Please help - need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Please help - need advice
4
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 9:33am
First of all, I would like to thank all of you for your help and support during my most recent breakup. I would never have been able to pull through that one without knowing that all of you were always there for me no matter what was wrong or what time it was. I can not thank you enough!

Now I am in the beginning stages of a new relationship. Even though we live about 3 hours away from each other, we decided to give it a go. Due to the distance we can only see each other on the weekends and we've spent the last three weekends together. I felt that we were going kind of fast but he didn't mind and was ok with the pace so I just keep going on. This past Sunday, we were together in my apartment and he just got up and started getting his stuff together. I asked him where he was going and he said that he wanted to go for a bike ride. I told him that it needed to be quick since I had a family function to attend in a couple of hours. He told me that he was going home for the ride and than quickly packed up and brought his stuff to the car. I waited a few minutes and when he didn't return, I paniced and thought he had left without saying goodbye. When he finally came back into the apartment, he saw that I was upset and apparently that bothered him. I explained how I was feeling and calmed down. I was not crying, just upset. I walked him to his car, we kissed goodbye and called me later that night and everything was fine. I spoke to him several time during yesterday and everything was fine as well. Than he told me last night that it made him feel very bad to see that I was upset with him leaving. That he wants a partnership and that there are some things that is has to do and is set on doing. That he wasn't sure if we wanted the same things - btw, we do. And that he wasn't going to come visit me this weekend - it's my birthday and I am working all day Saturday so I guess it's ok. And he thinks if he stays home this weekend and gets some errands done, he'll feel much better. I asked if he wanted to break up and he said no. I asked if he would like to see other people and he said no. I asked if he wanted to only see each other every other weekend and he said we should play it by ear. This is so very similar to a conversation I had with my ex-bf before we broke up. It's only been three weeks and I believe he has smothered himself and now is running away. I've decided that if he doesnt want to hang out next weekend, I am going to end things. I will not be led one and hurt down the road. If he doesnt want to see me, than there is something else going on more than needing space.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 10:29am
Look....you really need to get some delineating lines.

Infatuation is "your desire for me makes me feel so great about myself and my potential options in life I cannot get enough of your attention."

Infatuation is NOT "I respect and admire you as a person based on your values and character and principles and want to share a life with you because we share interests, goals, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it."

Dating is sharing companionship, conversations, fun, interests, events, sex if mutually agreed to - but it is NOT about a future. Dating is about enjoying this person for who they are - while getting to know them. It's not intertwining emotionally your future with theirs and it is not a "venue by which to get a partner" per se.

A relationship is where you have left the infatuation phase, you've developed the respect and admiration for who this person is - not what they offer to your life or inspire you to feel about yourself......and you've determined through protracted interaction that is NOT designed to impress and please so that you get more "you like me so much, I like me so much more" in your life....that you do share interests, values, priorities, standards, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it.

You're 3 weeks in a long-distance dating liason. Here's a tip.....most women think "moving fast" is "we have sex and a result of me giving up my body I am now emotionally attached to him"....men think "moving too fast" is "she wants me to compromise my personal interests and goals and pursuits and she wants all my time, and is constantly wanting emotionaly reassurance of my commitment to our future"....notice SEX HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!

You two are in the "dating phase" - you don't know one anohter as individuals, you personally know that you have needs/desires/goals/obligations that apparently you can't see your way to embark on or fulfil until you have a "partner by your side".

HE on the other hand has a full life of interests and pursuits and goals and doesn't need "a partner" to fulfill his destiny.

You have no clue if this man can meet your needs, or if he shares your standards, or if you two define a great life in the same way to be achieved in similar methods. Your entire conversations and interactions have been structured around impressing and pleasing this person - to keep desire at peak highs - so that the feelings their desire for you inspires in you are at a high flame.

Back off....there is no 'future" in this yet. The man is saying "I want a partnership in life, let's see if we define that by similar terms, let's see if we pursue that in the same way but I am NOT going to give up MY personal goals and interests and hobbies to spend every waking minute basking int eh glow of your adoration which is there primarily because you think "a future" is now something that is brighter for you becuase of my acceptance and inclusion in your life."

The ONLY type of men taht you'll ever get with this approach of being a doormat, adopting their standards, priorities, interests, and goals is the type of man that honestly believes that HIS interests, needs, goals, standards, and pursuits are ALL that is important in life and if people in his life aren't serving his purposes - he ditches them without a backward blance.

And the ONLY type of future that YOU are ever guaranteed to have...adn the ONLY relationship that YOU are ever assured of - is the one that you define for yourself and provide, and the relationship you create with yourself on a deep and fundamental level so that you have the capacity to have that type of relationship with someone - if someone else comes along that shares YOUR interests, goals, priorities and standards...and isn't someone that you can meld yourself into and become a part of.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 10:44am
Ms. Ophelia...now lets get down to the nitty, gritty. You have been seeing him for 3 weeks which isn’t even a month? I don’t mean to take anything away from how you are feeling right now, but is it even that serious? I definitely understand that you’re past relationship wasn’t that good but are you using your past as an example and a step stool, or are you fearing it and not using it at all. I know once my ex and I broke it off after years it was so hard for me to fill that void. Every man I got involved with I didn’t think cared about me because I compared his actions, to those of my ex. It’s really not about that at all, here goes another saying " Different strokes, different folks!" Not everyone is the same, and not everyone will act the same in the same situations. Now I am assuming your new buddy really does like you, because he does drive 3 hours to come see you on the weekends, right? And trust me there are other females in the city he lives in, some who live right down the street!! But still like I said he comes to see you, which is a good sign. Please don’t get me wrong because I don’t know all the details, but are you letting this move too fast? Too fast for you that is? You said you just went along with his pace, but we as women don’t need to do that, for anyone! We set the pace, they go as fast as we let them, right?? Leave something to the imagination, let him have something on his mind all week, nearly exploding when he thinks of his weekend going down to see you! Absence makes the heart grow founder, as well as what you don’t know and have to imagine. It drives men nuts when they don’t get the whole menu, and they only get to sample little fine dishes when they behave! (: Now I am not trying to be rude, or in any means put men down, because without them we couldn’t bare children (: but lets be real, we females are in charge and lets not ever forget our role. Be strong Miss Ophelia, and give it time, he'll come around if he’s worth begin around right?? It’s about you!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 3:12pm
If he works full-time during the week, when is he supposed to have time for himself???? I think you're being unrealistic and unreasonable to expect him to spend every single entire weekend with you, especially this early in the r'ship.

Sheri

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 3:34pm
It's hard to know what's going on with this guy without really knowing you or him, how you met, how old you are, etc. The one thing that pops out at me is that he's not going to be with you on your birthday. That seems kind of hurtful. I mean of all the weeks to choose not to see you! It seems to me that if he's really into you that he'd want to be with you on your birthday.

Men don't like it when women get upset, particularly early on in a relationship. They like to know they can make you happy, most of the time. They tend to be a bit delicate in that way I think. (But I suppose we like knowing we can make them happy to.) This theme of woman unhappy early on in the relationship and man backing away isn't unfamiliar to me ...

I'm not sure that ending the relationship is the best thing to do at this point. You might be better off having a discussion with him next time you see him and telling him what you need from him. He will either be willing to accommodate you or he won't. Then you can make your decision based on that.

Erin made some very good points I think. Read her post again if you can. I'm going to.

Finally, you do seem a bit on the anxious side. Being afraid that he was going to leave without saying good bye indicates perhaps a bit of separation anxiety. Have you considered seeing a therapist? It might help you to discuss some of these issues ...