please take time to read and reply

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
please take time to read and reply
4
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 1:09pm
I was a very overweight girl about a year ago and I began to date a friend of a friend. Well, I was a very passive and insecure person because I was so heavy. I didn't ever make any demands on him and he was used to much prettier girls harping him, and we got along famously. He helped me exercise and before you know it we were spending every day together and I moved in with him. I was in heaven, he was my first boyfriend and he was good-looking, athletic and caring. We spent our days exercising and hanging out. Soon though I began to hunger after the physical attention I wasn't getting. I felt bad because he had invited me into his life and was attentive and fun but not very cuddly. We had sex and he would stop and kiss me or give me an occasional hand hold but that was it. One day we were on our way back from the gym and he told me that he didn't like it about himself but he was more affectionate towards thinner girls. I appreciated the honesty but things began to unravel. I felt very insecure. I had gone from 240 to 180 at the time but was still considerably overweight. We only fought once when we were together and it was a drunk and silly arguement but I still felt we weren't going to make it. I began to realize how smart he was and it made me feel inferior. He was educationally based and I had yet at 23 to start college. He broke up with me after 5 months and told me I was his best friend and he wanted me to stay. He asked another girl out that night. I was shattered, how could he move on from me like that? I was so in love and he was fine with being my friend. Then I got angry. I shouted and then ignored him and made up only to get angry again. We continued sleeping together inbetween his other girlfriends. We still spent alot of time together. I would get angry everytime a new girl came into the picture but for a year we would have some distance for the month he dated them and then right back to spending all our time together. I felt like I was constantly waiting. He encouraged and begged me to find someone or something to move onto and supported me in starting school and getting a better job. I love him for so much but I find it hard to be just his friend. After awhile I started to irritate him. He thought I was weak and said I didn't take any of his advice. He couldn't handle me anymore. His other friends took in his advice and he could respect theirs. But to him I was ignorant and didn't have anything to offer him. Now we don't spend any time together. I feel lost but worse than that I feel guilty and stupid. He hates being around me because I get angry. I guess it's always lurking there now and anything can set me off, I think it's because I feel out of control when it comes to him because I need him so bad and he could take it or leave it. So instead of being my relaxed self I become needy and push him further and further away. He says he understands and doesn't think I'm a bitch but I feel like one. I feel horrible knowing that this person that used to want to hang out with me would prefer to have nothing to do with me. Worse yet I have to watch his friends come over and hang out and we used to be inseperable. I used to be his fun, laid back friend, the person he included in everything. Know he sees me as weak, and whiny and annoying and it's destroying me because that's what I've become. I've ruined my friendship and on top of losing him I feel guilty for annoying him for so long but I was trying to hold onto this amazing person any way I could. Am I crazy or just too pathetic for words? i think it's both. Please be as brutal as you like.
"More and more it seems like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself."
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 1:32pm

Hi civiljenna and welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 2:09pm
i think its never good to be with someone who is obviously letting u know he is better then you-everyone should have someone on his own level.but from other hand not even that always works..
it takes 2 for tango and its not good to carry relationship on your own back.it seams to me that you were to him just something sure..something he can always come back to cuz he is using fact that you love him,but he actually dont have right attentions..not the one you are hoping for..but hold on girl..you are not the only one on this roller coaster of broken hearts..
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 5:42pm
Thank you so much for taking the time to read that. I have no one to talk to because he doesn't want to hear it from me anymore at all. Plus, we share the same friends so I can't talk to them. It's wierd because I don't want to say anything negative about him, it makes me feel guilty and unloyal. I appreciate the advice and the book suggestions. I know I need counseling. I don't know why this is so hard for me and not for other people. Two girls have broken up with him since we've lived together and it didn't seem to phase either him or them. Here I am feeling absolutely crushed. Maybe they don't see him in the same light. Last night he told me that he would prefer to never see me and that he might be moving soon. I know I shouldn't care because he doesn't but I feel guilty on so many levels. First, I hate that I lost my cool laid back attitude and became "the most psycho girl he's ever had to deal with." I keep thinking that if I had just left him alone and done my own thing and lost more weight he would still want to be around me. I also became very depressed and didn't clean as much and stopped doing his laundry. Now, I know that as a roommate none of these things are my responsibility and I know that even if I had gotten extremely thin that he would never want to be with me. However, I think about how much he means to me and how much I admire him and I want him to feel the same way. Instead I fell apart and gained 10 pounds and instead of being someone he wanted to be around I became someone he had to . From now on I'll just be a story like all his other ex girlfriends. Except I'll be the worst story he has to tell. I invested so much time and money and energy and all I get is the worst story title. I really wish I had kept losing weight so his girlfriends would have seen me as the thin roommate, and he would have enjoyed having sex with me more. I also wish that I had just kept my mouth shut and I was still his best friend. I want to take everything back and just be his friend. He tried to be mine for a year and I feel so badly about myself. I meditate on this and feel a little better but all these intrusive thought keep popping up especially about the friendship. He told me that I'm 95 percent to blame and the horrible thing is he's absolutely right because he tried and I sabotaged it. Sorry... I know this is long and whiny and oh so sad but it helps to get it out in a place where people won't try to lock me up for being crazy. Once again thank you for your response it helps to know that I can be understood because I'm really losing it. I've lost friends before but never felt like this because this time I f****D it up. He'll be relieved and happy to be away from me finally....How do I live with that?
"More and more it seems like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself."
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 6:28pm

I'm going to point out a few more things for you...


::First, I hate that I lost my cool laid back attitude and became "the most psycho girl he's ever had to deal with."


It's ok to 'hate' that.