A question for Milton

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
A question for Milton
14
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 4:13am
I’m asking you specifically because our situations are similar in many ways. Before you answer the question think carefully about the following: you initiated the breakup, it’s the second time you’ve parted ways, you’ve accomplished a lot without this man, you still think about him lots (you're still not 100% over him), you’ve been intimate with someone else, you haven’t spoken to him in weeks, you are a very insightful woman who has great perspective on your emotions, you have the “voodoo” and there was at least one thing about him you weren’t willing to tolerate. So if he were to call you today to reconcile, what would say to him?

CB

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 2:23pm
Hm, put me on the spot. Well, I have to say that if he called me today (or tomorrow, it would have been our anniversary) and said "hey, baby, let's give it another try," I think I'd have to say "not a chance." He hurt me badly with his non-response to my brush with cancer, and I'm doing just fine these days without him.

But, and this is a big "but" and one that may be especially relevant for you, CB - I have a deep and abiding faith in people's capacity for change, for learning and growth. You, CB, are perfect evidence of it, as many on this board have pointed out with respect to your prior post. Self-awareness and maturity can actually lead to change and growth. You can learn lessons. I know that some people are content to be ignorant, selfish, abusive, whatever. But I honestly believe that most people, if they have the will and the self-awareness, are capable of change. And you often must make mistakes to learn from them. I think that each of us *has* changed and grown and developed the wisdom and the maturity not to make certain mistakes in relationships, and, more importantly, learned to change our assumptions and our limited perspectives that lead to relationship disaster. Maybe we learn to understand that communication is imperative, that no matter how much your SO loves and understands you, he/she can't read your mind. Maybe we learn that people are frail and flawed, trying to do the best they can with the limited tools at their disposal, and will make mistakes, that you love the whole messy package of a person and recognize that you will never find Mr./Ms. Perfect. I know that I have learned from the past, from my mistakes, and I hope I have become a better person. I'm not so arrogant as to believe that I'm the only one capable of it, to assume that my ex does not have the capacity to learn and grow and change as well. That's why I find it hard to accept that a person has a certain set of behaviors and values and abilities, and will never be anything more than they are today (or on the day the relationship ended). I do know that you shouldn't make a project out of changing people, shouldn't assume that they will change. That's why, when my ex selfishly refused to get involved in my cancer scare, continued to press his selfish needs on me and refused to listen to me when I told him what I needed and how he was hurting me, I had the strength to end it, to reject the person he was at that time. But that doesn't mean that I think he will be a selfish and immature jerk for life. Just that I couldn't stick around while he was being that way.

Maybe it's that I have a reluctance to write off any person, particularly someone I have deeply loved. The fact is, I don't *need* my ex. I am carrying on my life quite well without him, I am a whole and complete person on my own, capable of meeting most of my needs, capable of enjoying life to the fullest whether I'm single or coupled. But I do love him, found an intellectual, emotional, and physical connection with him that was deeper than any I've ever shared. Yes, I wish that he would call me, wiser and smarter and aware of how his conduct hurt me. I think I've said this in a prior post - I don't ever want to hear again from the man that I left. I wish I could hear from a newer, wiser, more self-aware version of that man. And I actually believe he is capable of becoming a better man, in fact hoped that the breakup would shock him to awareness of how he had been behaving. Now, it's possible he'll never feel motivated to change. Maybe he's taken the same sadness and regret that you and I feel at the end of a relationship, and he's turned it to bitterness or aggressively forgetting it ever happened, and he's determined and content to stay the same person I left. But, maybe, he's become a little wiser as well as heartsore, and maybe he is capable of being more. Maybe, unfortunately, he'll be that more mature, self-aware man with another woman, and there's nothing I can do about that.

Now, I am getting on with my life, seeing other people, whatever. But that doesn't mean that I won't always love my ex. I certainly don't have 1/10th the feeling for anyone I've met that I had for my ex. Right now, I'm killing time, I'm taking concrete steps to move toward love and trust again, but the fact that I'm seeing someone or just dating around, that doesn't mean that I am completely unreceptive to my ex. I wouldn't foolishly run back to his arms simply because he asked. But, under the right circumstances, if he really seemed to have changed, to be aware, to be "better" in the ways I needed him to be, then I'd probably cautiously give it a try. Make no mistake, I'm not waiting around to hear from him. I am working through my feelings of loss and betrayal that the breakup caused in me, and I think it is a process of time to move from loving someone very deeply to admitting that they betrayed your trust. So, I think that "getting over it" and "moving on" is a process, not an event, and one that takes time the deeper were your feelings. I had a true, intense love for my ex, it takes longer to move away from and forget that than it does to fall into love in the first place. But I am protecting myself, living my life, not hanging on to him, but I am ever an optimist and maybe I'll never totally let go of hope that he could be the man I thought he was.

But back to you, CB. Send your ex a letter setting forth basically what you told all of us about what you've realized, how you're changing. Even if it does not result in her coming back to you, I think it would be a good thing for you and for her. She inspired you to be a better man. The loss of her has changed you in positive ways. I can't tell you how much an apology from my ex would mean to me, even if it didn't lead to reconciliation, even if it was just offered for me, in recognition of the deep love we'd had for each other, because he never meant to hurt me. I think it would be a healing thing and help me think back fondly on the relationship, even if we couldn't be together again. I think you should offer your ex much the same, for her benefit and for yours. If you're looking for assurances that you can make any number of big mistakes and still be taken back, well, I can't give those to you. But some people are mature and wise enough to recognize that we do make mistakes, that we struggle along trying to do our best with very limited skills and wisdom, and can recognize honest contrition, self-awareness, and fundamental change when they see it. So, send her a letter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 4:38pm
I just have to say what an incredible post that was. Those are my feelings exactly, but I could never put them to words especially as eloquently as that. You are a true inspiration to us all!

Thank you for being you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 8:56pm
I know this post was for Milton, but I can't help but think after all I read that you have changed alot. Change is sometimes very diffiuclt to go through- it is turbulent and it affects people we care about deeply. We often hurt those we care about the most in ways we later regret. BUt yet I think we all have a great capacity for forgiveness- especially when someone comes back in a non-threatening, non-demanding way...offering their heart and soul and being willing to accept responsibility, learn from it and grow. That does not mean that you will not make mistakes again-- because you will. No one is perfect-- and I would sure hate to be with anyone who was perfect. Seeing the good in the other, loving them in some sense in spite of themselves, caring enough to look past the insecurites and try to see the real person and bring that person out-- that is what loving someone means.

So what can you do at this point- you have to follow your heart. You have so much to give and taking such a chance is surely worth it. There are no guarantees in life, and you may be rejected...but isn't what you could gain so much more than you could lose. Sure it would have been nice not to be in this position-- but you are...and you have the chance to change the path you have taken. So I think you should write down your thoughts and send the letter.

I hope all goes well. You are an amazing man with so much to offer and you are just human...you make mistakes like the rest of us.

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 1:47pm
Well you hit the nail on the head when you said change is difficult. Like I said in a previous post, fear ruled my emotions and made me act irrationlly and perceive things that just weren't there. I have made a major advancement in just discovering this and accepting this to be true. After this revelation I was suddenly aware of other areas of my life where fear ruled out over common sense and logic. And I've taken steps to eliminate fear from my life, at least the unhealthy kind. But in no way am I completely over this and it is primarily because of this I can't fathom the possibility of asking her to come back to me, not after all this time. I am convinved she hates me for what I've done and probably thinks of me as a total waste of time in her life and she regrets having spent one so much time with me to begin with. Again, I have no evidence for any of this other than a gut feeling. But it's probably accurate. I'd love to be a pillar of strength and do what you suggest but at this point there is just no way I'm strong enough. So in a kind of circular logic, what got me to this point in the first place will keep me from knowing for sure. Guess I still have a lot of work to do.

CB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 1:58pm
Whether or not you ask her to get back together with you, I still think you should apology and explain why you behaved as you did. When you realize that you have hurt someone you loved, and why, I think you owe them an apology. Even if it's just for her and for her closure, I think you should do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 2:08pm
Really? You know I'm not the type of man who can't say I'm sorry. I was extrememly apologetic to her even when I was with her and in the midst of a huge fight. When I left I was extremely remorseful and I knew what I was doing was ripping her apart. Guilt is another emotion that's prominent in my life but I have never been afraid to apologize when I know I'm wrong. I even say I'm sorry when it is unwarrented. I will have to think about this and be mindful of what's preventing me from doing it. I'll probably need your help so don't go far :-)

CB

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 5:32pm
Ok I've given it some thought and here's why I'm very reluctant to do it. Truthfully I am still emotionally attached to this woman. Because of this, there would a lot of extraneous emotion attached to this apology letter. First and foremost, there will be a consequence to sending it, no matter what happens. She'll either respond to it, which will not be the best thing for me right now, no matter what she says to me, or she'll ignore it, which will be hurtful even if I tell her in the letter not to respond in any way. You see, and this is absolutley silly, I just couldn't write it in an unbiased manner because I'd want her to see things in me that would make her have second thoughts about wanting to come back. I wouldn't fabricate anything but I just don't think I can write an unselfish apology letter right now, even though I understand exactly why you said I should. I would like nothing more than to make sure she knows how sorry I am and that she didn't deserve to feel a shred of pain or guilt because of my foolish ways. I still love her and miss her and it really does break my heart to know I've hurt her. I didn't feel this way about any other of my X's so this is particualarly difficult for me. She's no doubt seeing someone new and I know how dedicated she was to me and she's that way with this new guy also. She'd probably curse me and throw the letter in the garbage out of respect for him. I hope at least some of this makes sense.

CB

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 10:18pm
CB

First how can you be so convinced that she hates you. That is not giving her much credit. You should give her the chance to surprise you. Sure she may hate you and that rejection may hurt, but it is better than wondering what she may thinks.

I think there are lots of options that you have. I would first write out the letter and put it away. Read it later and see what it says. You could even post it if you felt comfortable. I guess I would apoligize for what you did and just leave the door open. No one would expect you to write an unbiased letter- but I think you should only speak from how you think and feel. You can't walk in someone else's shoes. I do not think it is fair to tell someone what to do or how to respond or not respond. You can only deal with how you feel and express what you are thinking. You have to allow the other person the freedom to react to this for better or worse.

Whether she is seeing someone new has nothing to do with what happened between you. I think that is the side of you that is afraid of being hurt - of putting yourself on the line. I think you need to forgive yourself and then maybe it will be easier to ask her for forgiveness. Gosh- choosing to let go of the pain and misery is in itself a very uplifting thing to do. So many things happen in our lives and we can either choose to be miserable or choose to be happy. The funny thing is that it takes so much less energy to choose to be happy.

I know you are struggling with what to do right now-- but just don't close the door. She deserves to know that you are sorry and you deserve to forgive yourself too.

tb



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 11:06am
CB,

I have a question for you-- what would you do it she wrote you a letter -- how would you react?

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 6:26pm
If you mean a letter where I didn't know what she was saying, a letter out of the blue, I wouldn't read it. I'd give it to a friend until I'm able to deal with anything it said...like maybe summer of 2008! Just kidding. I need a few more weeks until I'm completely over this, until there is no more emotional connection, until I don't miss her anymore. I have had absolutely no contact for nearly 2 months now and I have no idea what her present situation is. But thinking about it still makes me a little upset, so that's how I know I need more time. And I still love her and miss her. That sucks too.

If you're specifically asking if I'd reconcile, the answer is a resounding no, at least right now. As you know, it was because of my problems and shortcomings that I ended things with her. This has been very difficult to deal with. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I caused her so much pain, for nothing. I'm having difficulty dealing with the fact that I lost someone who loved me and gave me so much of what I needed. I'm scared I may never find that again. I could still be with her if I had realized some important things earlier on. I have made a big promise to myself that will be difficult to keep: I will not be with another woman, my ex or someone new, in a committed way until I deal with my issues that make me run away from loving relationships. I've made progress but I still have a long way to go. For example, I will never become rageful during a fight, ever again! This one is a no brainer and I didn't need any therapy to make a change there. No one will ever take away my personal power again like that. Other things are not so easy to change. Fear is one of those. But I just can't break that promise to myself. Part of building self esteem is making commitments and keeping them, especially ones that you make to yourself. I'd just like, one day, to be able to say I'm sorry, to tell her she was wonderful and she did nothing wrong, to tell her, at that time, I was looking for something no woman could have ever given me.

CB

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