Question? For all men & women

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Question? For all men & women
4
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 10:46am
Hi all I am new to this board and have visited the message boards before. Here is my dillema. I am married have been for many years with two kids who are mature enough to do for them selves. My marriage to my husband has always been a rough one always some kind of bumps along the way. My husband is a great person a fairly good dad but he loves his beer and refuses to give it up for anyone including his family and I am fed up with it. He works a four day work week and has three days off he is home the majority of the time in the evening with us but also must have his beer in hand in order to be able to relax in his words and that is my problem I think since he drinks everyday he is an alcoholic he sees it as a way to relax and something he likes to do everyday. I am tired of what comes with his daily drinking, snoring being rude and obnoxious due to him being a little drunk as he says. He has had a couple of mishaps with the law but since he works in law enforcement he has managed to get out of what ever happend. He also loves to be at the bar with his buddies and sees nothing wrong with going out with his buddies to hang out at the bar and have a couple. I would be able to accept that also if it was just a couple but he does not know his limits he will drive drunk and pay the consequences later what ever they be. I have begged pleaded and threatened left, made him leave and come back and nothing ever changed. He has no drinking problem and refuses to realize it. I love him but I do not want to live my life this way and he says he is not willing to stop drinking. He say if he wants to go to the bar and watch football with the guys and drink then that should be okay. It would be if he wasn't so irresponsible and have a few too many and drink and drive. See he doesn't know his limit at all. He says he doesn but he doesn't at all. I worry constantly if he is going to kill someone or is he going to be killed driving home? It is not fair to me to worry about a grown man. I love him but I feel he loves his liquor more. I am actually jealous of his drinking because I feel neglected that he spends more time with the bottle than with me. He says he needs his space and that is okay too but gee do you need to drink so much his extra time or things he likes to do only involves his liquor. I some times feel its me and I am the one with the problem? Opinions please I have a very low selfesteem because I have always felt second best to a bottle. Like I am not good enough to stop drinking for. THANKS IN ADVANCE. They say they will hit rock bottom before they change well he has and it seems not to matter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 12:51pm

Wow, your post could have been written by my best friend. Very similar issues and her husband is 43 years old! The only advice I can offer is the same I have given her:

You need to start taking care of yourself and stop worrying about him. He is not going to change and your only option is to accept the way things are with him. Then you need to ask yourself if this is really how you want to spend the rest of your life. Focus on your needs apart from him. If he wasn't in the picture, what would you be doing to make your life happier and more enriching? If you haven't done so alreay, I would suggest that you check out Alanon. It won't change him, but it will put the focus on you and hopefully provide you with the tools you need to survive. No amount of love, understanding, patience, and forgiveness will make him change unless HE wants to. And from your post, he is quite content with the way his life is conducted. Sorry for your pain, take care.

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 3:43pm

First off let me say that I am really sorry about your situation. Your husband is an alcoholic and alcoholism is a really terrible disease. Unfortunately, alcoholism can only be cured if the person who has it wants to be cured, and usually, that is the biggest problem.

You are correct, alcoholics usually will not change until they have absolutely hit rock bottom. You say your husband has reached this point, but clearly he hasn't because he still has you. There are alcoholics in my family, and trust me, they do not change until they have allowed their alcoholism to alienate them from absolutely every friend and family member they have. My honest opinion is that your husband does not want to change and he sees no reason to do so because he still has you as well as plenty of other friends in his life. He will not get better or want to change until he truly has hit rock bottom and realizes that his alcoholism has really ruined his life... then MAYBE he will consider changing.

The other poster is right, you need to start putting yourself first and taking care of yourself. Stop worrying about your husband; he is not going to change. Whether or not you are thinking about ending your marriage, I think you should see a counselor therapist so you can talk to someone about your self-esteem. You deserve better than what your husband has given you, and it is time that you realize that. I know it's easier to say you should stop worring about your husband than it is to actually do it, but you should really try and put yourself first. There are so many better things you can do with your time, and so many other people out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Anyway, I know how hard this is. Alcoholism is a really scary and horrible thing; however, if there is anything I have learned from the alcoholics in my family it is that you cannot help someone who does not want to help them self. Really the only thing you can do is get away from this person and work on improving your life. An alcoholic does not see the world they way that we do; they usually have very deep problems which they are trying desperately to cover up with alcohol. An alcoholic does not see how much they are missing out on by being drunk all the time. It is incredibly sad and difficult for them and everyone around them; but usually, the best thing you can do is walk away and give them a chance to really hit rock bottom and change.

You are absolutely not crazy for thinking that your husband's drinking is a problem. Unfortunately it is a problem that you cannot solve for him. He will have to do it on his own. What you can do is talk to a counselor or therapist and work past your own self-esteem issues and use your energy to make your own life better! You can do it! I hope this helps you a little!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 7:40pm

I would get yourself to Alanon ASAP!!!

As someone in recovery, I can tell you that nothing YOU do will get him to stop...it has to come from him. Alanon will help you deal with living with an alcoholic...and once you've stabilized your feelings through the program, you can make an informed decision about whether to stay or go.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 9:34pm
Sounds like this is a serious struggle and it's obvious why. It's probably not what you signed up for when you married him. Are you financially dependent upon him? If not, then I would think about striking out on your own. Life is too short to live in the prison that you are in right now- a prison of misery, doubt and shame. You are second to his addiction because addicts are selfish- they crave their substance of choice to such a degree that they lose sight of other peoples' needs. Your husband is one of the difficult types of alcoholics- the "functioning" alcoholics. They are able to hold jobs, kind of maintain relationships, etc. My brother is one of these. He has gained tons of weight, is destroying his liver and just because he manages to keep things together, he just flies under the radar. Sounds like your husband is functioning but you are right that he is likely headed for a crash one of these days. Do you want to be there to watch it? Do you want to be there to possibly be taken down by it?
I take marriage and commitment seriously but when you took your vows you committed to a person, not an addiction. If you are not ready for divorce, then separation is a choice as well. Or you can continue as it is, accepting the situation and go on in misery with a husband who is unable and unwilling to deliver the goods for the woman he vowed to love and cherish. He's doing neither.