Question about commitment-phobes

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Question about commitment-phobes
4
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 4:26pm

I was reading over that link I sent someone about commitment-phobia and recognized the man who just broke my heart in it... In the middle stage, he started cheating on her with me. He would go out with me and my friends, hold my hand in public, and do other things that made it seem like he was trying to get caught. When I'd say he was going to get caught he'd say, "It doesn't matter." He wanted her to break up with him. Then I was reading about the end of the relationship, about how if he tries to leave he'll beg for forgiveness because he can't commit to not having her either. So here's my question... not that it matters. He's gone from my life for good. But the question is, now that I've been taken out of the equation, what will happen to his engagement? He used me (although I'm sure he didn't consciously do it) to get out of his relationship but when it almost worked and he was actually out of the house, he went back because he couldn't commit to not being with her. Now he's back with her, we aren't speaking anymore (he hasn't even tried to call and it's been over a week), and I assume they're still engaged, although she told him she'd stop pushing for a wedding if he'd just come home. Will he marry her? They've been living together seven years, she's 30 and wants children and marriage, and she's wearing a ring he bought her because he figured that if they broke up, he could have the car and she could have the ring and it'd be an even split. (Most romantic proposal I've ever heard of!) Would a commitment-phobe EVER get married? Or will he just linger in this limbo state forever???

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 4:55pm

hi steph

i mean for me steph its better stop wondering whats going on with them you have to move on...is this going to make you happy? ofcourse no right? i understand you develop feeling with this person no matter how ugly he is or what so ever!

i'm just concerned about you! how you think you could forget this person if you still curious of what his doing and keep on remembering your past with him.

i know its hard....as a friendly advised his been with that relationship for so long so they know each other...so whatever bullsh...ting their been doing to each other their both used to it. do you understand?

i'm assuming he did this to her several times so shes getting used to it and she never getting tired!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 5:10pm

So have you read that book "Men Who Can't Love?"

Nikki
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 5:28pm

Oh sure, c'phobes get married all the time. Steven Carter talks about it in at least one of his books--I can't remember if it's in MWCL or in He's Scared, She's Scared (or both).

But that doesn't mean he's committed to the marriage. He'll almost certainly cheat on her.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 10:51am

I do plan to buy Men Who Can't Love, probably this weekend. I'm reading "Face It: You're Just Not That Into Him Either" for the second time! There's a whole part in there toward the end about this woman who waited around for a man for years and when she finally let go, she was able to find love. I didn't recognize his commitment-phobia because it wasn't directed at me. I was his rescue (although temporary) from it. But now that I've witnessed it, I'm terrified to fall for someone like that and I want to know what the warning signs are, so hopefully the book will help.

I know I need to let go and I'm working on that. But it does make me feel better to know it wouldn't have worked out anyway. Knowing if he had chosen me and we'd gotten together he would have done the same thing to me that he did to her, makes a world of difference. For so long I convinced myself that the crap he was feeding me (he never really felt about her like he should, his feelings for her were nothing like what he was feeling for me, blah, blah, blah) was real. I thought that his 7-year relationship was a bad one and what we had was "special" and would last forever. I've been working on letting go of him almost since the day I met him but until I saw the truth about him, I never really could completely. It's all part of the healing process for me...

Steph