PLEASE help me understand

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
PLEASE help me understand
2
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 5:24pm

My girlfriend broke up with me about three months ago, and we got back together about a week later. Then she broke up with me again and I basically told her I didn't wanna talk to her again or be around her, which is difficult because she's friends with all my friends. Anyways, I was unable to stay away from her and we're hanging out again. She's told me that she thinks about us getting back together. When we hang out with each other it's a lot like when we were together. We make dinner together, go shopping (I Don't buy her anything) etc.; but there's this weird feeling I get when we're around each other. She's been kinda touchy with me; she'll punch me or support herself by leaning on my abs when we're laying on my bed and she's slapped my butt when we've been cooking. When we've been watching TV she's laid her pillow on my chest and then laid next to me with her head on the pillow, which seems kinda like snuggling to me. She slept over one night (just sleeping, not anything else) at my suggestion. She's joked a couple times saying "We're gonna have sex tonight right?" or something similar and although I know they're jokes, they seem like more. Last night when she laid on my chest with her pillow I had my arm by her back and I put my hand lightly on her side and back and then just had it laying parallel to her back, barely touching her back. It seemed like it weirded her out because she moved the pillow back a little later to her side of the bed; she could have been uncomfortable too I guess. When she left she said "I'll call you later, or tomorrow, or I'll see you tomorrow, or I'll call you tomorrow because we can't see each other everyday." I really don’t understand what’s going on. She also says how she's gonna move in with me half joking half serious. We were together for a year so I'd like to think that she cares about me enough not to mess around with me, but who knows.

So I didn’t call her or email her like we usually do for two days. When I got home from work she called and the first thing she said was “ How come you didn’t call me yesterday?” and I said “how come you didn’t call me?”. She said that she didn’t call because she’s always the one that calls (which is usually true). So anyways I didn’t say anything mean to her, but I definitely wasn’t outgoing on the phone. She asked me why I was being mean and I said I wasn’t. At the end of the conversation I was like “Anyways I hafta get going” and she said “whatever” and when I said bye she just hung up the phone. So my question is: Is she just messing with my mind more? Am I way off base with the way she’s been acting? Judging by the replies I got when I posted my first message it seems like I did the right thing, but I felt bad immediately after hanging up the phone and I wanna explain to her why I wasn’t very nice. I wanna say that she’s been acting affectionate to me, which isn’t right considering she doesn’t want to get back together with me, as far as I know. Should I even bother talking to her about it, or is she just trying to manipulate me? Please let me know what you all think. It really helps hearing things from a different perspective. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 11:13am

Okay, after reading the second paragraph, and being a woman, I change my advice from the earlier posting of this topic. I think she is thinking you two are getting back together, that maybe she made a mistake in breaking up with you, so she's using her actions and flirtation to let you know that she wants you back. (cowardly yes, she should just come right out and tell you). You didn't say that when you touched her back that she immediately moved away from you, she "she moved the pillow back a LITTLE LATER to her side of the bed". Now I love snuggling and cuddling as much as the next gal, but when I'm ready to sleep I need to scoot back to my own side and spread out a bit. Also, it DOES get uncomfortable. Inevetably the arm closest to my DH ends up squished and starts to go all tingly because it's falling "asleep". Then, she calls you and is indignant wondering why you never call and are being mean to her. (by "mean" she means not touchy-feely and flirty and sweet-voiced on the phone).

You want advice on what you should do? STOP THE MADNESS!! Talk to the woman. Don't call, do this face to face, somewhere where you won't be interrupted. Tell her that you are completely confussed by what's going on here. Ask her what she wants! Tell her what you want. Open your heart to her and tell her how this is making you feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 1:09pm

Hello Erik!

Hope you are fine.

Few points/explanations/experiences here. Please think if you can relate to them. I am from a totally different society. So everything I write won't definitely make sense to you.

1) Myself and my husband hardly got it right on the phone. He too can't be too expressive on the phone. And if he says 'I have to go' or 'I better get back to work', it kills me. It is because I see myself saying such a thing only when I will 'give up all hope about him'.

2) When I do not understand his behaviour, I talk to him. Judging is so painful. And it might as well be totally wrong. Never know. Ask specific questions. So that you do not get vague answers. So decide what you want to understand. Do you want to know if she is still interested? Or why is she faintly/jokingly suggesting all the time? You will know for yourself is she is serious about you or has some other intentions.

3) In earlier days we used to cut phones. Bang the receivers in anger some times. Then again call up. Then the other one wont talk. Just to realise, we unnecessarily made it all big. One day we both talked over it and decided not to do this. At first it seemed so tough. But now, we can tell each other that I/him need some time. If you can, use letters/mail in delicate situations. The other person can respond when he/she is in her/his senses and is 'ready to talk' about what happened.
For us phone conversations go bad as one feels the intense need to approach but the other is not ready yet.