Please help me through this
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| Sat, 08-06-2005 - 3:02pm |
Hello everyone. I'm trying to get over my only boyfriend (I'm 20, so this isn't a child's crush!) we were only going out a couple of months, but he persued me loads to begin with and I wasn't sure, and then I came round and we had the best time (albeit too short), and then he started to go a bit colder on me. The summer holidays for our uni came (we both knew they'd been coming up and were playing it a bit cool) and he was going to work at a summer camp for the summer so we agreed to split up and see what happened next year. I didn't actually want any of this, and stayed quite distant during a lot of the relationship, for reasons I'm not quite sure -- I like him so much. Maybe it's lack of experience and feeling out of my depth.
Anyway, we kept in touch for the 1st couple of weeks of holidays and he mailed me telling me how he missed me and then suddenly went distant, so I emailed telling him how I felt and it turns out he's met someone else and is really keen on her and hopes we can stay friends. so I've said I'd rather not. Now he's deleted me from his contact list. You have no idea how lost I feel and how sick I feel to think of him with someone else, particularly just 2 weeks after he left me and had said he was missing me. There are so many things we've yet to do together, and so many things I want to talk to him about. He had pursued me so long and said the nicest most wonderful things and and now he says I was just a fling. How can I get over him? He is in my thoughts all of the time, and while I know realistically that he will stay with this new girlfriend (they'll have a bond having worked together in a beautiful place all summer), but I still stupidly allow myself to hope, which is torturing me. I'm thinking of writing a letter. Stupid, I know. But I need him so much! Do you think I will ever be in his thoughts again? Please help me get over him/win him back! I need some peace of mind or closure. It's all my fault, I know, but please help! I can't imagine being with anybody else, and the amount I'm thinking about him is worrying!

Nothing you're feeling is stupid or worrying -- it's normal and part of the breaking up process. Believe me, it has nothing to do with your age or experience (I'm in my 30s and going through a similar roller coaster of emotions) it is simply something we go through when the man we care for suddenly decides he cares for someone else.
If you feel like writing a letter, do so. Write one, write ten! Write them, pour your heart into them, read them, revise them and then rip them up. If there's one thing I've learned over the years it's that a man rarely responds well to us pouring out our hearts when he has already made up his mind that he no longer wishes to be in our lives.
Regarding your constant thoughts of him, read the posting on thought-stopping if you haven't already. I can't attest that it works (I've just started to put it into practice today), but it's worth a shot. The only way I've found to get my ex out of my head is to do things that require my complete concentration -- yoga classes and swimming are two physical activities that work for me. I've found that anything not requiring my full attention tends to lose out to thoughts of him. And I'm in month 6 of the initial break-up; week 2 of the post-get-back-together-for-a-month break-up.
One final bit of advice. Don't ignore or squash your emotions. The sadness, desparation, anger, confusion, jealousy, neediness, etc are all ok to feel. Cry, scream, hit a pillow, stomp around, pretend you're having a conversastion with him, do whatever you need to until you are tired of it. And then when the emotions rise up again do the same. Eventually it will either leave your system or the hilarity of your reactions will hit you. At that point you will know that you are ready to accept that it is over and start to move on. That's what they tell me at least. I'm still in the crying/screaming phase.
Best of luck -- keep checking the board for others with similar plights -- may you soon find peace.
I understand what you're saying. I'm dealing with a similar situation right now and I think the best advice I can give you is to not blame yourself. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. This guy sounds like the kind of guy that likes the chase. The best thing you can do is to busy yourself with other things and surround yourself with people who love you and think you're wonderful. I finally got to the point where I forced myself to stop thinking about him - it's still a struggle and he pops in and out and tries to be charming and sweet, and the only reason is because I don't want him. I don't want to play this game with him so I've decided that I'm going to try to move on. It's hard, but believe me that even though I get the joy of my ex wanting to be with me, I know he hasn't changed and that a new heartache with him would be just around the corner.
If he really wants to make a go of it and really wants to be with you, he'll find you and tell you that he's made a huge mistake and can't imagine life without you and,honestly, that the only thing you have to do - decipher when/if that time comes. Other than that, the best thing is to move on. Watch movies, cry alot, sleep alot, busy yourself to keep it out of your mind. Over time, this heartache will fade and you'll start to feel better.
Good luck!