don't worry, at least you got out of it early enough to realize all of this. just think if it would've been a few years down the line you would've invested so much in the relationship the devastation would've been extreme. thankfully you now know of red flags, just like I do, especially with men who have such an eagerness and willingness to enter a relationship thinking they don't have to try and that everything will fall into place despite emotional detachment and despite the other person making all the sacrifices. my ex and i ended it three weeks ago, but it gets a little better everyday. and some days are worse than others. the sad thing is, my ex and i ended it positively, unlike your situation, yet i still think he will revert to old habits, despite everything he said to me. i remember i was just as confused hurt and upset as you were and thought i would feel that horrible forever. if he really did love you and care, he would've made an effort and wouldn't have made it a game. you always expect the best in someone when you fall in love, the best traits of both people come out in the beginning, but obviously, some people just can't handle or realize that relationships do have issues, and differences as you grow together. these differences can be balanced and worked on with both party's equal effort, but without that mutual acceptance and understanding, one person ends up dragging all the weight. best wishes. let us know how things are going soon.
I know exactly how you are feeling. Exactly. You are wondering if anything was really true in the relationship considering how it ended and how he acted so maliciously in the end. I constantly am questioning my ex's last remarks with him saying "remember the good things, i love you still and care for you as a friend, we will stay in contact, the circumstances just weren't right for us right now". But he still is in debt to me and owes me a lot of money and told me he would be honest and send it. If he really was being genuine the whole time he would've called and said he sent my money, or called to see if my flight got back okay when i left, instead of me waiting around wondering why he said all those things, saying he knows i sacrificed a lot and that he would pay me. He also told me he would be devastated if we broke up, and that I was the one, and all kinds of things. Just as you are wishing he would call and apologize. Who knows, maybe he will, but for the time being remember, if he really cared how you felt he would've been nicer, more sincere, and more caring in his approach of ending the relationship. This is the only way he knows how to end a relationship, running away. If you saw patterns of this in other parts of his life that is a red flag. My ex runs away like your ex (but from debt, friends, family, problems, conflict of any kind) because it is easier to detach from you and be mean than connect with you on a real emotional level. If he connects with you emotionally he will feel guilty, and who knows maybe he does feel guilty and doesn't want to face you? Once the honeymoon period of the relationship is over he feels trapped, scared, and insecure, and must find any way out without regard to you or your feelings or consideration of your sacrifices or your hopes for the relationship.
I'm sorry i am rambling but you should know that they are a similar type of guy with some bad relationship and coping patterns that come up and will come up in other parts of their lives if they don't help themselves. Just know that you will learn from this and other people are going through similar struggles and they made it out, and people are going through even worse things like divorce. And yes you will question whether the relationship had any truth and it did, because you put that into it, you had faith in it because he lead you to believe he had the same faith, but it was him who falsified it. You made it real. But if both people aren't putting 100 percent, it isn't right.
i'm glad my understanding of your situation is giving you peace as i am going through almost the exact same thing except i have accrued a lot of financial loss through this and (luckily I did not) almost moved in with him. you are very lucky you got out when you did even though the confusion and his attitude made you feel horrible when he broke it off. it makes me feel good that through my pain i helped someone else understand theirs.
your ex and mine are true commitment phobes and blame all their problems on other people and things, and tend to run away from things like debt or conflict. my ex has many faults that made my head run in circles, he never stands up for himself, but blames his problems on everyone else. he could never be truly honest or say "no" to me and always appeased me. it was maddening. my ex moved two states away to get away from his family, and its their fault he's got problems, its the bank's fault he's in debt, its his roomate's fault that he smokes pot and now he is indebted to me as well. he will never take responsibility until something really terrible upsets the balance of his life.
i am so glad you feel better and just take it day to day and know that you are lucky that you got out quick (although painfully). sadly he will probably just woo someone else and do the same thing (or worse) to them while you are healing and living your life.
i'm so sorry some days are harder than others as you begin to mourn and think about him with other people in the future and how all the things he said to you meant nothing because of the way he acted and broke things off. i know that sometimes i'll think of all the good things and be sad that someone else might get to enjoy that part of him but eventually all the bad habits and dysfunctions come out and they will be hurt too. it's really hard especially since i never throw around the word i love you and he was the first person i actually said it to and meant it. i feel like i gave him a part of myself in that way. the hardest times for me are waking up and going to sleep. sometimes i'll be fine all day, then i will think of one little thing and get really down. i'm trying to keep myself busy but as soon as i'm alone i just think and think and think. if you start to feel worse maybe go to therapy they can help you sort out your thoughts and give you extra support. it is also difficult because a lot of my friends are in relationships or getting married and they don't really understand what i'm going through although they try their best.
i have being doing the same questioning, like what if i wouldn't have said this or this. or what if i wouldn't have become upset this time or this time. but in the end, what's done is done and eventually it might have happened in a different manner or you could've been even more devastated later on, even if you said you "couldn't do it" and he said things would be fine, you tried as hard as you could in the relationship and obviously he didn't. you trusted in it even with doubts in your mind because of your trust in what he said to you. it becomes kind of a game to him, as he becomes emotionally detached and distances himself you begin to cling to him and that makes him feel trapped and he finds any excuse to leave, no matter how mean. although he swept you off your feet, he thrives off of the initial part of the relationship where there is no conflict because you are falling in love, as relationships develop we get to know the person more and essentially see highly dysfunctional behaviors and red flags (that we ignore initially) that are habitual consistencies in their lives that can't be fixed by being in a relationship them.
that is pretty funny his friends did say that. wow. usually they are right, which is the funny part. all i heard from my ex's friends were how he was so good in bed, because he had been with so many girls in 2 years after one serious relationship before me that ended even worse. then he slept with her again while she was married to her husband a year later (giant red flag that i ignored of course). he said he had finally found a girl that was his intellectual equal and who understood him (me) and all the other girls he was just sleeping with in previous years were not and all other women were gross. sorry to go off on a tangent but its frustrating hearing about what friends ex's say about them in retrospect.
yes we must stay in touch it is good to know that someone understands. keep writing and posting your thoughts it will make you feel better and get your mind off it. take care in the meantime
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What you said really makes sense and helped me a lot, thank you.
I'm sorry i am rambling but you should know that they are a similar type of guy with some bad relationship and coping patterns that come up and will come up in other parts of their lives if they don't help themselves. Just know that you will learn from this and other people are going through similar struggles and they made it out, and people are going through even worse things like divorce. And yes you will question whether the relationship had any truth and it did, because you put that into it, you had faith in it because he lead you to believe he had the same faith, but it was him who falsified it. You made it real. But if both people aren't putting 100 percent, it isn't right.
Wow!
Another lesson to take from this:
Hi Sheri,
Thank you for the tip and the book recommendation.
i'm glad my understanding of your situation is giving you peace as i am going through almost the exact same thing except i have accrued a lot of financial loss through this and (luckily I did not) almost moved in with him. you are very lucky you got out when you did even though the confusion and his attitude made you feel horrible when he broke it off. it makes me feel good that through my pain i helped someone else understand theirs.
your ex and mine are true commitment phobes and blame all their problems on other people and things, and tend to run away from things like debt or conflict. my ex has many faults that made my head run in circles, he never stands up for himself, but blames his problems on everyone else. he could never be truly honest or say "no" to me and always appeased me. it was maddening. my ex moved two states away to get away from his family, and its their fault he's got problems, its the bank's fault he's in debt, its his roomate's fault that he smokes pot and now he is indebted to me as well. he will never take responsibility until something really terrible upsets the balance of his life.
i am so glad you feel better and just take it day to day and know that you are lucky that you got out quick (although painfully). sadly he will probably just woo someone else and do the same thing (or worse) to them while you are healing and living your life.
The more I think about this now that I am "away", the more problems I see there were there all along,
i'm so sorry some days are harder than others as you begin to mourn and think about him with other people in the future and how all the things he said to you meant nothing because of the way he acted and broke things off. i know that sometimes i'll think of all the good things and be sad that someone else might get to enjoy that part of him but eventually all the bad habits and dysfunctions come out and they will be hurt too. it's really hard especially since i never throw around the word i love you and he was the first person i actually said it to and meant it. i feel like i gave him a part of myself in that way. the hardest times for me are waking up and going to sleep. sometimes i'll be fine all day, then i will think of one little thing and get really down. i'm trying to keep myself busy but as soon as i'm alone i just think and think and think. if you start to feel worse maybe go to therapy they can help you sort out your thoughts and give you extra support. it is also difficult because a lot of my friends are in relationships or getting married and they don't really understand what i'm going through although they try their best.
i have being doing the same questioning, like what if i wouldn't have said this or this. or what if i wouldn't have become upset this time or this time. but in the end, what's done is done and eventually it might have happened in a different manner or you could've been even more devastated later on, even if you said you "couldn't do it" and he said things would be fine, you tried as hard as you could in the relationship and obviously he didn't. you trusted in it even with doubts in your mind because of your trust in what he said to you. it becomes kind of a game to him, as he becomes emotionally detached and distances himself you begin to cling to him and that makes him feel trapped and he finds any excuse to leave, no matter how mean. although he swept you off your feet, he thrives off of the initial part of the relationship where there is no conflict because you are falling in love, as relationships develop we get to know the person more and essentially see highly dysfunctional behaviors and red flags (that we ignore initially) that are habitual consistencies in their lives that can't be fixed by being in a relationship them.
that is pretty funny his friends did say that. wow. usually they are right, which is the funny part. all i heard from my ex's friends were how he was so good in bed, because he had been with so many girls in 2 years after one serious relationship before me that ended even worse. then he slept with her again while she was married to her husband a year later (giant red flag that i ignored of course). he said he had finally found a girl that was his intellectual equal and who understood him (me) and all the other girls he was just sleeping with in previous years were not and all other women were gross. sorry to go off on a tangent but its frustrating hearing about what friends ex's say about them in retrospect.
yes we must stay in touch it is good to know that someone understands. keep writing and posting your thoughts it will make you feel better and get your mind off it. take care in the meantime
We are really similar in our thoughts and situations.
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