Please, please read and help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Please, please read and help!
12
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 10:07pm

Hi, everyone.

This is the story (please bear with me, cause it's a bit long):
I had been dating someone for about 15 months. Things were going well, seemingly. We rarely fought, we were totally comfortable with each other, and I loved him with all my heart--I was happy. Our families even had Thanksgiving, together. I didn't have much doubt that before it was all said and done, this man would be my husband. Well, then this happened. He is originally from West Virginia, and he went home over Christmas to be with some of his family. There was nothing weird about this. I had been home with him and met all of his extended family up there. When he returned a couple of days after Christmas, there was something different about him. I couldn't pinpoint what it was, but I just thought that it would blow over. After over a week of this weird behavior, I started pressing him to tell me what was wrong. He told me that he was "depressed" and couldn't figure out why. He told me that he was unhappy, so he needed to have some space. I was upset, but because I love him, I totally obliged. But then my brain started to suspect that perhaps there was more to the situation than just what he was telling me. To make a long story short, I figured out that he had met someone when he was in West Virginia--a girl that is very close friends with his younger brother. This girl took an immediate liking to my boyfriend. I guess he liked her, as well, because even though he says nothing happened (and I do believe that), he continued to talk to her once he got back here, to Georgia. When I called him on this, he just kept saying that he was confused, that he wasn't sure, that he didn't know what he wanted. Well, in my brain, I concluded that I deserved to be the only person that someone wanted, as he was (and still is) the only person that I want to be with. I would have dedicated my life to him in a second if he had asked me. So, I told him that I wanted to end it. It was absolutely THE hardest thing that I have ever had to do, as I really, really love this man. I don't know what to do. I feel like he is a horribly confused, immature person. I feel like maybe I didn't know this person as well as I thought I did. The hardest thing is that in breaking it off with him, I may have just thrown him straight into this other girl's arms, despite her being hundreds of miles away. I don't know what to think. I know that I ended things, but I just wish so badly that he would wake up and realize the repercussions of his actions--he lied to me by not telling me about this girl, he lied to this girl by not telling her about me (one of his family members ended up telling her about me). He told her that he broken up with me when he was still telling me that he was "confused" and "didn't know." I'm the one who's confused. I don't know if I can let all of this go. Should I close all doors to him? I need advice, words of wisdom...anything. Please, please help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 10:45pm
You did the right thing!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 11:02pm
Thank you for your reply. Every reply will help me. The pain comes and goes. Right now, I feel the worst I've felt, almost. I can't stop crying. I keep thinking of him and what he might be saying to this other girl. I feel so inadequate, even though I know deep down, I'm not. I just can't deal with this change. I thought things were going to turn out one way, and now I found out that they just might not. I'm so sad, and I feel so lonely.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 12:53am

I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing right now...

Believe me, I (and pretty much everyone else on this discussion board) can relate to the way you're feeling. Breakups are horrible, there's no doubt about that. Nobody will deny the fact that you're going to feel pretty awful/lonely/rejected/jealous, etc. You will question why it happened; you will wonder if there's something more you should have done to make things work. You will probably blame yourself and constantly want to call/text/IM your ex. You might even try to convince yourself that you can be his "friend," even though deep down you realize that it would hurt too much.

But guess what? It DOES get better. All it takes is *time*--along with patience and respect/love for yourself. Oh yeah, and having no-contact definitely helps too :) My ex and I broke up last May (wow, that's so long ago!)...we had been fighting and he also met someone else. Like your ex, he didn't bother to tell me about it until I found out on my own and said something. We were technically broken up, but he was still telling me that he loved/cared about me and wanted us to work out. He didn't tell the new girl about me either (in fact, I doubt she ever found out since we were long-distance).

When I found out about this new girl, I completely flipped out. I hate to admit it, but I basically begged him to come back and even told him I was willing to let him date her for awhile and choose between us eventually. I told him I wanted to remain friends in the meantime...so that worked for about a month. He spent time with her (they go to the same college, but she had an internship in another city and would only be there on the weekends)...but as soon as she would leave, he would get ahold of me and act like everything was normal between us. He would tell me that he still loved me and wanted to be with me, that he was "confused" (sound familiar?), that it was "easier to be with her right now because she lived there." But he would get pissed everytime I would try to let go, or if I would even mention dating someone else. He basically wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

To make a long story short, we ended up getting in a huge fight--he told me that he had never actually cared, that he was "so in love" with the new girl, etc. He would ignore me whenever I contacted him; however, he would still contact me on his own occasionally and brag about her and his wonderful life without me. I'm ashamed to say that I put up with this for a long time...it sucked, and I regret not getting him out of my life sooner. He treated me badly, and it wasn't as if I REALLY wanted to be his friend--it hurt too much.

Luckily, I eventually came to my senses and decided that I had had enough. I wrote him one last e-mail, told him not to contact me again, and I haven't contacted him in over two months. He has contacted me twice since then (one text and an IM)...both times meant nothing. He hasn't apologized for the way he treated me, he hasn't told me that he wants me back, or that he's willing to try to make things work between us again. And you know what? I WOULDN'T TAKE HIM BACK!!!

It's taken me a long time to realize this, but I am SO much better off without him. Like you (and everyone else), I deserve someone who wants to be with *me*...not somebody who is confused about what he wants. I deserve someone who won't cheat/lie and who will treat me well. I don't want to be somebody's "second choice." I have been having a great time being single--I have been focusing on myself and doing what makes ME happy. Although I thought I was so happy and "in love" at the time, I am seeing now that my relationship with my ex was not a healthy one. He was manipulative, clingy, and insecure...and I was also too insecure. We were not right for each other, and I was not happy within myself. I have been working on my insecurities and I have honestly become a much stronger, better person since my breakup...it feels great! :)

By the way, I think you are amazing for telling your ex that you can't be with him anymore. I'm sure that was extremely painful and it must have taken a lot of strength--good for you. It shows that you have a lot of self-respect and pride, and that's wonderful. You should be really proud of yourself!

I know it seems unbearable right now, but please understand that it all happened for a reason--even if you don't see it yet. Take this time to concentrate on yourself...don't just jump into another relationship. Be patient, because it's really a day-by-day process that will probably take awhile to get through. You will have your bad moments...but eventually those moments will become very rare, or not occur at all. Having no-contact really does help, as hard as it is sometimes--my ex was my best friend, and going from talking all the time to not talking at all was really difficult. But it helps you heal and prevents you from gaining false hope that he wants to get back together (plus then you don't have to hear about his new love interest). If he respects you, he will follow your wishes and not contact you...and who knows, maybe someday you two could be friends (if you want). But make sure you are over him first. Spend time with friends/family, throw yourself into your career/school, and just relax...have fun being single, and discover a *NEW YOU*! :) You will get through this...I promise.

Take care of yourself and stay strong <3

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 1:15am
Thank you! I actually feel like maybe you can identify with me and my situation, and that gives me a lot of comfort. More than you could ever know. And even though it's only been a few days, not talking to him IS hard. He was my very best friend--I told him everything, and he knows everything about me. It's so, so difficult for me. But I really thank you for your reply. My AIM name is elainetangerine--I would love to talk to you, sometime. Especially at times like now :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 3:56pm
I think you did what you felt was right in your heart. you are a much stronger person than I am. My ex and I dated for 3 years. I thought he was perfect after 2.5 years I found out he had been cheating on me the whole time. We did argue but mostly about other women, my financial issues and he ex wife. Who I was very jealous of, which I saw a long time ago was immature of me because they are both wonderful parents. Now I found out he was cheating for the 3rd time with the same girl as before.( there were as many as 7 different ones) I have begged him back. he tells me that he still loves me, but he loves her too because she is good to him (*shes 5 years older than him, and has always kissed his ass) Anyway, Like I said I cant get him out of my mind. He told some mutual friend of ours last night that he didn't want to know if I was seeing anyone or not, because it would hurt him too bad, and he doesn't know how he will react. All I can tell you is to follow your heart. I know it hurts, because I am in the same boat you are right now. I just still want mind and I will do anything to get him back. But he doesn't want me, he is with this girl all the time. Anyway, good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 3:42pm

I'm so glad that my reply has helped you. I hope that you are feeling better and remaining strong. I know it's extremely difficult, but you CAN do it! Look at how many people in the world have lost love and found it again...don't ever give up hope. Concentrate on making yourself a happier and more secure person. You WILL survive...because you basically don't have any other choice.

I don't really have the time to use AIM that often anymore (due to a busy class schedule, etc) but please feel free to e-mail me through this website ANYTIME, ok? I hope to hear from you :) Take care <3

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 10:06pm
I think what you're feeling is normal...it will pass in time.....and you'll be fine.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 11:18am

Yes it hurts. I know, I'm going through it right now. What you have to convince yourself of is that he won't change. Even if you did get back together, would you ever trust him not to do this again? What happens the next time he visits WV without you? What happens the next time he's anywhere out of town without you? If he didn't have a problem meeting someone else now, what's to say he wouldn't do it again? Especially if you take him back. Trust me, he will try it again to test you and see how much you will take.

I know you're thinking that perhaps he'll realize how much you meant to him and how wrong he was. Men don't think that way...women think that way. Don't be fooled by such a selfish individual.

Focus on yourself, pamper yourself, allow yourself to mourn, then move on. You deserve much better.

In my early 20's I met someone who at first adored me and put me on a pedestal. He then ignored me for another woman. It devasted me and I just had to have him. Well, I did get him back. I became pregnant, got married, got divorced. I LOVE my son and am so grateful for him. But I know that getting back with my ex b/f (at that time) was a big mistake. Now I have to deal with an ex husband who is an unbelievably selfish person and parent. And now I can't even imagine what I ever saw in him.

So, learn from my mistake. Don't take him back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 12:06pm

I agree on all the things you should do when you break up.Just like you I ended a 15 month long-distance relationship because my ex didn't think that going to live with him would be a good idea.-and he only said this because i had the guts to tell him that I'm not feeling welcome at his place,given that although he was agreeing that i should go & live with him he was constantly discouraging me to go & saying it would be difficult to live in a new country!

What hurt most was that he was saying i was too serious for him,never made him laugh,was too dependent & over-protected him.Although he agreed I would be able to change my traits if I live with him he still kept discouraging to do this.Quite a confused mind of his isn't it ?

Then I just decided that I had to end the relationship as I couldn't stay travelling monthly with no hope of ever settling down.then he agreed!!

He wanted to be friends but I was too hurt to do this so I asked him not to contact me.He eventually sent me a Goodbye ecard that we must now move on but remember the happy times we spent together (including Christmas at his parent's home).I just couldn't stop crying when I read the card.

Its been almost 3 weeks since our break up but I am feeling so much better now that I don't constantly have to worry whether he will ever be eager to welcome me to his place or not.I guess this was the reason why I was so serious for several months!

What's important is that you have the support of family and/or friends who really care for you & know that you can make it without him - or rather lead a better life without him.

Just like you I constantly blamed myself that I wasn't good enough for him.But now I realise that who really loves you loves you as you are as after all nobody is perfect!

I totally agree with your phrase :"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

well done on such great advice to all us heart-broken girls!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 12:11pm

Yes elaine,

Its really hard not to speak to your ex as I just found it so difficult when the hour that he usually calls me at arrives with no call or SMS,but this is only a phase which will eventually disappear.

Its much worse if he calls or texts because when I received a message from him I felt as if I was back to square one as I spent the rest of the day thinking about how much he must be missing me if he bothered to text .

Eventually you WILL meet a man who just wants to be with you & ONLY YOU & who will do anything to make you happy.

You should NEVER cry for a man who doesn't cry for you!!!!!

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