PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, I NEED ADVICE!
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| Tue, 01-09-2007 - 11:33pm |
okay so ugh, my boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me about a month and a half ago. We were so perfect for 7 months, and he then deicdes hes not happy with his "friend situation". He did not have MANY guy friends to hang out with, so he deicded to become more social around school whereas before i sort of had him all to myself. I understood his need for friends but at the same time as soon as he told me he needed to change his social situation i felt liek i was losing him. I spent two months watching him change the way he acted towards me completly (his new friends were having a very obvious and negative effect on him). He was all over other girls all the time (moreso than he was all over me). He became more interested in partying then seeing me, and he never had anything really to say to me. On the other hand, occastionally i would see the "old him" in him, which is why i was so desperate to cling to the relationship. i knew he hadnt changed compltetly, and i was willing to deal with this new side of him if i could still have the old side of him too. I tried SO hard ot make us work (when the first 6 months worked almost flawlessly without effot...and they seemed perfect). I constantly wanted to see him. I was ALWAYS ALWAYS there for him when he felt like he had no one. I was whatever he wanted me to be, whenever he wanted it. He said i was his best friend. But i could see him caring less and less about how i was feeling...After us fighting for awhile he said he just "didn't have THOSE feelings anymore". He completely broke my heart. We go to school together so i have to see him EVERY day. Its not liek we talk or anything, but still...it makes forgetting about him SO hard. How do i deal with seeing him everyday with his NEW group of friends? he is SO completely happy without me, and i just wonder what i did to make him so miserable that he is doing so well without me. how is it so easy for him to forget about everything we had for ten months, when i still think about it every day?
Also...recently on new years i shared a new years kiss with one of his friends. Prior to this my ex wasnt mean to me...he was just indifferent. If we ever talked it was alwats short conversations, and he never had much to say. He didnt even say happy birthday on my birthday. But after i hooked up with someoene he's friends with...he started being mean to me if i ever say anything to him. He tells epeople he just "doesnt want to be around me". I don't get it. Its not like he cares that im trying to move on...he's hooked up with three peoeple since we ended. HE BROKE UP WITH ME. HOW DOES HE HAVE ANY RIGHT AT ALL TO BE MAD AT ME? and now if i ever say anything to him he answers with a short, mean, rude comment. so i have stopped trying to talk to him and he has clearly no desire at all to speak to me. its all so hurtful...
p.s this morning my cousin told me that my ex IMed her just to say "hi" and in the conversation mentioned that me and him were "cute". WHY IS HE TALKING TO MY COUSIN HE'S MET ONCE, AND FURTHER MORE IF HE HATES ME SO MUCH WHY WOULD HE SAY ME AND HIM WERE CUTE?
WHAT DO I DO? I CLEARLY STILL LIKE SOMEONE WHO REPLACED ME WITH HIS FRIENDS, FLIRTED WITH GIRLS IN FRONT OF ME, THREW ME AWAY, AND HATES ME NOW! I LIKE HIM BECASUE OF WHAT WE HAD ONCE! HOW DO I WRAP MY MIND AROUND THE FACT THAT HE ISNT THE PERSON HE USED TO BE, AND EVEN IF HE WAS HE HATES ME NOW!?
its been a month and a half and i could talk for days about how i feel about all this...i guess i'm just confused and i dread walking into school everyday and seeing him with his boys and all the girls he flirts with. i aviod places i know he'll be. i constantly think about him. you'd think when someone tells you they dont have feelings for you and that everything is good in thier life except your relationship...you'd be able to let go of him. BUT ITS BEEN ALMOST 2 MONTHS! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry this is so long...i clearly have a lot of pent up confusion....

It doesnt matter how long it is. Let me just start by saying, you have a right to feel the way you are. The way he is acting is totally confusing. Many guys seem to do the "rebound" thing first, and then greive or get over a break up. While girls tend to deal with it right away. It could of been that once you were ready to move on, he was just starting to, and maybe seeing you kiss his friend or whatever made hum jealous. Werent you jealous of the other girls? He could just be confused. Trying to remember what you had by calling you guys cute, and then having hurt feelings towards you for kissing his friend...
But all guys are different, maybe he just changed and you couldnt fit in the new image of him, which is totally immature. And it ALWAYS hurts when you still really like someone and they tell you they dont feel the same anymore. You are probably wondering what you did to make him lose those feelings. The only way to really know, is to ask him. No matter how hard a task that may be. But once you do know, you`ll be able to learn from it, grow from it. But so many people here are for the no contact rule. You should just push him aside for now, move on, dont think about him. Try and see through him. And maybe when the time is right, you`ll be able to ask him. Maybe then you will both have calmed down, you with you confusion and him with his rude comments.
Anyways, dont be afraid to post here as often as you need to, although my help may not of been the best, others might be. Just be strong, it is hard seeing them everyday, knowing that who they are now is not who they were before. But only you know that, only you know the real him. Hes probably forgotten it all himself, so you should just move on. And if he doesnt like it, or who ur moving on with, thats his problem. It has nothing to do with you. Know that.
::and i just wonder what i did to make him so miserable that he is doing so well without me. how is it so easy for him to forget about everything we had for ten months, when i still think about it every day?
First, YOU DID NOTHING to MAKE him miserable. That would imply you had some type of control over him. You don't. Only he can make himself happy. My guess is that as he became social, it opened new doors that he wanted to explore, without you and his focus changed. Now he's into the social group, girls flirting with him, being popular if you will, which strokes his ego and makes him feel good about himself. BUT it has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do.
It's normal for you to think about it because you really want to answer the question 'Why?' - not that there is an answer, but your mind wants one, well your ego wants one.
::But after i hooked up with someoene he's friends with...he started being mean to me if i ever say anything to him.
Maybe he thought you'd be sitting still waiting for him to come back. When you kissed someone else, he got a rude awakening and he's mad more at himself is my guess.
HOW DOES HE HAVE ANY RIGHT AT ALL TO BE MAD AT ME?
He feels what he feels, just like you do. While he may not be good at talking back to those feelings, because really, it's not realistic to think that you would be waiting for him.
::and now if i ever say anything to him he answers with a short, mean, rude comment. so i have stopped trying to talk to him and he has clearly no desire at all to speak to me. its all so hurtful...
His behavior is reminding you that he's not the same person. Every time you 'hope' things were different, wish he was the way he used to be, his mean, rude comments are to jar you back to reality. So you can stop being in denial and really move forward.
::I LIKE HIM BECASUE OF WHAT WE HAD ONCE!
Since you broke up, all deals are off, he has changed. It is a fact. If you keep 'dreaming' about the past, you will stay in the past and continue to make yourself miserable. Grief is a powerful thing. You have to take time to heal - grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been, all the while staying focused on 'what is' in the now, right now. Because the truth is in front of you.
::HOW DO I WRAP MY MIND AROUND THE FACT THAT HE ISNT THE PERSON HE USED TO BE, AND EVEN IF HE WAS HE HATES ME NOW!?
Acceptance is key. Accepting the situation as it is. Accepting that you may never have the answer you need. Accepting that he isn't the person he used to be. My guess is that he really doesn't hate you, but when he's uncomfortable with his own feelings, he takes it out on you. You can take yourself out of the loop by doing what you have been doing, avoiding him, not talking to him, etc.
As for your cousin, personally, I would ask your cousin to not speak to him. My guess he checked in with your cousin to gauge how you are feeling - which is no longer any of his business.
My best to you on your healing path.
Carrie
thank you both for the advice! it really helped to read your responses to my situation because an outsiders point of view always helps to put things in perspective.
it's funny...he broke up with me on thanksgiving, so it was a relativley long time ago. but everyday when i wake up in the morning i remember the whole situation and have to go through it in my head...all the perfect nights when we went to the beach...the day i felt a change in him...how irrationally i reacted to him changing...how many things i wish i could go back and change...how we just do not speak after being so close for almost 11 months. every DAY i have to replay all of this in my head. i wonder why i do that? i can't help it. and when my mind FINALLY wanders to a differnt topic, it quickly jumps back.
he ended things with me almost two months ago. he's hooked up with other people and i have hooked up with other people. however, i have gone on one "real" date since the split (thinking that it would help) but it made things SO much worse. I constantly was compairing him to my ex, and he failed to even measure up (how could he ever? i know it wasnt fair of me...but i couldnt help it). even when me and my date kissed...it just made me miserable. it just made me miss my ex. WHY IS THAT? i'm sure when my ex "hooked up" with all these girls after he ended...he wasnt thinking of me the whole time. he is happy being alone and he told a friend of mine that he was done with "that girlfriend stuff for awhile". is that really what i was to him? girlfriend STUFF? and even after all the mean things he's done, and how he COMPLETELY threw me away, the thing i want above all is for him to walk through my front door right now and come and talk to me the way he used to...why IS that? after everything...even if we got back together (which is clearly something he doesn't want)it wouldnt be the same as it was wehn we were so happy. he just DOESNT FEEL THAT WAY ANYMORE :(
i feel so pitiful sitting around thinking about a person who doesnt care anything aobut me anymore. it seems like he is SO SO SO happy without me, and seeing him everyday is complete torture (its a constant reminder of what i lost and how little i mean to him now). i feel like i'll always remember everything he's already forgotten, and it's a horrible empty feeling.
I guess what i'm most scared of is that...when we were going out i kept thinking to myself that you only meet people like him once in a lifetime. he was so funny and so sweet sometimes and we just meshed together perfectly. he understood me, and knew exactly what to say to me when i needed comforting. he made me feel so safe...he was my first REAL relationship in which i actually could say "i love you" and feel like i meant it. it just seems so hopeless that i'll find someone like him again. its like...he meant so SO much to me, and even when he was treating me badly i couldnt get myself to end it. i tried, but it never worked. and then he just decides to end it. and a week later he seemed compltetly moved on. i dunno. WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE :(
I GUESS I JUST NEEDED TO VENT, AND THIS PLACE SEEMS VERY GOOD FOR THAT!
if ANYBODY has anymore advice, or even just a comment, or SOMETHING it's so helpful to hear other people opinions.
so much thanks to the people who responded!