Is this a possibilty?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
Is this a possibilty?
8
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 4:42pm
I have posted here in the last couple of months about my break up and me and the ex have had no contact what so ever in that time frame, until yesterday when we ran into each other getting our mail and then had a 4 hour conversation on the phone. We both agreed that we still love each other but that there is a big problem that we discovered after this conversation that she has this self sabotage syndrome. After reading other posts on Ivillage about snooping and jealousy and knowing the dating scene is a horrible place , would it be wrong for us to try and find a solution to this problem. I dont want to be like everyone else and just go along with the norm for a throw away society, when the person I love has a problem, even though I know that this would be a big one to tackle. I feel that I owe it to both of us to try and help her with this problem, since only now I fully understand why the person was acting this way in certain situations.
Don
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 6:46pm

Hi Don,


Anything is possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 8:01pm
Yes I have done some research and downloaded some articles to read , I dont know if she will actually try these things but she admits she has this problem along with snooping , which I feel creates half of the problems. If she doesnt want to, at least I will have the satisfaction of knowing I gave it everything I had. But I will still be sad knowing or at least thinking it could have maybe worked.
don
ps
Do you know of any other articles on this subject.


Edited 8/25/2007 8:12 pm ET by topgun923
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 10:15pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 10:17pm

Just because it's been bugging me that I couldn't find your previous posts (duh, they were on the other board) here they are - re-reading sometimes brings some insight as well:


What can I do?


GAS CAN


I am in disbelieve




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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 9:53am

Honestly, after reading all the posts (thank you carrie for posting them btw), I have mixed feelings on this. On one hand, she sounds like she has some very hefty expectations about how romances are supposed to function.

However, on the other hand, I think if you were to ask my last ex to describe our relationship, he'd probably trot out some of the same issues. ie. the angry over ONE little thing A lot of it is, of course, the circumstances of how the post-exam fight happened and whether or not it's only one incident in a series of many.

For example, I remember the week before we broke up, he said he'd call the next day and didn't ('course I found out later he was busy cheating at the time --''). But anyways I got REALLY angry over this. Angry enough to lose my cool (which is rare). To him I was overreacting, but to me, it was the latest in a series of missed phone calls, abruptly canceled plans, etc. Of course, being angry, I was unable to articulate the fact that this was a reminder of the dozens of times he'd left me hanging. I remember multiple times when he told me he'd call at xx o clock and I ended up waiting 2-3 hours by the phone while he went shopping. Anyways, my point is, if this incident is characteristic of the way you usually treat her, well...maybe she's a little justified when she says you don't treat her with respect. Did you explain to her that two of your friends called? Offer her an alternative to going out that worked for you? Sometimes what she's looking for is reassurance that you care, not the actual plan itself. Just like when he wanted to go shopping instead of calling, fine, but not being able to spend 30s letting me know you'll be busy today is a disgusting lack of respect.

In the same way, perhaps her self-sabatoge might just be a lack of the foundation of trust in a relationship. You never built it, how can you expect it to be there? How do you build it? Calling when you say you will, being on time, keeping your word, carrying out promises. Things like the gas can incident may be an indication of how you never inconvenience yourself for her. Yes, her daughter seems like an ungrateful brat, but do you chronically turn your ex down when she needs you? So maybe it's not JUST a gas can?

Anyways, that's just a perspective. If there're isolated incidents, then that's that. And I will say that sometimes you do more harm than good when you try and help a person. Break up and staying broken up might be the best thing that's ever happened to her. If she thinks you're worth the effort, she'll get her act together for your sake. However, judging from your last two posts, you're pretty much deadset on finding any reason to get back together.




Edited 8/28/2007 9:54 am ET by unicornssong
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 10:34am

Hi Don

Your best bet is to not contact her and let her be. Maybe she will figure out what's wrong, maybe she won't. Some of what you have said in all the posts comes close to my last relationship, on both sides. Sometimes, we both felt like we were walking on egg shells. The fights were mostly about nothing, or small things, which shouldn't be fights.
Just hang in there, work on doing things for you, and when you are ready the right person will come along. I know you love her and feel like 3 1/2 years is a long time. I was together for 4 years and, sometimes, I still wonder why it's over, but then I come to my senses and understand why it's over.

She actually called me twice yesterday, and emailed me once. My daughter and her daughter became like sisters, when we lived together, and so her daughter slept over Sunday. She called in the morning to ask when to pick her daughter up, but I am pretty sure she already knew the answer. Then she called back again to talk about the kids new school schedule. I just did small talk, as I really don't want to take the chance of us getting back together, and then a year down the road, she breaks up with me again.

Anyway, just do a no contact and stay away from her for a while...see what happens.

Rob

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 12:28pm
of course I told her about the people calling when she called and I also told her the reason for me taking the test on a thursday was so we could be together on the weekend without any interuptions because I usually take those test on a saturday. we live very close and if she came over to my place that night , that would be ok and I would be at hers all weekend. I also told her so what, like ok no big deal I will see you tommorow it wasnt as if we had plans to go anywhere and yes I know to her that was a plan for her but I go to bed at 10 and we could be together all weekend. And no , i never stood her up we were always together they way we liked it. No I do not turn her down when she needs me I feel that I am always there for her, maybe to her she thinks differently but I can assure I am there. I do many things for her and try to help in any way I can, whether by offering advice, repairs , whatever the case calls for. but why should I feel guilty if I dont do 1 thing , to me the person must realize that when my friends call to talk about problems I just cant blow them off, so I lost track of time. I think if you reread the post you will see that I did tell her they called and about a resolution to the problem. This is the problem I am currently discussing with someone on this site , to me it was to argue , when it was a very solvable situation by some suggestions I MADE. OR SHE COULD HAVE ALSO SAID WELL GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND TAKE A SHOWER HERE. LOL
DON


Edited 8/28/2007 6:39 pm ET by topgun923
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 6:40pm
BUMP.