Pls Help "A Break"
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| Sun, 12-31-2006 - 12:39pm |
OK I am sitting here on NYE trying to figure out what the hell just happened to my relationship. Let me set this up. Known each other for 3 yrs and been exclusive for 2. We don't live together, lived about 30-40 min apart, and we saw each other mostly on the wknds and sometimes through the week. I am 31, he is 34, and we are both Leos.
He is adopted and has known since he was a teen. He found his birth mother back in early November and to keep that short, his adoptive mom contacted her and asked if she wanted to meet her son but the birth mom hasn't called back or made any attempt to reunite.
On Friday night, I went over to my ex's place to make him dinner. He sat me down and pretty much lowered the boom. He has been trying to get licensure in his line of work to expand his business for almost a year now. He failed parts of the test for a 2nd time and found out Friday afternoon. He proceeded to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to spend the weekends with me anymore until he passes the exam in late February, that he needed to take a break and focus on his business. I said "OK, so does this mean that we aren't going to see each other at all?" He responded that we could see each other on Fridays. I didn't have to say much else before it pretty much went from bad to worse. You name it, he said it. He reached way back to May and brought up several things I had said, done, apologized for and forgotten about. Though we have been fighting a lot (some of them really bad fights with me thoroughly losing my grip) over the past several months, I loved (and still do but using past tense to try and get over it) him so very much and tried my damndest to make it work but no matter what I said or did, he wasn't happy with me.
In sum, he said he needs time and space right now to figure out what he wants out of life and to get his licensure taken care of and focus on him and his business. He has totally renounced any sort of romantic love for me and said that perhaps in time it would come back but right now he really doesn't know what he wants but that he isn't happy.
He also said at one point maybe we're both good people but just not good together. It also doesn't help that one of his closest friends just broke up with his gf in early December and he has been spending a lot of time with his friend.
I am so angry and sad at the same time. Part of me really wants to understand but I also told him yesterday I don't think it's fair for me to sit here and hold my breath while he figures out what the hell he wants. He agreed and said that although he doesn't want to break up with me he needs to do this for right now and he just doesn't have in his heart for me what he once had.
Can you guys pls share your thoughts about all of this? What, if any, influence do you think his finding his birth mother and her not being responsive has anything to do with this? Does he really not love me at all anymore? I couldn't believe what I was hearing as he said such things to me. I am pretty much thrown for a loop but functioning. I woke up this AM and cried b/c we are usually waking up together on Sunday but he is long gone.
Thanks much for reading/responding.
L

Repeat after me: Breaks are a GOOD thing.
If it were *only* the licensure thingie that was going on, and he hadn't dredged up all those not so nice things and expressed serious doubts about you as a partner, then I'd tend to agree with Sandra. But since that's not what happened, I think that you would be best served by assuming this is over and starting the healing/grieving/moving on process. If he comes back in February (or later on down the road) and has decided he thinks you two are a good fit after all, then great. But if he doesn't (and from what you wrote, I think there's a reasonably good chance that he won't), then you'll have a big head start on your recovery.
Sheri
Sandra thanks for your response. Though I didn't mention it in the post, I have improved my fighting ways, though not gone, they had gotten better and he even admitted that. I have been going to counseling here and there and will def continue. I tried to get him to come with me so we could work on these issues and although first he was open to it, he changed his mind and said he didn't like the fact that we were already going to counseling and weren't married nor living together yet. He said he had talked to some people about it and that it just wasn't good. He had even told the counselor that if we could get through the issues we were having that he wanted to marry me. Really? Not sure what happened to that.
When I look back over the past several months, I can see that he was trying to change me and would harp on traits I have (other than the fighting) that drew him to me in the 1st place.
I am giving him all the space he needs. I don't want to be in a relationship where someone is trying to change my very nature, where I can improve I am open to it, but I can't stand for being deprogrammed. We are so much alike and I think that has been part of the problems.
I could drone on and on but I'm pretty much done with him at this point anyway, I'm just sad that things took such a turn for the worse. Yesterday he said he didn't want to break up with me but it had to be that way for right now, that it could take a week or it could take a month for him to get his head screwed back on straight but I told him I didn't think it was fair for me to sit and hold my breath waiting to see.
This SUCKS.
Sorry
Edited 12/31/2006 1:38 pm ET by lioness10007
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me pglt. I really do feel that although it isn't the sole reason, it is contributing to a greater extent than he even realizes. He hasn't said one word to me about it. I have a background in psychology and have wondered if it is possible that he is rejecting in large part because he has been rejected. There were problems before this surfaced but his interactions with me, ie manner of speaking, etc. deteriorated pretty quickly thereafter. He is very angry about a lot of things right now. It is though he has completely changed. At times when I think about his face over the last month or so, I remember him looking like he was in a great deal of pain or like he was gritting his teeth. I can't recall the last time his face looked truly happy. When I saw him on Friday, it was as though his eyes were completely dead to me. He had no emotion toward me whatsoever, very cold. I just wish he could see how this has affected a relationship that he once said meant the world to him.
Hugs to you and have a great New Year :)
SIGH. Happy New Year everybody.
Yesterday I went out to B&N and bought the book It's Called a Breakup b/c It's Broken and read it from cover to cover. It's a great book and made me feel better. I also talked to a guy friend yesteday who owns his own business and a lot came back to me about the reservations I had initially had about this man. He has involved his family greatly in his business and he told me things they have done or said that made me question the integrity of their involvement and motives. Though it is none of my business, I feel it is quite possible he is being taken for a ride when it comes to the finances of his business. Without rambling on and on, his sister from another mother (she was adopted also) and her husband oversee the financial aspects of the business. They do not keep him informed of financials other than that the biz is doing better or worse. I had expressed concern to him over the fact that they don't have monthly mtgs to review the financials, etc. I am in senior mgt in a for profit company and know a bit about running a business and my job requires that I live, breathe, and sleep financials, etc. When he put my concerns into his on words to them, it was an all out war and he was told how ungrateful he was for how much they have tried to help him.
In sum, their intro into his business came as a result that this man doesn't have a strong busines sense and admittedly didn't know what he was doing. Recently, b/c my love for him was growing (in my eyes), I turned to trying to figure out how I could help him n his business, so I mentioned finances. He had been fighting with his sister to the point that she was slated to hand over the books back to him. Yet, when I expressed interest in becoming involved, all of a sudden, she wasn't going anywhere. I had told him at one point when he was really upset with how things were going with them and his business that I certainly didn't want to be married to someone whose family could so seriously affect my life. *Probably not an optimal time to say it*, but it is also how I felt. I just can't get past the feeling that something isn't right there but it is no longer my concern.
So here I am on NYD and I'm back to feeling like I'm in shock like I did when the breakup happened over Fri PM/Sat AM.
I have reconnected with why this isn't going to work but I'm still just so sad.
Why can't I just get over this?!!
I'm sorry to read your post because our stories are very similar. My boyfriend and I broke up Friday. Same reasons. Same bad to worse approach, going back to last April, things I had said and done, stuff he had been keeping inside.
As to your situation, I don't speak male...so it is difficult to interpret what the reason behind his actions are. The one thing I have learned is that whatever you think it is, that's probably not it. it's something that might not even be on your radar at all. I've also learned the hard way that sometimes you just don't want to know what the reason is. It's too harsh. It destroys what good memories you have and makes it that much more difficult to work things out if that is what it comes to.
Years ago a good friend gave me some advice. She told me that you can't control another person, what they do or say or how they feel. You can be supportive, you can listen, you can wine and dine them, but you can't control them. The only thing you can truly control is yourself. Whatever it is that is getting to him...give him space to figure it out. Just don't sit on the sidelines. Keep living your life too. You deserve to be happy.
Hi All
It has been awhile since I've been on here-this is going to be a bit long since I haven't been on here LOL . I am still moving fwd from this relationship and have not tried to contact my ex since Jan 29th when he turned his phone off after I said "I just want to see you". Lame of me I know, but after he turned his phone OFF, I thought, to he** with this, I am just going to go into NC and leave him alone.
SO, I have heard from him 3 times in the past month. One was a msg on MySpace subject: Long Time. He just wrote and said, Hello , How have you been doing? This was March 11. I wrote back later that evening and said, Great, thanks! How about you? Got a response back fairly quick that he was Very Busy. Fine, I left that alone and did not respond.
Last Sunday, I got a random txt from him saying Hello , How are you doing?. Needless to say, I was a bit surprised! I had some business I had to discuss with him so rather than txt back, I sent him an email the next day saying I'd gotten his txt and that I was fine thanks, how was he? I then covered the biz I needed to cover and left it at that, very business like. Basically, I thought, OK that's it. This past Tuesday, I got an email from him at work of the CUTEST kitten I have EVER seen (besides when my cat was a kitty). No msg, just a picture of this kitty taken by him on his cam phone. SO, I waitied a day and just replied back CUTE! That's it. I haven't heard anything back from him since. Sooo, you know what my questions are, what IS he trying to do? I told him when I first turned his 'break' into a break up that I didn't think I could ever be his friend and I STILL feel that way. So do you all think this is just a casual drop in, let me see if this girl is still alive, or ???? I appreciate any input guys on the board (I see there are a few on here) as well as girls might have on these contacts from my ex.
I have resigned myself to the fact that what I had with my ex is over, and though it hurts, the way things are is how HE wanted them, and I'm trying not to read too much into his contacting me, but like I said I was surprised he has. I figured I would just never hear from him again. Also, I have decided that if we ever WERE to try and pursue something again, it would have to be very slow, I'm not jumping back into ANYTHING! I would need a clean a slate as possible (I know you can't delete the past history but I think in a way, learning from what went wrong b4 a breakup can have an advantage over anything you would start with someone new).
I also wanted to say I hope you all are doing OK, I KNOW it's HARD! I feel like I have been to hell and back but let me tell you, no matter how you feel right now it DOES get better. I am still sad and think about my ex daily, but the utter despair and sadness you feel now if you've gone through a recent breakup will get better, I promise you with all my heart. I have been meeting a lot of guys, dating, going out and having fun (def too much to drink here and there) but I feel like I'm more back to my oldself I was b4 I met him.
Thanks in advance for your responses.
Again, I wish all of you who are hurting a speedy healing :)
L