Please read... I could use some advice.
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| Mon, 08-30-2004 - 8:19pm |
Firstly, I would like to apologize because this is probably going to be a long read. If you can get through it all, I have the utmost respect for you.
A few weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend of three and a half months. I came online and saw this message board, and debated whether to post here or not.
My reason for that? I am seventeen years old. I am a senior in high school. I wasn't sure if my problems were, well... as serious as the others on this board. We weren't married, we didn't get divorced, so from the outside, it doesn't seem like a very big deal. After all, we were just high schoolers. (Technically, he is a college freshman now and I am still in high school... but that's besides the point.)
That being said, I would like to share my story here and possibly get some insightful advice. I will take anything at this point. The truth is, I don't have very many people to talk to about this. My parents are difficult, especially my mother, and my friends have never been in a serious relationship (both a blessing and a curse, in my opinion). I don't trust my teachers well enough to talk to them, and I certainly don't want to go to counseling. Not over this.
In April 2004 I began dating my ex-boyfriend. I knew full well going into the relationship that he was leaving for college in August, just a few months. I knew that and yet I did it anyway because I had to know if he ever had feelings for me before he left. I always kinda had a feeling he did all through high school, and last year, I figured I might as well. We started going out and spending a lot of time with each other. I had never had a best friend, and he got to be so close to me that it felt like a best friend. We shared a very close connection (yes, this may be hard to believe--I understand. we are teenagers. but I refuse to believe that it's impossible)... so close, I told him more than I've ever told anyone. We were able to have open conversations about everything, including sex. We both decided that it wasn't a good idea at the time to do it, and I still firmly agree with that decision.
In June he graduated high school. As soon as he graduated, he went to Europe for two weeks... one of the longest two week periods of my life. By that point we were in love. He would email me nearly every day from Paris or Brussels.. wherever he was. He went out of his way to stay in contact, which was touching. Anyway, he came back in early July. His family travels A LOT. He's been on about 700 plane rides in his life, mainly because his dad gets free tickets. It seemed to me that as soon as he had come back from Europe, he left again. Basically, most of the summer, he was gone. And when he was here, he was okay most of the time... but occasionally I would call him on his cell phone and he wouldn't answer me for a few hours, and I would begin to wonder where he was. He never woke up before 2:00 in the afternoon (no, not ALL teenagers do this, just some) and he never made any real effort to see me before 9:00 at night, which was kind of disappointing. We were both out of school; why couldn't we have spent the day together? He didn't have a job.
Anyway, on his last trip, he called me twice in 6 days, which was very unusual for him. We're talking about a person who used to call me three times in one night.. for what reason, I have absolutely no idea. He returned from his last trip somewhat distant, and I couldn't quite understand why. This is the middle of July-beginning of August now. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he was very stressed. I asked him why, about what... and he didn't give me a very concrete answer. He said he didn't want to leave here, he was going to miss his parents, and most of all me, and it was driving him crazy. I couldn't understand why. I mean, okay, this is totally off topic, but I really hate high school. I can't wait until I can graduate and go to college and begin my life. I couldn't understand why he was so stressed and sad about leaving. I'd do anything to leave this place in a heartbeat. Everyone is different, I suppose. Of course at that point, I was beginning to feel sad about him leaving for college, being that it was only about two weeks away. We had agreed months earlier that we would try having a long distance relationship while he was in college. He goes to college 5 hours away, it's not the other end of the earth. We figured that we could handle it.
I tried to send him an email telling him exactly how I felt at that point... about him leaving, about us. I figured it was the least I could do. He sent me back an email that wasn't even decipherable English. I could barely even understand it. All he said was that he didn't know what to do about anything. He was confused and stressed. Yeah... tell me something I DON'T know.
A week later, the week before he had to leave, I broke up with him. We had been drifting apart and I didn't know what was going on with him. I was sick of hearing him tell me how hard it was for him and how stressed he was. It's not that I didn't care--I did. But it was driving me crazy, too. I am a generally calm, levelheaded person; I don't freak out very often. I drove to his house and I broke up with him on his driveway (an action I regret even now, weeks later). I was horrible to him... I didn't even let him explain himself. I just said everything I needed to say and left, which was very selfish and immature.
The next day I wrote him an email saying I was very sorry for not letting him talk, and that all our signals got crossed during the previous week. Everything had gotten so crazy... we couldn't even think straight. I asked him for another chance.
When he answered me, he was a different person. Everything he had told me just a few months before--just a month before--he contradicted. Everything. He did not deny, however, that he loved me. He simply told me that he thought it was the best decision to break up now, that he didn't want a long distance relationship, and that we would see what would happen when I came up there in a year. (I am going to his college next year.) We finally agreed that we would be "friends"... whatever THAT means. How can you be friends with someone you love? And please, someone with more experience, please answer me-- can you fall out of love that quickly and that easily? I know they say out of sight, out of mind, and maybe that's true... but can you really disengage yourself that quickly?
Why couldn’t he have given me a second chance. Was I that horrible? Maybe I was. I don’t know anymore. I would have been happy with him calling me every now and then. I would have lived with it. Why couldn’t he have done it? I would have done it. I wouldn't have given up on us. And now he is off on his own. He is free. Which scares me, but I have absolutely no control over it now. Absolutely none. :( He is a college freshman... with all those parties and that drinking... god. It's horrible.
No, it's not. The really horrible and confusing thing is... he's coming home this weekend. My good friend is turning 18, and he's having a party. My ex-boyfriend will be there, as will I. I know, I know. I just have to act normal and be myself. Easier said than done. I'm afraid of seeing him again. I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of a lot of things. God, being a teenager is difficult.
I think that's all there is to say, really. The bottom line is, I don't have closure. I barely talk to him. He lives 300 miles away. I am a senior and next year I am going to the same college. I don't know what I am supposed to do now.
Please tell me what you think, even if you think I'm crazy. I just need some feedback. And to get this off my chest.
Thank you.
Rose

First of all, just because you are very young doesn't mean you don't have real relationship issues and if your problems are serious to you, then I am sure everyone on this board will also take it seriously. That said, I think that maybe your boyfriend was distant with you and called less because when they go off to another school, sometimes long distance relationships can be difficult and he is going to be meeting many new people and may not want to be tied down at this time. You asked why he would want to remain friends... I know the answer to that... because guys want to have you around just in case things don't work out as planned. You were good to him and he knows it so of course he doesn't want to let you go completely. I was glad to hear that you and he discussed sex and decided it wasn't the right thing to do. Good for you, you are young and shouldn't rush into anything. If I were you I would give him some space. Calling or emailing him will only make matters worse and might distance him some more. If he wants to talk to you (and I'm sure he will) he will contact you. Leave the ball in his court as he already knows how you feel. P.S. Don't feel bad that you broke up with him in his driveway. I am sure he must have admired that you didn't accept all of his excuses and decided to do something about it. I wish you much luck. Lucy
The first two women have given some great advice. You're hurting right now. Hurt is the same for all ages :) I'm glad you posted. You sound like a very eloquent and intelligent young woman. It also sounds like you have been through a lot emotionally. Maybe in some time you are going to need some closure...eventually. I've been reading these boards for a couple hours now and from them and my own life lessons, I can tell you giving yourself some time to sort through your feelings is the best thing you can do right now. Focus on yourself. Closure comes over time...I know that is hard to hear because you probably want to fix everything so the pain and confusion stops right now. Oh, I know all about that :) Well, the hurt, pain, and confusion takes some time to heal. But it will. I know that's probably not what you want to hear but you will be OK. You really will be alright.
As for the party, really think to yourself how you will respond. Go through it in your head. Visualize yourself having a good time. And remember closure takes some time. No matter what, it is important to focus on being good to yourself right now. That is always a recipe for happiness. Take good care. I'll be thinking about ya.
K
I realize that, at this point, I cannot have closure. And I accept that. There are so many loose ends that it would be impossible to feel like I did have closure. I can deal with the fact that I don't. As for being hurt, it comes and goes. I have days where I hate him, days where I love him, and days where I could care less either way.
I know I will be alright. This entire experience has been very educational, actually. I have learned a lot and I feel more mature. My life really isn't so bad right now. I have some really great friends, good classes in school, and a caring family.
When I go to the party Saturday, I'm just going to be myself. I think if he sees that I'm calm about everything, he will be calm as well. Of course, this is all assuming that there IS a party and that we don't get hit by a hurricane... (I live in South Florida.)
-Rose