please help me get through this

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
please help me get through this
14
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 12:34pm

Hi..I'm new and I need help so badly. I feel like my life just ended.

My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me last night. We had been on and off for the 4 years. This time we were together for 5 months and it was going amazing. I finally thought we were on the same page and this was going to be it. I know..knew..he was the last person I was ever going to be with.

When the subject of living together came up we both couldn't wait to do it when my lease was up. It was going to be great. I made sure to tell him what it meant to me though: to me moving in means we're going to start a life together and are considering getting engaged. This is when all hell broke loose. He doesn't see it like that at all. He sees it as something that will bring us closer, but had no plans to marry me anytime in the coming years. After my initial shock I decided that my feelings for him were strong enough to let me be patient, I don't NEED to get married just yet anyway.

But that wasn't good enough. Him hearing me say that I was fairly certain he was the person I was going to marry made him start thinking about it and now he has realized that he does not see us getting married almost completely because of some of the bad things that we both have done throughout the relationship. So he broke up with me.

So here I am. A month ago my entire personal life was in order and heading up. He was telling me he loved me all the time. And now it's all been pulled out from under me and I don't know what to do. I'm so in love with everything about him, the good and the bad, and I've spent the past few months fully committing myself to it and now he just ended it.

I'm a complete mess..I couldn't even go to work today. He wants to see me tomorrow to tell me in person all these things and it's going to be so hard to see the face that I love more than anything look at me and not be in love with me anymore. I'm always so depressed without him. I've been with the best and left them for him, thats how strongly I'm drawn to him. And now I know this is the last time we will ever break up..It's really over.

Help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 10:35am

I know exactly what you mean about missing the physical intimacy. That's been the hardest part for me. That's the part of the relationship that has always worked. I've never been more comfortable naked with any other man. I miss everything about that part of our relationship. And that's a big part of why I stayed for so long even after I realized the rest of it did not and would not ever work.

I find it hard to believe that I'll ever be with someone else with whom the physical intimacy is so perfect. My girlfriends keep telling me that I will, but I don't believe it. If I relapse it's likely to be for a booty call -- which is why no contact is essential.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 11:12am

Hi hun, sorry for you pain!! I dont have much time before i have to leave for work, but wanted to give you my quick two cents, and will maybe give you more detail when i get home from work tonight.

I had that book, I had EVERY book. I did the 30 NC thing,well started, joined a gym, worked out, didn't date, wasnt attracted to anyone like yourself. We broke up on Halloween 05, and I met a girl on here with exact same situation like you and I, we decided to do it together, we talked for hours online every night. So, I had my target date set, and so did she, but my man caved before I got there, and we wound up getting back together...he admitted he missed me terribly, sad every night, BUT wasn't willing to give me that life commitment, and that is why we broke up in the first place. Definately do NOT contact him and DO NOT meet to exchange things. I got all his stuff, asked when i could bring them by when he wouldnt be there, etc... went there with BAGS for all my stuff, brought a support team, and cried in his house bagging up my stuff for like an hour.

Having a very similar situation to yours, time (3 1/2 yrs) same break up, etc... Best thing I can say, at day 25, do not see or talk to him, he will most likely come around when he realizes what he is going to be without. As long as you keep contact, he knows you are still there, and he can lead you on from afar. I hate to cut it short, but have to leave, here I am, present day, with this man! Happy as ever, now living together, with a commitment and it was all about the way I ignored him that made him cave and come running to me, eventually...it took 6 weeks.

Will get back to you later with more detail!
Weez
Oh, and by the way, the other girl I met on here, we have become so close, that was 2005, she too got back together with her non commital guy, and they have thier closing on thier home they bought together next Wednesday. See, so what is meant to be, will be, it just might take some time, patients, and definately NC! One thing I will say, within the six weeks, he didn't call at all, but texted me...wanna do it? lets have sex, etc.. I did reply, and always said NO..that was it, NO..he would be like why not? and then I wouldnt reply. So hang in there, i will touch base later...believe me, its not the end of the world, just hang in there...read all these posts, thats what i did, make friends, and email or IM eachother personally, its a support buddy who knows, not your GF's, sister or mom saying, oh you could do better, blah, blah, he's a jerk...they dont get it!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 1:28pm

Well, thanks for the advice. I'm trying really hard not to have thoughts of him coming back..because then when he doesn't, well..you know.

And I did see him the other day. It was amazing and terrible at the same time. I wish I hadn't done it honestly. Before I saw him we had broken up on the phone and therefore my last memory of him was pretty negative. But seeing him in person..I'm still so in love. We cuddled, we laughed, we cried. It was basically just like how it is when we get back together..we both spend the whole time being the most perfect version of us as a couple. Only when it was over my heart couldn't help but feel we were getting back together and I knew his heart wasn't thinking that. His brain was, his brain is incredibly into me, but his heart just isn't. So now my last memory of him is a perfect one, the exact thing that makes me know I want to be with him forever. Not exactly easy.

But you would be proud of me: I told him not to call me to check up on me. Not to call me to tell me he misses me. He is only to call me if he KNOWS he made a huge mistake and realizes he wants to be with me completely..not buts, no conditions..truly be with me.

So after I saw him he texted me that everything in his house reminded me of him. A couple hours later I wrote back "ditto." The next morning I broke and sent "it's just so hard." And he wrote back how much he wanted to call me. And that he's so confused and feels like he's making a huge mistake and he's scared he f***ed up everything we had. I told him I wasn't going to be with someone who questions their love for me.

But now I wish I hadn't told him not to call..I wish I had phone calls to ignore. I want to hear that he misses me..not to give me hope really, but just to hear it. But he's doing a great job of not calling or even texting now.

Sorry it's so long, but I'm dying inside a little bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 3:13pm

After a week and a half of him really wanting to see me and telling me that he wished he and I could work through all this together instead of apart and that he's never felt so terrible in all his life (he even feels worse than the other times we've broken up)..after all that I was strong. I said I wouldn't see him or talk to him on the phone. I told him if he really wanted to share something with me he could email me an I would read it, but nothing more.

After all that I did the stupidest thing: invited him over and slept with him. IDIOT. For some reason I thought I could do it and still feel the way I did, which was more or less ok with everything because I knew he really missed me and that gave me the power to move on a little (but still slightly hold on to the hope that he would beg me back and really mean it). But now it's totally different. I guess I thought if I gave in and saw him it would bring him closer to me. Instead, the rate of communication has remained the same, which is devaasting. He claims that he loved being here for the night and it really made him remember how strong some of his feelings are for me, but it didn't solve anything. And now I'm more depressed about it than ever. I feel used and I feel like I threw away all the stength I was showing by not giving in to him.

Terrible..

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