Please, Please, Please Help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Please, Please, Please Help!!
5
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 7:43pm

Okay, I will try to be brief in summarizing my situation.

I am a 29-year-old female and my (ex) boyfriend is 30 years old. We have been good friends since we were in high school. He has never had a serious adult relationship because all of the girls he would date he would lose interest in or find fault with after a month or two and he would break it off. He (Tom) had always kind of had feelings for me/been attracted to me, but we'd never really done anything about it because we didn't want to risk ruining our friendship. But last August we decided to give it a try. Because of our history together, things got really serious really fast (e.g., talking about marriage and babies after 2 months of dating). I started spending more and more time at his place, and things got kind of routine. During the first few months we had pretty typical arguments about adjusting to the relationship. I have had several serious, long-term relationships in the past, but this was his first. He told me that he had fallen in love with me, that he never felt this way about anyone else, etc., etc.

We would get in little tiffs and he would tell me about his fears of losing his independence and getting into "everyday normal routine." He was used to being very independent and not having to consider anyone else. So he would say he would get confused -- but NOT about how he felt about me (he loved me) but about what he wants (if he wants to be in a relationship).

So at the end of February I found out that I would have to move out of state for a year for school (I will leave in August). I don't know if that was the cause, but about this time is when we starting arguing more and more --about stupid little stuff. He became more and more moody and sarcastic and annoyed with me. I am quite emotional and I do like a lot of attention, and I knew that sometimes got to him but all of a sudden it seemed to drive him nuts.

Anyway, after the arguing increased in March and April, I would want to talk, talk, talk about things and let him know how I felt and I would try to figure out why he was being so moody. He didn't even recognize that he was being moody and jerky! So we'd talk and say we would both try harder (we were both getting annoyed with each other about trivial things) ... but then things would be better for a day or two, and then the arguing would start again. So I was so frustrated that a month ago (over the phone) I told Tom we should stop dating. He was quick to agree, and we hung up. Well of course I was upset because that's not really what I wanted so 2 days later I called him telling him I didn't want us to be over and I was still willing to try and work out our issues. But he was hurt by the things I said during the breakup conversation, and he said he needed time and space to figure out what he really wanted.

And for the past month we've been in this weird fuzzy gray area of "not together" but not "completely broken up." He wanted a "break," but I couldn't deal with that. I went to his place to get my things, and he asked me to stay and talk. He said he did love me and care about me and miss me, but he needs time and space to figure out what he wants. And so we decided to see each other once a week during this time...but that didn't work because I wanted answers and I would pressure him and he would get frustrated and we would end up yelling (and me crying). Still, today he maintains that he is confused. That he doesn't know what he wants. He has admitted that he does NOT want to be in a relationship right now, he likes being single right now because he is "back in control" of his life and his time. But he insists he still loves me...he just doesn't want to be in a relationship. So today we decided that we are completely broken up and will keep in touch via email only -- to give him his space and time. He's said he thinks my year away on my own will be a great experience for me ... and my friends think he is thinking that after I come back, I will be more independent and less needy from being "on my own" for a year...and he's waiting for that.

I just don't know what to do. My heart is completely breaking because I do love him very much and I so badly want to try to make things work. I'm not 100% sure that things can work, but I'm not ready to give up this soon. I do believe him when he says that he does love me and cares about me and misses me. I know that our relationship was the most serious he's ever had and that he's never had such strong feelings for anyone else before. But he also says he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. And I guess that's the thing I can't understand. If he truly LOVES me, how can he not know if he wants to be in a relationship with me? Is that really possible? I've asked him if he's just afraid to tell me that he doesn't love me or doesn't want to be in a relationship with me ever again...and he maintains that is NOT the case. He just keeps saying how confused he is...and I just don't understand how he can be so confused....????

Also, he was talking about me moving in with him (in June and July) and about marriage and everything...and now he seems so freaked out about relationships. I know he's also affected by other people - getting divorced, not being happy...and I know it's scary, but again...if he truly loves me, would he be willing to let me go?

I don't know what to do. I am dying inside...I feel absolutely horrible about how we've ended up.

I knew this would be long...but I guess my main question is: Is it possible for him to truly love me but not want to be in a relationship with me (right now, anyway). And where does that leave me? What do I do?

Please help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 8:30pm

I'm sorry your going through this, and I know it's very painful. We have all been there. Unfortanately, there is nothing you can do. You can't or should you, force him to be with you. He says he still loves you, but he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right now, and you have to accept that. Once you do, then the pain should be a little less. But, you have to listen to what he told you, and try to let it sink it. I know it's so hard to do that, but you have too right now. He has made up his mind, and you got to find a way to deal with it. It will be painful, and you will grow and learn from this. I promise you. You just don't see it now, because of the pain in your heart. You know, if you give him his space and not force, or push him to change his mind, he will respect you, and may change his mind. But he has to want that, not just you!!! It has to be a two way street. Do you want him to be with you,because you forced him? I know everyone in there right mind, don't want someone who really doesn't want to be with them. You know I'm right, in that aspect. Give him his space, and see what happens. He says he wants to be friends and keep in contact with email, I'm not sure that is a good idea. But do what's best or you. But everyone who post on these boards, will tell you, keeping in contact with someone you still love and want, is not a good idea, because it just leaves the person with false hope and dreams, that maybe....Do what you feel, but if he wants you to respect his decision, then he should respect yours, and tell him you don't want to communicate with him, until you heal, or he makes a decision to be with you. He has to respect your wishes as well.

This will be a life altering event, but, look at it, that when it's all over, I promise you will be so different, and you will be like me, helping those who are going thru painful break-ups. You will be a lot stronger, and you will love again, like you love him now....I promise!!! Take care of yourself,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:07pm

It's definitely possible to still love somebody but not want to be in a relationship with them anymore. It's not as simple as everybody who loves each other wants to be together, and everybody who wants to break up doesn't love each other. Every day tons of people break-up with somebody they still love for a whole variety of different reasons.

Does the fact that he might still love you mean that you should wait for him to come back? I don't think so. He may love you very much but know that being in a romantic relationship would leave him unsatisfied. If that's how he feels, then you need to respect that. You shouldn't put your life on hold waiting for him. If being in a relationship with you isn't what he needs in his life right now, then chances are it will never be.

I know right now he's the only guy you really want, but there are lots of great guys out there who would love to be with you. Give yourself some time to grieve over the end of this relationship, but then move forward with your life. You will have more opportunities to love somebody this deeply and to make things work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 7:01pm

Thank you for your responses.

It is the most difficult break-up I have ever gone through because we have been in each other's lives (as close friends) for 15 years. It is also extremely difficult because he is so confused.

I trust him 100% and I do believe that he has been completely honest with me. The only problem is, the only consistent feeling he has had is that he "does really love me" and is "so confused." He goes back and forth on everything else. Literally, one day he will say he wants to get married and have children, and the next day he will say he can't picture himself being married and having children (and I know others' bad relationships impact him there). One day he'll say he wants to be in a relationship with me, then the next day he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. One day he agrees to go talk to someone (therapist) because he is SO confused and doesn't know what to do, and then the next day (after talking to family/friends) he says that they all tell him 'there's nothing wrong with you - you don't need to talk to a therapist' -- and so he changes his mind.

I guess the bottomline is this:

I do truly believe that he loves me and cares about me a lot
I do truly believe that he is very, very confused.
I do truly believe that he is scared of committment (in his words: 'losing his independence' and life becoming 'everyday routine').

But also:

I do believe that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone right now.

He wants this "space and time" to clear his head and figure out what he truly wants out of life -- whether he does want a family...or if he wants to stay single.

I know that he *wants* to discover that he wants a wife and children, but he's afraid he may not really want that...
I know this because I've asked him - if he looked into a crystal ball 5 years into the future and saw himself married with children ... or happily being a bachlor, which would he prefer...and he honestly said 'definitely with the family.'

SO... this is why I don't know what to do. In a way, he is asking me to wait for him (even though he says he's not because he knows that's unfair to me). But he tells me that he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone else and that I am the most caring person...etc., and he says that he does *want* to want a family with me...but he's not sure that's what he wants because (1) losing his independence and (2) all the divorces & unhappy marriages he sees.

So I am so tempted to give him this time to figure out what he wants...and wait for him to come back to me because from how he talks...it sounds like that's a definite possiblity. Doesn't it?

Also...about the therapy, what do you guys think about me talking to a therapist and asking if he/she would be willing to meet with me and Tom together, and then I could ask Tom... because he's said he would do therapy (although he goes back and forth about it)...or would that freak him out...???

I don't know what to do but doing nothing about our situation is making me absolutely miserable. I feel like so many things are unresolved and if he could just get "unconfused" we would know what we need to do!!!! And then I could make a decision. How am I supposed to make a decision with so many unanswered questions and unknowns???

I will really, really, really appreciate anyone's help/advice/suggestions!!
THANKS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Fri, 06-15-2007 - 1:14pm

one thing I believe: people are rarely confused...they are only too weak to do what they know they need to do.

Sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 10:58am

If he is really still going back and forth about what he wants that just means he needs more time to figure it out. He will eventually reach a point where he wants to make one choice and stick to it. It sounds like he does really love you and feel close to you, but that he is also aware that there have been some real problems in your relationship that he has been unable to solve. I think whenever somebody is in your situation, the tendency is to want to see things in the best possible way. You want to blame the other relationships around him, and that may have something to do with it, but I doubt it would make him feel so uncertain if your relationship hadn't had it's own problems.

If you want to see a therapist with him, then you can tell him you'd like to give therapy a try and see what he says. I would do this before speaking to the therapist. Be prepared for the possibility that it may be too late at this point. If he says he's no longer interested, you shouldn't push him to go.