Please help..hurt and rejected

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Please help..hurt and rejected
4
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 3:50pm

I hope someone can give me some advice. I was dumped by my boyfriend on Christmas eve. Here`s my story.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We had plans to spend Christmas eve at my house. Well, I talked to him the night before to find out if he was coming over that night or Christmas eve. He has 3 kids that live with him and I have 2. He said he would call me later and let me know. He didn`t call that night, so Christmas eve morn. I started calling him around 10:00. No response. I had no idea what was going on, so I just kept calling and calling all day and leaving him messages. On one message I told him I would bring the gifts to his house..hoping for a response. I finally decided to just take the gifts over. No one was home and the house was locked up tight. He lives in the country and never locks his house. I left the gifts on the front porch, and kept calling. I even started to call his mom to see if she knew what was up. She said last she heard they were coming to my house. He finally answered his cell that evening and said he would talk to me next week, when the kids went to visit their mom.

Christmas came and I sent him a text telling him I loved him and the kids. I also called several times and left messages. Nothing.

The next day (Sunday), I again foolishly started to call him. He still ignored me. I drove up to his house and left a letter on his door since I knew he would be gone taking the kids to their moms. I kept calling and leaving messages, I asked him to meet me somewhere to talk. He finally sent me a text saying "moving on with new plans". I begged him to please call me and tell me why he did this. I felt like a fool calling so much, but couldn`t help it. I was sure he would talk eventually.

Then I thought he would call the next day. I had given him and his kids Christmas gifts and though he would feel bad for not even telling me thank you. I spent a lot, I felt like they were part of my family. I tried not to, but I started to call again. I was sure he would talk sooner or later. I kept calling his mom too.

The next day came and I was getting angry. I called and said he should return the gift I bought for him, since they were given with the idea we`d be together. He left me a text saying" you are kidding, right"? How could he be so cold and heartless. He gave us nothing. He had bought me a nice purse, and was going to wrap it up and give it to me Christmas eve, but of course he didn`t give it to me.

He had told me he loved me a week before..everything was fine. We had even shopped for wedding rings within the last month. His kids are crazy about me, and I treat them like my own.

I feel so hurt and rejected. One good thing is I haven`t called today. He must feel like he is so cool, that he could make me hurt so much and go so crazy. How do I get threw this when there was no closure. I begged him to just call and tell me get lost (not in those words), or that he hated me, or that he found someone else. He won`t talk to me. I even drove to his house last night after work, but he had the house locked and wouldn`t answer the door.

I have 2 kids that need their mom back. We went to lunch today, but that was about all I could handle. It`s hard knowing that I gave him so much power, and he is going about his life with no problems. I still keep hoping he will call. My friends say when I stop calling and chasing him, it will show him that I have moved on. They think he will eventually call because I quit. I won`t get back together with him ever..I just want to know he cares. For some strange reason it would help me move on.

Please help me stop this obsessive behavior. How do I move on? How could someone be so heartless?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 2:13am

First off, sorry for the pain you're going through. Broke up with my own live-in boyfriend of 2 1/2 years in August. Doing better, but still agonize on occasion. Don't think I'm taking your situation or feelings lightly. It was only a few months ago I was vomiting daily from crying so hard and contemplating the best way to kill myself...Hey! But only a few months later I'm back on track with my classes and even playing a trumpet I haven't played in 20 years and loving it!

Now, for the bad news: "Moving on with new plans" I'd bet enormous sums of money he's met someone else and has been cheating on you for months before finally leaving you. Do some homework...phone bills, computer history, friends, family, credit card bills...anything you can get your hands on...he's been lying to you for a long time. Get some anger going in your system...it helps the healing process to realize the truth behind the actions.

The guy is an ENORMOUS COWARD!! Do you really want to pursue a man with such a small set of ----- that he can't even look you in the eye and say, "Sorry, it was nice, but this just isn't going to work out." Wow...what an incredible wimp/girly-boy! I'd bet dimes to dollars he split so he could wear dresses in a sleezy cabaret show...

Quit the crawling. We've all done it, but there's a time to stop. This is it...Get up, dust yourself off. Prepare for weeks of intense crying and agonizing in various forms. For months you'll probably cry on occasion. Pamper yourself as best you can...lots of movies, ice cream, the gym or all of the above...whatever it takes to get you through. But then...light...realization...peace....new beginnings...the sweet knowledge that you're FREE to do whatever the heck you please again!!

The guy is an unbelievable creep doing this to you, especially during a time when everyone is giving gifts and showing in various ways the love they have for one another.
First off, take back any gifts you bought for him and use the money to buy "He's Just Not That Into You," "He's Scared, She's Scared," and "Why Men Love Bitches" or get them at the library for free. NO CONTACT...although in your case, with an especially creepy girly-boy involved, you may spit in his direction if you come upon him accidently.

In one of the books above, they gave the analogy that grieving the death of a relationship is WORSE than a real death. At least with real deaths, you don't have the corpse still wandering around, possibly still being able to contact you or you contacting "it". It is helpful though, to look at it as though you've just had a loved one die (the relationship). You need to go through the various stages of grieving and you will eventually move on again though it doesn't seem like it now. Please! Leave this particular creepy dude in the grave...don't attempt to resurrect his corpse unless you enjoy associating with the living dead and the stench they give off...

Can't tell you enough how sorry I am...when I walked in on my "amazing, loving, boyfriend" to find another woman lying on top of him, the sensation was something like a cinderblock hitting me in the face at the same time a garden rake was hitting me in the chest and scraping downwards, taking my heart and all my internal organs down to the floor. It's a moment frozen in time unfortunately, surreal...A KODAK moment...ha ha! As bad as it was though, it IS getting better day by day. It will for you too, believe me and everyone else on this board who has suffered through the same.

Huge hug...life will go on and the pain you are suffering from now will help yourself and others in the future...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 8:04am

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I know I`m not the only one going through this, it just feels like it.

I went the whole day yesterday without trying to contact him. It made me feel a little stronger. At least he will see that I am moving on too, not that he cares, and not that I have. He will not look at his phone and see that pathetic me has called again. I`m not giving him that pleasure. It will be my biggest challege through the day.

I wish I did have the Christmas gifts I bought him to return, but stupid me left them at his house Christmas eve. Not even a thank you. Is that scum or what. That I could spend my precious time shopping for him, wrapping, and putting notes that said I Love you all over the packages, and he says nothing. Don`t you think a person with some heart would find a way to say thank you, or better yet return them to me. He knows I don`t have a lot of money. It just blows me away when I think about it.

Well, I`m going to try to face this day and NOT try to contact him.

Thanks again!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 1:46pm
You're off to a good start with the No Contact, it will be like a roller-coaster ride for awhile so stay in contact with us here. I can't believe what a callous jerk he is...you're not "pathetic" for having reacted the way you have so far. Human beings act irrationally in irrational situations...that's NORMAL. Read the books I've mentioned and do try to find other positive experiences and people to fill up your time. It feels unnatural at first, but gradually you find new routines and you will move on a stronger and often happier person. Huge hug...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 3:41pm

Well, I`ve made it almost 3 days without trying to contact my ex. It`s really hard to not pick up that phone and try to get answers out of him. Today is difficult because it`s New Years eve, and I know he will be out celebrating, probably with someone else. I hate tinking of him with a new woman, how easily I could be replaced. How come I wasn`t good enough??

I`m going out tonight with a male friend..he`s totally just a friend. He`s been really supportive through this, just about the only one I have. I was going to sit home and feel sorry for myself, but getting out seems like a better idea. I know I will see couples, and it will make me sad, but I`m going to try to have a little fun.

You were so right about this feeling like a roller coaster, you start to feel a tiny bit better, and then crash again. I can`t wait for that day to come when it really doesn`t matter anymore. What a great feeling that will be. It will come, right??

Thanks for your continued support...