Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Question
3
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 1:26pm
I have been on this board for a few months now and it has helped me a lot. Hopefully I've been able to support and help a few others as well. One theme I've seen a lot (and experienced myself) is the ex-boyfriend who breaks up with you, then wants to maintain a friendship. Even after we tell them we don't want a friendship (at least now) they keep popping back into our lives, which sets us back in the moving on/healing process. Some people here have told me its for their ego, to be seen as a "nice guy", or to keep us on the back burner, all of which make sense. What I don't understand is why guys do this and girls (typically) don't. I know of so many girls that have been through this, but no guys (and I have a lot of guy friends). Why do you think that is?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
In reply to: purpleshoes2005
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 2:32pm

Not sure if it's more one than the other.... I've seen both sex's take advantage. I think it boils down to being selfish and immature, and not ever taking into consideration the other person's feelings. I know when I have broken it off with someone in love with me, I did try one more time just to see if there was anything there, and when I realized there still wasn't, I ended it. Clean cut, I don't call him, even though I do still care about him. I just know calling gives him false hope and I know all too well that side of it. So... if they willingly call and pop back in with no promises of reconciliation but desperate for friendship.... I believe it's BS and they need to get over themselves.

Grace

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: purpleshoes2005
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 2:52pm

I think it has to do with men being less skilled at empathy (this is a gross generalization of course; there are men out there who have the ability to be empathetic but it's less common than in women). There are just a lot of men who really have trouble not being selfish, and putting themselves in the other person's shoes, and imagining how that person might feel about hearing from the man who broke their heart.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2005
In reply to: purpleshoes2005
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 10:03am
I think you're right about the "nice guy" view that they need to have about themselves. As long as we say we don't hate them, they have the satisfaction of knowing they're not really a bad guy even though they may have treated us badly or broken our hearts. It takes alot for a girl to break things off, alot of the time, so usually at that point, we've seen a side of the guy that we wouldn't even want to be friends with (usually selfishness, flakiness, or general meanness) so we're less likely to do something like that. It is a generalization to lump all of a gender in one category, but in what I've seen, guys do, for the most part, tend to be the ones that want a friendship after a break up, so it's understandable your confusion - I have it too - and from what I've seen and experienced, that's my take on what's going on and why they seem to pursue the friendship after the break up and why we generally don't.