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| Thu, 03-03-2005 - 6:39pm |
ANSWERS PLEASE!!!!!!!!!
ive gone 2 weeks without talking to my ex..heres what he did recently.
1- he made an online journal entry that he KNOWS I WOULD SEE saying "its been a while since i updated and new things are going on in my life. ive lost some friends and gained some friends. im not too stoked about the loss of a friend. but its out of my control" and he also said "my birthday is coming up and im not looking forward to spending it alone..plus i feel like im getting old"
2- he sent me an email after 2 weeks of not talking that says "just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, i know its not for a few more days..i hope youre doing a bit better"
i analyze everything!! i forgot he was on my friends list for the journal...but i have now deleted him so i dont have to see any more of his entries.
why did he email me???? was it really just to be polite...i told him that i wasnt able to talk to him for a while cuz i need to get over him. my biggest question here is...
a)was the email a conversation starter? my birthday wasnt for another 5 days..why did he email me about it so early..he has access to email everywhere he goes. so did he just miss me and want to start a conversation and thats the best he could come up with?
b)he sounds like hes starting to get lonely..... does he miss me as a gf, or just as a friend?
c)do you think he expects me to email him back? does he think he was being really nice and going out of his way to say happy bday to me..and if i dont respond will be be pissed?
d)SHOULD i email him back? just to say thanks or whatever,..and to maybe wish him a happy bday as well..
e)he has a bday coming up too. i still feel like everything i do is to try to get him back. will i get him back more by not saying anything about his bday and making him upset and miss me...or will i get him back more by being really nice and wishing him a happy bday...
i feel like ive done so well in not contacting him..i dont want to start now. but what if this is his way of trying to get me back. initiating conversations himself.. if he emailed me should i email him back? i dont want to be FRIENDS though...i want to be DATING. gahhh this is ridiculous. thank you sooooooo much for answers.
Edited 3/3/2005 6:54 pm ET ET by keetee27

Keetee
Deep breath in...deep breath out...
I know EXACTLY how you feel. During the first week of my break-up my bf emailed me with the "here's what's been going on, just wanted you to know"...then when I told him to please stop contacting me for my own sanity (b/c he wants to be friends, badly) he put up away messages, knowing that I would see them, like "Missing E..." or "eh. :-( " or some other such nonsense to let me and the world know "how sad he is about losing his best friend."
For about a millisecond there I was having the same sort of hyper-analyzation thoughts that you are, but then I realized that it is: Utter. Manipulative. Rot.
Look. These guys broke up with us. What they had with us is over. And let me say that again, just to drive the point home, it is over.
They decided that we were not THE ONES and that their lives would be better off without us as their girlfriends. They may still love us, miss us, etc., as their companions and friends, but the time for us giving everything to them is over. So he's trying to reach out to you in some way....are you ready for that? Have you taken all the time that you need for yourself...to sort out everything that's going on in your head, to grow as a person, to move past all those romantic feelings for him? From the sound of your post, I think you know the answers to those questions. Until YOU are ready and you feel like you won't be sacrificing more of yourself for the GUY WHO DUMPED YOU then seriously, scr*w him and his "oh look I'm such a wounded animal" act. This is YOUR time. Not his. Use it to your advantage, don't let him manipulate you and just STOP hyper-analyzing everything and its mom.
Don't even bother emailing him back. Just delete the thing and go do something else. As for "hurting his feelings" or whatever, go see Erin/Doubleblade's responses to my "Driving myself crazy" post, where she slaps some sense into me regarding my feelings of guilt over not contacting my ex for his b-day next week.
And lest you think that I'm an angry, heartless b*tch * (b/c re-reading my post I sound kinda bitter), let me assure you that this is not the case. I love my ex profoundly, but I've been able to see the brutal and painful truth for some time now....that we weren't right for eachother, that our relationship is over and that there is no way back to what we had. But honestly, why would you want to go back? Going back to where you were would mean going back to a place that wasn't right. Wouldn't you rather move forward, grow, become a stronger person, learn to love and understand yourself more? You know what's in the past...but the future holds limitless possibilities unknown! Let yourself be free of this man. Who knows, in time you may find that you are ready to reach out to him to be his friend while not wanting to date him...or maybe you'll really get over him and just not need him anymore. Don't you want to find out? If you keep trodding this same path and keep reliving the relationship and trying to go back...you never will.
Edited 3/3/2005 8:39 pm ET ET by eeyore_2436
Edited 3/3/2005 9:16 pm ET ET by eeyore_2436
Hi
I suggest leaving this alone. Maybe he got lonely or curious about what you have been doing. There is no point in analyzing why he contacted you. Let's stick with the facts, he wishes you a Happy Birthday, so it was something nice he did. There is no reason to read into this.
He may miss you but, if he does he did not say so, and since he did not say so, then you may as well assume that he just got lonely. Very likely he will not be pissed, he is just cruising, so if you won't respond he won't care. He wants you to email him back, b/c then he will be getting the attention from you which he craves, but it does not mean he wants you back.
You do not have to respond to him, but if you want to you can just tell him thanx, same to you, then if he pursues this conversation, you can tell him sorry, I am not ready to be friends, bye.
You wishing him a Happy Birthday or not will not have any affect on whether he will come back to you. If he wants to get back with you he will tell you so, and he won't mumble about feeling confused and being busy, he will call and tell you that he wants to try again, anything else that he says is BS.
If this is his way of trying t get you back, then he will TRY HARDER and will suddenly remember you number and will call you to tell you how much he misses you and how much he wants you back. Trust me, he will get your address off the Internet, if he wants to find you, and he forgot where you live.
Let’s keep our eye on the ball. You know what you want, you want him as a bf, or nothing, so do not respond to his messages and emails unless he explicitly writes or tells you he wants you again in his life as a gf. I think you should not contact him and not respond to his games, b/c this is what he is doing trying to find out if you will catch his bait.
He is testing the waters, if they are just deep enough to swim in or so deep that he would drown in them. Do not let him take you for a fool, keep moving on and try to forget him. Remember how it hurt you when the two of you broke up, before you go back swimming with this shark. He will come around, if he is serious about it, if not, then you will be in your way to a better life without someone who did not appreciate you. Take care of yourself.
thanks for all the responses ladies!
...so really you dont even think something simple like "ok thanks for the birthday wishes..happy early bday to you too" is ok?
i was thinking maybe it would be ok if i said something small like that cuz i dont seem like a complete bitch for not responding to something he did that was nice.
also if i dont reply i feel like he'll never contact me again cuz he thinks ive moved on or whatever.... and i still want him to contact me even though thats bad =( i still want it to be possible that we get back togther =( so im not throwing myself at him...but just showing him i appreciated the gesture or something. what do you think?
No. My answer is still no. You're going to do what you want but just...no.
Keetee, I'm right there with you girl. My ex's b-day is next Friday...and I know he was "planning on spending it with me" (him breaking up with me is something that I..well..I forced. anyway, i digress)...and already I feel like a heinous, awful, monsterous bitch for a great many reasons knowing that I'm not going to do anything for him, send him a card or even a quick little email. But, good lord, Keetee...the boy is just trying to get you to take the bait so you can make him feel better for 2 seconds while completely compromising yourself. Don't do it. You are stronger than this. You are stronger than you even know. Just take it day by day--minute by minute if you have to!--and just resolve to use "no contact" as a tool for your growth. Don't go backwards by contacting him. Remember that any little excuse you come up with for contacting him is just that; a big, fat excuse.
If you not responding to his e mail is enough to make him not contact you ever again then he really didn't want to stay in contact with you that badly. If he wants you back he will work his *** off to get you, in the meantime take care of yourself.
Please don't analyze the e mail or anything else. I asked my son for some advice about my daughter and her break up with her boyfriend and what her boyfriend meant by things he was doing and son came right out and told me, guys don't analyze, they don't think like that. After all these years, it was an eye opener for me. So sending the e mail might have just been that, sending a friendly e mail and not expecting anything. I know just how you feel since my daughter is going through similar things, put yourself first and do good things for you.
I analyze everything too, so I know how you feel there! It can get really frustrating and make it hard to let things go.
I agree with the other posters and say don't contact him. It'll open the door for him to get back into your life, but it will be on his terms. You've already said he wants to be friends and you want to be his girlfriend. I know it seems sort of mean to not reply, but if he is the friend he claims he is, he will respect your need for space. And really, I think it's more inconsiderate to send an e-mail to someone who has asked you not to contact her than to be the one ignoring the e-mail you asked not to get in the first place. (Sorry, that was a bit confusing!) I realize that the idea of him getting angry and never contacting you again hurts like crazy. But you really need to think about how much you really mean to him if he could actually do that to you. Do you want to keep someone in your life who would do that to you? You deserve better.
I think what you should do now is focus on having a great birthday. Make some fun plans so you have something else to focus on other than him! You could get together with friends and/or family, go to a spa & get pampered, spend a day doing something you really love but don't normally have time for or (my favorite) do something crazy you always wanted to do, like go skydiving or something! It's always nice to have something to look forward to.
I know it's hard now, but every day you push through is one day closer to being over this. Keep being strong!