Please, please read and help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Please, please read and help!
12
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 10:07pm

Hi, everyone.

This is the story (please bear with me, cause it's a bit long):
I had been dating someone for about 15 months. Things were going well, seemingly. We rarely fought, we were totally comfortable with each other, and I loved him with all my heart--I was happy. Our families even had Thanksgiving, together. I didn't have much doubt that before it was all said and done, this man would be my husband. Well, then this happened. He is originally from West Virginia, and he went home over Christmas to be with some of his family. There was nothing weird about this. I had been home with him and met all of his extended family up there. When he returned a couple of days after Christmas, there was something different about him. I couldn't pinpoint what it was, but I just thought that it would blow over. After over a week of this weird behavior, I started pressing him to tell me what was wrong. He told me that he was "depressed" and couldn't figure out why. He told me that he was unhappy, so he needed to have some space. I was upset, but because I love him, I totally obliged. But then my brain started to suspect that perhaps there was more to the situation than just what he was telling me. To make a long story short, I figured out that he had met someone when he was in West Virginia--a girl that is very close friends with his younger brother. This girl took an immediate liking to my boyfriend. I guess he liked her, as well, because even though he says nothing happened (and I do believe that), he continued to talk to her once he got back here, to Georgia. When I called him on this, he just kept saying that he was confused, that he wasn't sure, that he didn't know what he wanted. Well, in my brain, I concluded that I deserved to be the only person that someone wanted, as he was (and still is) the only person that I want to be with. I would have dedicated my life to him in a second if he had asked me. So, I told him that I wanted to end it. It was absolutely THE hardest thing that I have ever had to do, as I really, really love this man. I don't know what to do. I feel like he is a horribly confused, immature person. I feel like maybe I didn't know this person as well as I thought I did. The hardest thing is that in breaking it off with him, I may have just thrown him straight into this other girl's arms, despite her being hundreds of miles away. I don't know what to think. I know that I ended things, but I just wish so badly that he would wake up and realize the repercussions of his actions--he lied to me by not telling me about this girl, he lied to this girl by not telling her about me (one of his family members ended up telling her about me). He told her that he broken up with me when he was still telling me that he was "confused" and "didn't know." I'm the one who's confused. I don't know if I can let all of this go. Should I close all doors to him? I need advice, words of wisdom...anything. Please, please help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 4:22pm

I'm sorry to hear about the painful situation that you went through. It definitely sounded confusing, and I'm glad you realized that it was only bringing you down. Aren't you relieved that you didn't move to a new country to be with your ex? My ex had wanted me to move to his state, and I'm SO happy that I never did. I would definitely be in a far worse position than I am right now. Since my rose-colored glasses have come off, I have realized that my ex is not somebody that I want or need...and I'm glad that I didn't disrupt my entire life in order to be with him.

I'm very happy to hear that things are getting so much better for you. I hope they continue to go well, and that you remain strong. Good job on making it this far! Thanks for your kind words...I'm glad my post managed to inspire you even just a little bit :)

Take care of yourself <3

"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out."

"You can try your hardest, you can do everything & say everything...but sometimes people just aren't worth trying over anymore, they aren't worth worrying about. It's important to know when to let go of someone who only brings you down."

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 6:32pm

Yes I am relieved that i didn't have to move to a new country as to do this I was going to give up my whole life ie my family,my friends and my job!

Although he told me all those negative things about my character traits etc...I still believe that deep down he was scared to commit himself to me since my presence might have minimised his freedom to go out with his friends all the time (although i would never have kept him away from his friends)

i agree with you when you say that you should know when to let go of someone as at the end of the day it would simply be a waste of time.Why should I stay here worrying about him when he's having fun with all his friends (also I was going to live with my ex in France where he's there on a working holiday as his real home is in the UK).His situation might have also hindered the idea of committing himself to me....but anyway whatever the reason for the break up I guess he didn't love me enough to want to live with me....so I should just forget about him & only hope that one day there'll be a guy I like out there who is willing to share his life with me.

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