PLEASE PLEASE EXPLAIN his actions

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
PLEASE PLEASE EXPLAIN his actions
1
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 10:23am
BACKGROUND: Okay I posted my relationship problem on here a few weeks ago... Dec. 10 (Explain his behavior after we broke up)... basically saying that I had been in a 3 month relationship with a controlling man. He constantly was putting me down to try & get his way. Cussing me out, not letting me hang out with my friends, making ultimatums & threats (ie. I'll leave you if you do such & such, etc.), and making stipulations & rules as to us dating. He wanted a girl he could obviously control, & I am too strong to be controlled.Well it has been almost 2 weeks since I last talked to him/ we broke up. & I have been devastated ever since... because I did love this man, it felt so right when we were together... yet we both had behavioural problems we needed to work on... we both were heavy drinkers when we met- Plus he had a gambling problem... so we were growing together yet we did sometimes have our setbacks..... So not everything was rainbows & butterflies all the time.... but when times were good they were great & when times were bad they were sometimes horrible... & for the most part we were happy.....and I do believe he is the one for me... we share similar outlooks, goals, morals, & values, & want the same from life, etc. Now my QUESTION....... after 2 weeks of no contact (on his part... I have often called & emailed with no response from him EVER) , yesterday I wrote him an email asking how he wanted to receive my Xmas presents to him... via fed ex, in person, at his work??? Well he responded to me for the first time in 2 weeks. He said he wanted nothing from me but he would leave my presents on my doorstep... Well last night at around 11 PM he called & told me my presents were on my doorstep... So I get them & this man spend an elaborate amount of money on me... We only dated for 3 months & he got me a diamond bracelet, a very nice watch, & top of the line radar detector... & This very much shocked me because I am very unmaterialistic... & after dating someone only 3 months & especially after breaking up I expected NOTHING. SO I called him thanked him & told him I could not keep these gifts. But he is abdament about me keeping these presents... yet he said he will refuse to accept ANYTHING from me... Well today I ask him why he bought me such nice things & he said he buys all his friends nice things.... so I told him that he must accept some gifts from me in return & he keeps refusing.... QUESTION:::: What is the motive behind his presents... are they a consilation prize because we are over... is it an "i'm very sorry for the way I treated you" apology gifts.... what do you think is his ulterior motives for these gifts???? Because after 2 weeks we are finally talking & he is saying he would like to be my friend BUT ONLY FRIENDS.... SHould I not be reading into this so much... or do you think these are the first steps for us getting back together??? Because I know the love is still there between us... I haven't found anybody else & neither has he... please any opinions on this matter are much appreciated!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 1:19pm
scdzkt - Hi, and I'm sorry for your pain. Please understand that what I am about to say is a completely objective and outsider's point of view as I really don't know all the details of your relationship. If you feel strongly about giving him the gifts, and they are already bought, then by all means give them to him. I don't think, however, that 3 months is long enough to have known for sure that this was real and lasting love. I firmly believe, as I have heard on these boards repeatedly, that the first 3-9 months of any relationship is the "honeymoon phase", and apparently, he wasn't in it for the long haul. From what you said about his treatment of you, that's better for you anyways. I am learning from my own breakup (the hardest and most painful ever) that the reason I am having such a horrible time getting over things is that he emotionally and verbally abused me, and for four years, I let him convince me that this is what I have deserved. I am not about to suppose that is your case, but maybe just something to think about. Again, anything done from your heart can not be a bad gesture, just be sure of your motives and also how you will feel when you don't get the response you are probably looking for! Good Luck and have a Happy Holidays in spite of him! Take care.