post-break up denial

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
post-break up denial
3
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 9:22am

Well, I knew it would happen that one day I would wake up and realize that he truly isn't coming back. Today's the day and it hurts like h--l, like I'm going through the break up all over again.

I broke up with my bf of 4 yrs almost 2 months ago (he wouldn't commit, but I still love him). We lived together and he moved out. He's been back a few weekends to pack up his stuff and cart it off but there's still a lot of stuff in the basement. Seeing him has been really tough and very surreal. The last time he was up he brought me a movie he thought I would like, Photoshop for my computer, fixed my grill, refilled my propane tank, bought groceries for the grill and cooked me an awesome dinner. We fell right back in to "playing house" like before. I admit, I have had a couple moments of weakness with him, he initiated EVERYTHING, but I didn't resist.

Since he moved out, he's been contacting me once a week, under the pretense of arranging a conveinent time to pick up more stuff, but of course he ends up telling me all the things going on in his life. In the time we've been apart, he's been the one initiating all contact. Over the past couple weeks, his text/email messages have gotten very chatty and have been about stupid stuff (ex. he sent me a flyer from the local scuba shop, txt me about the hockey team winning, asked about my Easter plans). All these little things gave me false hope that he was trying to figure out a way for us to talk about our relationship, because he wasn't letting go. He sent me a txt on Monday after he got back from visiting his family for his niece's christening (I had been invited too) asking about my weekend. Of course my mind starts reeling, wondering if he finally told his family about the break up and they gave him a hard time (they LOVE me) or that being around his family and the babies he's rethinking his commitment issues or that he missed me. Fast forward to yesterday, he called at 8:30am when I was on my way to work, he took the day off. Again, he was chatty, didn't bring up coming to get stuff and asked about my weekend plans was surprised I was going into work already.

Because I've been living in my little fantasy world, I started thinking that he was looking for an invitation to come up, it was a beautiful day yesterday and he wanted to hang out with me. I was feeling pretty good all day with this fantasy. It wasn't until last night when I thinking about the conversation that I realized he probably wasn't looking to spend time with me. He was probably trying to find a time to get the rest of his stuff without coming out and saying it (who knows, this could be a fantasy too). So all of the chatty emails and text messages he had been sending over the past couple weeks that have been completely unnecessary have been his way of keeping the lines of communication open???? All his contact gave me false hope that he was having a change of heart about commitment. I know I should have demanded no contact, but with the unfinished business of his stuff in the basement, I really couldn't.

Boy, have I been stupid. I've been living in denial. I've know it, have talked to friends and my therapist about it, but just couldn't resolve it. Waking up this morning, I started realizing that he's never coming back. The fantasy world is evaporating. I was riding so high yesterday thinking that he wanted to spend time together, only to realize that probably wasn't what it was about at all. I chose to hear what I heard. Our two months apart and I feel like I have to start the grieving process all over.

Thanks for letting me vent. i just needed someplace to put all of this.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 12:50pm

I know, that moment the blinders start to fall off is very, very difficult. But it's a necessary part of the process.

You did what you did...no use beating yourself up about it. Learn what you can from it, and move on.

Now would be a good time to redraw the boundaries with your ex. Give him a specific date or two to come get the rest of his stuff out and either don't be there, or have a friend come over. Stay away from personal chitchat...things like that. Make it clear to him that unless he has changed his mind and is ready to commit 110% percent to you, that you need to keep contact to a minimum and only on the topic of him getting his stuff.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 11:11pm

As I read the beginning of your post I thought for a second that maybe I had written the post and forgot that I had written it. My boyfriend and I also broke up 2 months ago after 4 years of dating. I too was very close to his family and they were just as fond of me as I was of them. Like you, I constantly think that perhaps his family will convince him that he made a stupid decision...but as you can predict they have not as of yet (and probably won't be able to). Although my ex and I didn't live together we shared a car and continue to share a car (this works out because I need it for work and he does not) so when he needs it he'll contact me. We don't however use the car as an excuse to communicate, as we have chosen to remain friends so we call one another to see how the other is doing. But, the car has been our excuse (well his) to see one another and when we have we too have been weak.

So as you can imagine between our communication (initiated by both him and I) along with our moments of intimacy I have fantazied that we too would get back together. I have had those bad days were I am constantly saying "I can't believe I'm here" and crying all day. But I've also had good days were I can say "I can deal with whatever the future brings". I know I'm not much help as I'm pretty much in the same boat as you, but know that I feel your pain.

I hope tomorrow will be better a day for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 9:41am

Thanks for your post. Its so comforting to know that someone else understands all the millions of things I'm feeling (although I'm sad you have to go through this too :)). I don't berate myself for our moments of intimacy. We were together for 4 years and lived together for most of that time, so to go from daily companionship/emotional intimacy to nothing is extremely difficult and I consider it all part of the transitional process.

I broke up with him, not because we weren't deeply in love with each other, but because he wasn't sure if he could commit til death do we part (with me or anyone, his first marriage failed). That makes it extra tough because we both still love each other and enjoy being with each other, so when I see him its like we're "playing house". I don't expect that his family will have any influence over him, he knows what's in his heart and his mind and only he can change that if he chooses too. I know I made the right decision for me and what I want for my future.

I've decided that I need to take control of the situation by removing his excuse for getting in touch with me and asking him directly which day next weekend he wants to get the rest of his stuff. Although most of his contact over the past couple of weeks hasn't been about getting his stuff at all, its the only way that I will know if he's maintaining communication because of that or because of me. If the stuff is gone, the reason to contact me will also be gone. The hardest part for me is giving up that little flame of hope that after some soul searching he'll figure out that he truly wants a commitment with me. Baby steps!

I'm actually having more good days than bad days. My friends have been a wonderful support. Every few days I still get that kick in the gut when I am reminded of him, but I don't have to run to the bathroom at work to cry my eyes out anymore.

I know for me, having constant contact with him gets very confusing for me. I don't know how you do it.

Thanks again for your post.