pregnant and dumped
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| Fri, 08-17-2007 - 8:53am |
Im so so sorry but please could you take time out to read this, thank you. I really need some advice from people that I do not know........
I have been with my boyfriend (ex) for 8 years, things were good, we got on well and I thought this was the man I would be with forever (im 27 and he is 30). Anyway 5 years ago we started trying for a family and unfortuently I had 2 miscarriages that left us both broken hearted, so after the second one we decided to leave it for the time being and just enjoy our lives and have some fun for a few years (holidays, nights out etc).
Things were going fine up until Feb 2006 and we started arguing a bit mainly over me going on that we should prehaps start growing up a little and wanting to start settling down. We had w really rocky couple of months and then my partner left me in May 2006, I was devastated. Anyway I tried to pick up the pieces and had a little bit of a breakdown as I found out in June 2006 that my partner had met someone else and they were getting married, yep in just a month or so they were getting married, I dont know how I got through the next couple of weeks and then came the biggest blow, she got pregnant. I was just in pieces, Ihonestly can not remember how I got through that time.
Anyway in the August my ex started contacting me saying how he had made the biggest mistake of his life and how he wanted me back and he didnt want to get married he even went as far to say he did not think the unborn child was his, anyway I started falling for all this and he broke of with the girl and I took him back, but I said he must stand by his unborn child if it is his. I took a lot of grief from the other girl calling me a family wrecker, I also found out she was deperate for another child, and I thought my ex maybe was just in the wrong place and the wrong time (stupidly blind of me). Anyway we got back together and things were fine, the baby was born this year and I told him to go and see it, but the girl would not let him see the child unless he finished with me, so in April 2007 he finished with me again saying he needs to see his child so he cant see me no more, again he left me broken hearted.
The girl caused me grief again saying things like im not a real women as I cant even carry my children (my ex told her about the misscarriages), it really upset me. A week later my ex wants to come back and yes I take him back. The girl stops him seeing his child but constantly on his case about getting back with him, we kind of got through it and my ex wanted to try and start a family with me, and in June of this year I found out I was pregnant, we were over the moon but so scared too.
Anyway my ex started going out all the time and not getting in til early hours (i know girls were not involved, just drinking and his mates), I asked him to stay in with me and help me through this pregnancy, this pee'd him off and he used to cause rows all the time, I tried so hard not to get stressed out for the babies sake. The other girl was giving us hassle too, but then she started going out with another fella, all of a sudden my ex took offence to this saying that the other man better not try and be a father to his son (how can he have the cheek to say this).
Anyway in July my ex left me and said we just should not be together, its been a blur since then. The one thing we wanted was a child and now we had the chance, he never asked about my scans or anything, thankfully im 14 weeks pregnant and never got this far before, but I have now since found out that he is allowed to see his son coz he is not with me anymore and he is basically at the other girls beck and call. They are not together (I dont think). I had not heard anything from my ex until a week ago when asked me if I had been saying stuff about him as the other girl would not let him see his child again as i had been saying stuff and I swore on my unborn childs life I had not said a thing (which is the truth), anyway he ended coming round my house and he tried it on with me but I said no, he made an excuse and left and I have not heard from him since, so obviosly he tried to use me.
Why is he playing these games with me and why am I being giving grief from the other girl, im trying to leave them alone but I still get accussed of saying things. I really do love my ex, God only knows why, but he is treating me so mean, he never asks how im doing , he never calls or anything, instaed he is out having fun with his friends, he dont ever answering my texts and he is playing the doting Dad to his son that he didnt even care about. Please please dont think I thnk that is a bad thing because I dont, it just hurts that I was going to stand by him and help him and get to know his son, but its all been chucked in my face. I just need some outside advice. Im sorry if this is too long.
I would be grateful for any advice please

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I'm actually trying hard not to cry after reading that.. and I tell you this because my mother was almost in the exact same position as you were. I'm 18 now. I can tell you right now... that the best thing you can do with your position is to stop all contact with the father of your child. The problem my mother had, however, was that she never explained to me why my father was never there. Instead, I had to hear her friends say, "you're fathers a bad man, forget about him." I was at least 5 at that time and it actually made me resent my mother mainly because she never told me exactly why he was a bad person... I grew up thinking that her friends were just mean people when in fact, they really loved my mother. I appreciate my mother so much... she means the world to me and would give my life to her. I've dedicated my life and aspirations for her because she has sacrificed so much for me and I don't want to burden her anymore than I have to. She has given me the best life possible even though she's only a single-parent. Trust me... your child won't appreciate or understand what's happening now.. but when he's older, he'll give you the highest respect and love any child can give to their mother. I understand that it's hard being a single parent. My mother had two jobs while I was growing up and I hardly ever saw her. I stayed with my grandmother during the day and my mother would pick me up 10 or 11 oclock at night to bring me home with her.. and then we'd go our separate ways again early in the morning when school started. I resented her for never being there, for never paying attention to me... but i've realized now, all the material possessions and the level of education i have was because she worked hard to make me happy and successful. In fact, before one of my birthday's when i was younger, she had bought a house (her first house) just to have my birthday party. She did her best to support me.. all i can say is please don't work yourself so hard that your child will feel neglected and all alone.. always express your love when you can. Spend time with him. And I promise you, one day he'll realize you're the only true best friend he has. .
God bless you. I know from experience, that things get worse before they get better. My mother's remarried, she's finishing up her schooling, she lives a luxurious life, and she's blessed with a daughter that loves her to no end.
I'm leaving for college tomorrow. And I know she's extremely saddened... I'm going to do my best to make her proud.
Please stay strong. I already know you're a very patient and amazingly resilient woman... don't let this man ruin your life because you have so much going for you.. and your child needs you.
Oh my God what an absolutely lovely reply and your only 18 (dont take offence), you sound like a really lovely young girl and the love you have for your Mum really gives me hope. I have always said I would let my ex she his child as its not the childs fault but at the moment he is being really mean to me. You would never think we had spent 8 years together and that im carrying his child, the way he speaks to me (and thats not often) is like im scum to him! It really hurts, all I have ever done is love him.
You know he is out partying having fun and he knows I can not go out as im pregnant. Once the baby is born I just feel he will hassle me. When we broke up before and he was with that other girl I let him get on with it and tried so hard to get on with my life, I went out with my friends and one night he was out with "her" and I was talking (just talking) to some other man and my ex flew for this other man as he was talking to me. You see he is allowed to get on with his life but I am not. He is well known in our town and no one will ever come near me because of what he will do. He does not want me but he dont want anyone else to have me. He is so unfair.
Well enough of my waffling on, I hope you never get into a situation like this, I was your age when I met my ex. Although I will not ever regret meeting him (yes I do still love him) I would have never have gone back to him knowing what I know now, atleast I will have a child from all this.
Good luck at college and enjoy yourself! I bet your Mum is so so so proud of you
Take care and thank you
Jodie x
After reading your story i couldnt help but connect with you on the striking similarities of my own story. As i was reading what you had written i felt compeled to write this to you so you dont feel alone in all of this. Firstly i'd like to say that what you are doing is the bravest thing a woman can do alone and in time you will become stronger than what you may be feeling now. I know this as i am Pregnant with my first child also. And my partner whom i was engaged to for three years left me.
At first when we found out that i was pregnant he was so over the moon. We were happy going to scans, feeling my belly and getting excited over what names to call our baby. But then when was 14 weeks into my pregnancy he started getting more and more distant. He started going out more and more with his friends and leaving me at home alone. And the time we did spend together he would be too busy either on the internet or cleaning or something to spend any quality time with me. Or even go out with me. I felt so neglected. And then the excuses started arriving. First it was the fact that he needed to go out heaps so that he could dedicate his life to baby when he arrived. After that he started Tai Chi lessons at night and made other excuses like the fact that work was consuming too much of his time to be with me.
At this stage my life was like hell, as we werent living together the more time we spent apart the more i knew he was going to leave me. And then other things like finding long blonde hairs in his bed when mine is brunette made me go crazy. When i confronted him he told me that it was from washing his sheets at the laundrymat. He always had an excuse. I decided just to get on with my life and leave him to his, thinking that he would come back to me if he loved me and our baby so much. He didnt.
After a month of texting him and getting no replys, no how are you's and how is our baby or even a phone call i decided to call him at work. By this time i was a wreck, i tried to keep as calm as possible but it all came out. During that call he put me on hold several times saying that he had customers. And then finally after being on hold for what seemed like half an hour he told me that i should move on... and then it came out that he had moved on and was with someone else. And that he didnt want anything to do with the baby and that i wanted "it" (his term for our little boy) more. I was in shock and then it hit me i was relying on a man i didnt even know!
The thought of loosing my rock who i thought was my partner for the birth and everything. This made life so unbearable i kept crying and even the smallest things would set it off like watching a movie with a really good father character in it. I was so upset at the thought that my son would not have a father in his life. And the treatment i recieved from my partner he didnt even love me in the first place. I was devastated, feeling vunerable and so alone.
That was several weeks ago now and now i feel have gotten stronger, even though i still hurt about the way he treated me. Stringing me along for so long And also the fact that he doesnt want anything to do with our baby. But whats important for me now is that i am a strong, independant mother for my baby. I'm putting all my focus on the baby and the birth which is healing in itself. I do have my off days but i think thats the days that you should go out and be with your friends or family or as i found out sometimes when you just want to be alone rent some movies and watch that. And know that you arent alone as you have a little one in your belly who is feeling your every emotion. Deep breathing helps.
I dont hate my ex either after all he gave me the greatest gift i could've gotten from him. And regardless of weither he wants to be in his sons life i know that he will get all the love and attention he needs from most of all me.
Good Luck!! and i know you can do it!
Shareen.
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