncomfortable than I have to be also. So he can hang onto it until I know that there won't be any tears. If you need your stuff back that badly....send a friend to do the exchange. you are not ready to see him yet, if ever again. why be confronted with someone that shattered your heart and will remind you of it? you want to be faced with people that lift you up and catch you when you fall. he will never be able to do that for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 10:03pm

Well I'm a designer and my portfolio is at his apartment..thats really the only urgent thing I need.

On the seeing him side..I want to so badly. We have such a weird relationship..I never really know if it's actually over, because obviously it never has been before since I'm right back here again. It's hard to look at it as "why would I want to see the man who broke my heart" because he has so many times, and I've broke his. It's not cut and dry like a normal relationship..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 11:11pm

My on again off again relationship is really OVER this time so I know how you feel. I also know that (deep down inside) its better off because NO ONE deserves an on and off anything.

If you decide to not see him, tell him to drop off your things outside your house or at a friends house. If you do see him, be strong. Put your best game face on and be aloof. Be polite when you have the talk and keep it short. Show him that your life is not over and that you are working on moving past this on and off relationship to better yourself.

Remember your self worth and know that you and we all deserve better than maybe's and not sure's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 10:27am

Thanks. About half the people I'm calling to console me..even my mom..can't even take the break up seriously since it's the story of my life with this man. It a weird way their reactions were giving me hope, maybe this IS just another one of our typical events that I have always believed is going to lead us to eventual happily ever after. But the at night I was on the phone with him and I asked him flat out if this was different that all the other times and he told me "yes, this is the last time." HE REALLY MEANS IT.

So I am going to see him tonight, just to get that one last time in, and then I'm going into no contact mode..We'll see how it goes. I'm making him come to me because I know if I go to his place I will want to stay over and he will let me because he feels bad. This way he can just leave and maybe I will be more at peace..

I still miss his body so much. Out of all the bad things in my relationship the one stellar thing was our intimacy..both emotional and physical. I never felt insecure about my body and he never about his. That will be the hardest part of trying to move on. Trusting someone else that they aren't judging me while they are being intimate with me.

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