I am so sorry for what you are going through, I am going through a very similar situation.
My ex told me the same things, that he would be honest no matter what and that communication was key. In reality that is ideally how he wanted it to be but at the same time he tiptoed around my feelings in order not to hurt me. He never said "no" and sugar coated everything to avoid conflict. Maybe your ex's feelings led him to overlook reality, that he really didn't want a relationship? Maybe he really didn't want to be in a relationship but cared/loved you so much?
My relationship was long distance which also stunted the growth of our relationship, leaving a lot of stagnancy, and he worked a lot and made excuses as to why he didn't call some nights. At one point I told him I couldn't do it, it was too depressing, and I would cry and cry on the phone saying the distance was too hard and he begged me and told me everything would be fine, that he loved me that we could work through anything, that we would be living together soon. So I stayed around to make it work. We talked about kids, marriage, everything, and he is the first that I had ever talked about this with. He is the first person I have ever truly loved and trusted enough to be this serious with.
Then 6 months later he says he wants out, that its over, and he was a totally different person, totally emotionally detached, not the empathetic loving person I knew, and he did it when I was least expecting it, when he told me everything was fine 4 hours before, and that everything was fine for months and months. I was even supposed to move up to where he lives 1000 miles away. My life was completely disrupted, and I'm still picking up the peices trying to figure out my future. He had never been a jerk to me in such a severe manner, later learning that the entire time he wasn't giving it his all anyway, that he loved me but was too detached emotionally to give me what a relationship is based on, mutual emotional connections, and mutual honesty and trust.
It sounds like he may be a little commitment phobic or may have brought stigma from past relationships to this one. Seeing as to how he was distant but in the relationship still, not giving too much to it. I am going through exactly what you are, and can't quite understand my situation just yet, but just know that he was not completely honest with you from what it sounds like, with all the excuses and rearranging of plans, which creates detachment and distance. Also, with him setting you up to make you leave, by leaving traps, he obviously wanted out, but might have felt too guilty to say anything. I mean, my ex started to seem distant and I became more clingy as a result, it becomes a vicious cycle and pattern that usually ends with a break up. You said you didn't want to give up partly because he didn't want to give up, but by the way he was acting he had already given up, I know exactly the feeling. I was lead to believe he wouldn't give up and was convincing me I would, so I stayed to make it work.
I hope you feel okay. I know the confusion you are experiencing and thinking you won't trust again. I am struggling with even thinking about dating for a long long while. Maybe write him a letter saying how you feel, I found that helped tremendously. I hope you find closure in this situation and hopefully he can be honest with you as to what happened. Let us know what happens
I'm sorry for the pain you're going through but I think he's shown you his true nature--the stuff he said and did early on was more "for show" if you will.
i can totally relate to you on that. my ex was the great communicator in the beginning and then he started to be distant and when i wanted to talk about a problem he didn't. he said there was no problem and i was overreacting, etc.. but to tell you the truth i was getting so many red flags and i couldn't avoid them so i nagged and he doesn't like nagging and he left. we talked about it right after the break up. he said he could never be with someone who cries and gets upset all of the time. hmmm. well, i'm pretty sure that the only times i got upset was because of him, so, whatever. he's an idiot, i'm pretty sure he wants a girl who's heart is made of stone.
its weird how guys can be so similar. my recent ex, used to tell me (because i got bad stomach problems from sterss) to let it out and tell me what was wrong right away instead of hiding it, which i did a lot when we lived together. but sometimes when i would try to talk about some stuff, he wouldnt have tha patience to listen to me, and would just say he had to go out with the guys that night, he would talk to me later, even though later was around midnight. i also got so many lies, which is why he ended it last week, because i was trying to trust him, and i guess it got too much, but that's not my fault i was trying to trust him again, but his for lying
he would also say yes you can come over after school (i ended wednesdays at 10, which was really late to go all the way to my house) but for a couple weeks in a row, right before i went to class he was say hes out with his buddy and wouldnt be back at home by 10, if i really needed to i could come by (would never say no but would make it feel like i was bringing him down by going over) the last time he did that i broke it off, and we went on a break for a month.
i had also asked a few times if he was doing all this to get me to end things, instead of him. i still think that, hes still too immature for a relationship, he told me he loved me still, and wanted to stay faithful but couldnt have a girlfriend (which im sure he'll take back when he sees the single life isnt the greatest)
since youre relationship wasnt too long, though it will be hard to get over, you'll be better off. in six months you should be so happy and excited with eachother, none of that nonsense. my ex and i had a tons of fun in that time. maybe you could write everything you want to tell him in a journal, just get everything out. there probably isnt much of a point in telling him, calling i doubt would be good. i hope you feel better soon
It IS amazing how everyone's stories are so similar...and how guys are so similar. I say to you, feel LUCKY that you got to see his "true colors" early on. I did not and over 5 years have gone by.
It seems to me that when someone says "I WOULD" or "I would NEVER" do this in a relationship, they are trying to convince you (and themselves) because they know they have faults in that area. My bf in the beginning stated many times that he would never treat a girl a certain way and then did it to me! It probably happened with his ex-wife, also. (I mean why are they exes?!) He probably did the same thing to her only she was not as smart as your or as lucky as you to get out in the beginning.
I know it hurts, but be glad you didn't find this out years later after you got married or had kids. I hope you feel strong again soon.
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I am so sorry for what you are going through, I am going through a very similar situation.
My ex told me the same things, that he would be honest no matter what and that communication was key. In reality that is ideally how he wanted it to be but at the same time he tiptoed around my feelings in order not to hurt me. He never said "no" and sugar coated everything to avoid conflict. Maybe your ex's feelings led him to overlook reality, that he really didn't want a relationship? Maybe he really didn't want to be in a relationship but cared/loved you so much?
My relationship was long distance which also stunted the growth of our relationship, leaving a lot of stagnancy, and he worked a lot and made excuses as to why he didn't call some nights. At one point I told him I couldn't do it, it was too depressing, and I would cry and cry on the phone saying the distance was too hard and he begged me and told me everything would be fine, that he loved me that we could work through anything, that we would be living together soon. So I stayed around to make it work. We talked about kids, marriage, everything, and he is the first that I had ever talked about this with. He is the first person I have ever truly loved and trusted enough to be this serious with.
Then 6 months later he says he wants out, that its over, and he was a totally different person, totally emotionally detached, not the empathetic loving person I knew, and he did it when I was least expecting it, when he told me everything was fine 4 hours before, and that everything was fine for months and months. I was even supposed to move up to where he lives 1000 miles away. My life was completely disrupted, and I'm still picking up the peices trying to figure out my future. He had never been a jerk to me in such a severe manner, later learning that the entire time he wasn't giving it his all anyway, that he loved me but was too detached emotionally to give me what a relationship is based on, mutual emotional connections, and mutual honesty and trust.
It sounds like he may be a little commitment phobic or may have brought stigma from past relationships to this one. Seeing as to how he was distant but in the relationship still, not giving too much to it. I am going through exactly what you are, and can't quite understand my situation just yet, but just know that he was not completely honest with you from what it sounds like, with all the excuses and rearranging of plans, which creates detachment and distance. Also, with him setting you up to make you leave, by leaving traps, he obviously wanted out, but might have felt too guilty to say anything. I mean, my ex started to seem distant and I became more clingy as a result, it becomes a vicious cycle and pattern that usually ends with a break up. You said you didn't want to give up partly because he didn't want to give up, but by the way he was acting he had already given up, I know exactly the feeling. I was lead to believe he wouldn't give up and was convincing me I would, so I stayed to make it work.
I hope you feel okay. I know the confusion you are experiencing and thinking you won't trust again. I am struggling with even thinking about dating for a long long while. Maybe write him a letter saying how you feel, I found that helped tremendously. I hope you find closure in this situation and hopefully he can be honest with you as to what happened. Let us know what happens
I'm sorry for the pain you're going through but I think he's shown you his true nature--the stuff he said and did early on was more "for show" if you will.
i can totally relate to you on that. my ex was the great communicator in the beginning and then he started to be distant and when i wanted to talk about a problem he didn't. he said there was no problem and i was overreacting, etc.. but to tell you the truth i was getting so many red flags and i couldn't avoid them so i nagged and he doesn't like nagging and he left. we talked about it right after the break up. he said he could never be with someone who cries and gets upset all of the time. hmmm. well, i'm pretty sure that the only times i got upset was because of him, so, whatever. he's an idiot, i'm pretty sure he wants a girl who's heart is made of stone.
Thank you all so much for your responses.
its weird how guys can be so similar. my recent ex, used to tell me (because i got bad stomach problems from sterss) to let it out and tell me what was wrong right away instead of hiding it, which i did a lot when we lived together. but sometimes when i would try to talk about some stuff, he wouldnt have tha patience to listen to me, and would just say he had to go out with the guys that night, he would talk to me later, even though later was around midnight. i also got so many lies, which is why he ended it last week, because i was trying to trust him, and i guess it got too much, but that's not my fault i was trying to trust him again, but his for lying
he would also say yes you can come over after school (i ended wednesdays at 10, which was really late to go all the way to my house) but for a couple weeks in a row, right before i went to class he was say hes out with his buddy and wouldnt be back at home by 10, if i really needed to i could come by (would never say no but would make it feel like i was bringing him down by going over) the last time he did that i broke it off, and we went on a break for a month.
i had also asked a few times if he was doing all this to get me to end things, instead of him. i still think that, hes still too immature for a relationship, he told me he loved me still, and wanted to stay faithful but couldnt have a girlfriend (which im sure he'll take back when he sees the single life isnt the greatest)
since youre relationship wasnt too long, though it will be hard to get over, you'll be better off. in six months you should be so happy and excited with eachother, none of that nonsense. my ex and i had a tons of fun in that time. maybe you could write everything you want to tell him in a journal, just get everything out. there probably isnt much of a point in telling him, calling i doubt would be good. i hope you feel better soon
It IS amazing how everyone's stories are so similar...and how guys are so similar. I say to you, feel LUCKY that you got to see his "true colors" early on. I did not and over 5 years have gone by.
It seems to me that when someone says "I WOULD" or "I would NEVER" do this in a relationship, they are trying to convince you (and themselves) because they know they have faults in that area. My bf in the beginning stated many times that he would never treat a girl a certain way and then did it to me! It probably happened with his ex-wife, also. (I mean why are they exes?!) He probably did the same thing to her only she was not as smart as your or as lucky as you to get out in the beginning.
I know it hurts, but be glad you didn't find this out years later after you got married or had kids. I hope you feel strong again soon.
Liz
Who knows why, but most likely because the relationship was working from his standpoint and he didn't want to have to start over with someone else.
Welcome to the board starquake,.
What did he win?
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