Question for Milton...or anyone....

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Registered: 06-10-2004
Question for Milton...or anyone....
2
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 7:26pm
Here’s my story, and I’d really appreciate any help or support.

We were together 8 years, engaged for the last few of those. Most of our time was spent apart as his work is always overseas, usually two year commitments in third world countries, and he loves it. I spent some extended time with him overseas and he spent some time here in the states, but for the most part seeing each other every couple months, shared vacations and so on. I was never totally happy with that scenario, but tried to deal with it, and was committed to the relationship. We broke up four months ago now, his choice. He said he just wanted to do his own thing, no commitments, no pressure of having to compromise. His “heart wasn’t in it any more.”

To say I was heartbroken is putting it mildly. Let’s just say it has been very, very hard. However for these four months I have kept up NC – no emails, no phone calls, nothing from me. On his part, he has sent me occasional emails and several cards during this time, all progressively (in my opinion) more wistful, as if he was trying to kick the door open…”It was lonely without hearing from me,” “he missed me,” “wished we could have gone on that trip together this summer,” etc.

In the most recent one, he said he missed me and used a pet name that he hasn’t used in a long time. It got to me, and I responded. I just said that if he had thoughts he wanted to share about us, I’d be open to hearing them. No response to that really except to say that he still had feelings for me, but couldn’t keep going through the cycles we’d gone through the last few years. I responded by saying I agreed and repeating that if he had thoughts about us I’d be open to hearing them but didn’t want to fall back into regular patterns of emails, etc., without knowing what each other was feeling. He responds by saying he agrees – we shouldn’t get into familiar patterns or anything else right now, and that he still thinks about me.

Of course I am dashed (again), as I had thought the progression of his messages was that he might be feeling he’d made a mistake. At the same time I’m annoyed at myself for breaking NC. It has been a huge struggle for me the past four months – but I was doing slightly better. Now, I don’t understand what he could be thinking – if he even is thinking. He’s not a cruel person, but has commitment-phobic tendencies. It seems like the minute I did get in touch, he backed off, but it’s possible I don’t understand where he was coming from in the first place. I would be very grateful for any thoughts or suggestions…

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 9:34pm
I have some observations, and some commiseration, but maybe not an answer (kind of the blind leading the blind, you know...).

Okay, what's going on with him. Well, in my experience, there is just something about the "silent treatment" that really gets under one's skin (particularly so with men, in my opinion). The first email/phone message/whatever may have just been impulsive, not prompted by much thought. But your failure to respond is just intriguing, it's like swinging a bat and not connecting with the ball, it just feels incomplete, and it impels some people to just keep trying until they get a response from you. It becomes a sort of mindless chase, you just keep sending messages out there, and because you're basically talking only to the air, you're not even sure if the other person is reading them, so you're maybe more open (or, maybe, more manipulative - trying to figure out what you can say that will provoke a response and complete the circuit, get back the response you're hanging on for). Now, I know whereof I speak. I have done the same. I left my ex (and if you're familiar with the story, you know why), but I had such doubts that I just wanted to forgive him, wanted to work it out, wanted to hear back from him with an apology or something. So, I emailed him. And when he didn't respond, it just provoked this really weird, almost primitive impulse to keep messaging until I got a response. It's almost inexplicable, but it has its own momentum, it is kind of a universal thing. He might, at first, have had some reason for doing it, but doing it soon becomes its own reason, if you get me.

The other observation about him is that it is, of course, absolutely natural to miss the person you spent 8 years with, whose tastes and preferences you know, whose sense of humor enriched your life, with whom you'd planned a future. It is normal to still have feelings for that person, because I don't believe you ever really stop loving someone you've been this serious about, I think you may place a filter of "can't be" over it to keep it contained, but there will always be feelings there. But, here's the thing - feelings are mindless, senseless creatures. And nostalgia is inevitable, but similarly aimless. And the question is - what are you going to *do* about those feelings, if anything? There is a type of person that just likes to marinate in feelings, just shares his/her current emotional barometer, just for the sake of the experience. That is infuriating to people who are more action-oriented, and to people who are looking for meaning. Here's what I'll say - if you had any kind of respect for another person, you wouldn't share your aimless feelings/rememberances with them unless you had some intention of acting on those feelings. But not everyone abides by that courtesy. Some guys, frankly, are just so fascinated by their feelings, they can't help but express whatever's going on, without thought of how it will affect you. Here's the harsh truth - feelings, in themselves, don't mean a damn thing. Actions are what counts. That's a lesson I've learned the hard way, and it applies to all aspects of life. Does it matter that he loves you or misses you? Not one bit, if he's not willing to do anything about it. He's conflicted about the breakup, he's confused about these feelings (my ex, after we broke up the first time, told me he was really surprised that he kept missing me, he expected I'd just be out of sight, out of mind). That's fine, but to him, these pointless episodes of contact may feel like action. It may feel like he's doing something. It may relieve the pressure a bit. You need more than that, obviously. And, frankly, while he may be gearing himself to do something decisive (like whatever it takes to get you back), that's probably not going to happen. He's bored, he's lonely, he's guilty, he's surprised to realize that tearing yourself away from someone you loved for so long leaves a hole in your life. But he probably is not motivated (or imaginative) enough to figure out how to make it all work out. In fact, that's his problem - he wants a smooth and easy life, he didn't expect that leaving you would cause him pain and discomfort, he just wants to feel better, and he's like a baby screaming for attention without knowing what exactly he wants - he just wants his life to be comfortable again, but he doesn't know how that can happen. Honestly, that's the best I can do at psychoanalyzing him, because I don't understand it myself, I can just say I've had some experience with it.

I'm guessing you keyed this to me because you've read about my ex doing something similar. Increasing escalation of contact, followed by a big let down. I'm wondering if I was crazy, too, but I don't think so. Calls, emails, flirting, Friday/Saturday date-like events, him being so excited when I said I'd missed him, etc. Then, the moment I show some enthusiasm for this renewed relationship, whatever it was, he runs like hell. I can't say I understand, but I have seen it, and the results aren't pretty. I think mine was pretty confused about what he wanted, frankly. He had missed me, seemed happy to "hang out," but really uncomfortable when I briefly touched on the fact that I'd been dating, seemed really jealous/possessive, I don't know. I think he wanted to be friends, but somehow still expected I'd be celibate and we'd spend our Friday and Saturday nights chastely getting drunk together, flirting, talking about old times, but not having sex or a relationship. I don't think he had the first clue what he wanted. He just wanted me in his life, but didn't think about how it would work. I'd bet yours is much the same.

Okay, my last observation (sorry for the long post). This one's about you, kid (well, and me). My breakup was the most devastating thing, the end of this relationship has been more traumatic for me than the end of my marriage. And I know that when I was with him, I thought "this is what it all means," the poems, the stupid romance books, this was love and intimacy and the best sex ever and finding someone who challenged me intellectually. I thought this was *it,* he was *the one,* whatever. And I kept throwing myself at a relationship that wasn't working, like a moth battering itself against a window. This relationship showed me this tantalizing image of what having it all would mean, and I wanted that at all costs. I just would not accept that this guy couldn't give that to me, that he was brilliant and funny and sexy and also breathtakingly selfish and immature and capable of astonishing cruelty to me. Here's what I've discovered through this breakup, and it has been a revelation to me - the biggest obstacle to my getting over this and moving on has been me, and my reluctance to let go. I believed this was it, and I believed he was the man I've always wanted. I believed he was a good person, that there must be something I was doing, some unreasonable expectations that I had, that led him to behave as he did. I accepted as absolute truth both that he was Mr. Right and that this was the love I'd been destined for. And believing those things is what caused me so much pain. Letting go of those beliefs is what has set me free.

When I was thinking about divorcing my ex-husband, I read a book about handling your ambivalence at ending a relationship, called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. There's a question in there - if a higher power gave you permission to just give up on your relationship and move on, would that help you make your decision? I think that was it for me with this relationship - I felt like I would be betraying something, the history, the investment, "love" itself, whatever fate brought us together in the first place, something. I felt like I could not abandon it, could not let it die. This board, even though it has leveled some harsh criticism on me in the past, that was my higher power. That was the voice giving me permission to just let it go, telling me it was not what was best for me. That was what I needed to hear.

And I'll say this - it seems too awful and too overwhelming to just move on. This relationship that was such an important part of your life, it feels like there should be drama, and pain, and turmoil, and fighting to save it. But you deserve to be happy, and there really are going to be other opportunities out there for you to find happiness. A relationship that has left you in an agony of pain, regret, and heartache for 4 months is not what your "higher power" would want for you, it is not destined, it is not worth what you are giving it. What is so frightening, in a way, about moving on is that it really does happen, and it's not so hard, and you will be okay with it. I know that I loved my ex with all my heart. I know that he cannot be there for me in the ways I need from the man I want to build a future with. I know that I could, if I chose, continue to think, dream, remember, fantasize about what our relationship was like when it was good and how promising our love seemed at one time. But that would be a choice, and one that precluded me from fully experiencing my present by living in the past. I know what it's like - you're mired in this quagmire of conflicted feelings, hurt and longing, love and hope, disappointment and anger. Your whole world has become about those feelings, that kind of turmoil, it's familiar and it seems appropriate to the "death" of a great love. It feels as natural as breathing, it feels like you're really living because you're hurting. But this isn't how you're supposed to be living. It really is so much cleaner and simpler than it seems. You really can just let it go, say goodbye, close the door and move forward. You can condition your mind to recognize that this was "a relationship," not "the relationship," and that it will become part of your past, a fond memory and a learning experience. Sometimes we cling desperately to something that just isn't good for us, and are astonished by how much better we feel when we face the fear of the unknown and just move forward, trusting that it will be okay. I've started to feel my first optimism that I will meet someone new, and that actually feels good, rather than scary and a betrayal. I can tell you, Reagan, you've done all you can, you deserve better than this, life is too short to spend it on heartache.


Edited 8/24/2004 9:38 pm ET ET by milton333

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Registered: 06-10-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 1:24am
Thank you for your response. I know it must have taken some time to write, and I appreciate it very much. There's a lot of truth in what you've written and you're right, in some ways our situations are somewhat similar. I know I have to move on, and I thought I was doing reasonably well. Now, I'm not so sure. It's just a lot harder than I thought it would be and I can't seem to find that optimism about the future you seem to have. In a couple weeks I'm going to be going to London for two months to work on a project for my firm and I'm hoping that the break will be good for me...and I'm glad you're doing well.