Put Me Through Hell and Back Now Has Changed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Put Me Through Hell and Back Now Has Changed?
5
Sun, 10-13-2013 - 4:09pm

Tell ya what, he has put me through hell and back....He lied about everything from the beginning.  Right down to saying he was divorced.  We was 3 months into the relationship, and he failed to mention that he had 5 kids!  He invited me over to his house.  I seen all of these kids running around, and I said who are all of these kids?  He said their mine do you have a problem with that?  Of course I didn't have a problem, but I think that was the wrong way to find out.  He said he wanted to make sure he hooked me before he told me that otherwise, he thought that I wouldn't accept all 5 of his kids!

We've been in this relationship for a little over 12 years, he was still living with his wife, and they was still living as a married couple...For six years he went back and forth between me and her...Finally he did stop seeing her...and has been with me every since.  Later she told me that they was having an open relationship at the time.  I didn;t find that out until 6 years later.  Also didn't find out they was still married until 6 years down the road! She even toldme that they was divorced, he had her lying to me as well...Don't know how he pulled that off....

Evertime he would get a chance he would take off, saying he was off on business, or make up some kind of excuse.  Come to find out he was paying for a motel room for her, and his kids.  THe thing is if he would've told me, I would have understand since he didn't want his children homeless.  I never gave him any indication, that I didn't want his kids.  So I felt bad for her because she was homeless, and let her move in with the kids.  She sort of sweetened her way in.  Then she would try behing my back, to get his attention, dressin provacatively, trying to make him jealous going out with other guys.  It worked too.  Then 1 time I was in the hospital getting E.C.T. treaments for depression, come to find out she stayed the night.  They didn't do anything I know this for a fact, it was because the kids missed her and wanted to spend time with her.  He did tell her to leave, but she waited until he was asleep and stayed anyway.  I heard him confront her over the phone, and she said you asked me to stay.  I really believe she lied to start a fight between us.

She acted so innocent, that she had me believing her, until someone she worked with, told me that she would sleep with anyone.  I could hardly believe it she acted so innocent!!

Since his children have been of age, he hasn't tried to mess with her any longer, and he has been loyal to me for about 6 years, some sneaky things, but not as bad as before.  Then his family came back to me and said he told them that I was a nut!  They told me that they thought that he was the nut, and that they thought I was a good woman.  He now goes to therapy, and told me , that he knows he doesn't deserve me, but that he's trying everything he can to ensure that our relationship gets better. 

The thing is, he moved her in next door at one time, and even had me arrested for No Tresspassing, when he invited me over, because all of the sudden through the first six years, he wanted her back and wanted it to look good to her, that he was being serious.  The thing is now he's changed so much, the taking therapy, even finally got us our own place.  My question  is, how can I trust him now after all he's done.  I'm not even sure I care for him anymore.  I'm afraid the minute I start trusting him, that he will go back to his old ways.  Now he does everything for me, constantly making sure I have something to drink, will go out of his way to go to the store for me.  He even takes turns sending my granddaughter off to school.

He even went and bought me a car, I didn't have my licence for about 6 years, but as soon as I got them back he made sure I had a car!  It's like he's really trying to make it up to me.  He keeps saying we need to move forward and forget about the past.  The thing is, is how can I trust this man after everything he has done?  I really don't even know if I can get my feelings back for him...it wouldn't be right to string him along, life is too short.  I'm just soooo confused because of the past.  Any advice?  What would you do?  I love him as a friend, not sure if I can love him the way I used too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Thu, 10-17-2013 - 6:40pm
I guess I just needed someone else to tell me, to make sure I wasn't going to make the wrong decision. I really appreciate all of you all's help. Just needed to hear the truth. By the way he was wanting to move me in the boonies, even my ex pointed out, that the reason he was doing that because he could pretty much treat you any way he wanted. I would have no protection out there at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Thu, 10-17-2013 - 6:34pm

I know you are right, he has lied for years!  After we've broke up several times, and would get back together, he would just go back to his old ways.  That was the time, that I broke it off for 3 months.  He said he was going to NC for business, come to find out, he went there, because his wife was there.  His kids even came and told me that.  They said they was tired of their dad lying to me, and wanted to tell me for years, but didn't want him flipping out on them.  Your right, when he had me arrestred that should have been a wake up call.  He just charmed me back in, and it all would start all over again.   My therapist is telling me to get out as well.  She said I've already wasted 12 years of my life on him and I'm 50 now.  Life is too short.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Thu, 10-17-2013 - 6:25pm
You know what, I think you are exactly right! Wants he gets me back, he will not want me anymore. I agree, that it's just a challenge, because he likes to be in control. He'll do anything he can to be in control to. He actually liked it when I was down and out, and needed him to take me everywhere. At the time I didn't have a vehicle, as soon as he got me one, and I got my license back. He said now you don't need me anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 10-16-2013 - 11:25am

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior!  After all these years, you know very well he will do or say whatever he has to do or say, just to rope you in again!  Leopards don't change their spots!  It's not like ha made one or two little mistakes, he has been lying to you from the first day he met you, and continued to lie for years.  He had you arrested?????  THAT should have been your wakeup call!  Start loving yourself, and realize that you need a decent man who will love you and be honest with you, not a man who has lied to you and played you for years and years.  Stop wasting your life on this loser!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-15-2013 - 10:51am

It does seem by his actions that he has changed, but only you can decide if it's too late.  If you don't have feelings for him any more, it seems like no matter what he does, those feelings aren't going to come back.  Maybe he's one of those guys who likes the challenge.  Now that you aren't into him any more, he's working hard to get you back.  after he gets you back, will he go back to his bad old ways?  who knows?