Question? smeone please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Question? smeone please help
8
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 6:53pm

Ok I have posted here before and really didnt get much replies so im hoping that this time i get some help :)

So i broke up with Mr. Man A month and a week ago and no contact for over three weeks (I told him not to reach out to me anymore and whatever I have left at his apartment he can throw out for I have thrown everything out that he left at my place...His response NO PROBLEM..OUCH) ok so on Saturday one of my male friends texts me that he sent him a message on Myspace (he doesnt even talk to my friend at all even when we were together he wasnt like his friend and called him or anything)and they were chatting back and forth then my friend logs off of my space and gets on IM and my ex hits him up there also so my friend chats with him not to be rude...
my ex asks my friend what he was upto that night and my friend says nothing just hanging home and my friend asks my ex and he says about to jump in the shower to get ready to hang with my boys ok my friend says have fun yada yada yada...
My ex gets back on half an hour later and tells me myfriend ahhh decided to stay in and make it a blockbuster night alone...now my friend is wondering why is he telling me this duhhh lol...also my friend asked him how has he been and my ex responds ugh ive had better days today im not feeling to hot...
Well stupid me i go on Myspace and check out his page, now he has a blog on there that says growing up i click on it and on it it says heres to growing up, growing ballz and walking away...matters of the heart by India Arie (See on my Myspace page i say im my own hero for finally growin balzzz and walking away from the love of my life) so he pretty much was on my page....I looked up the lyrics to that song and I cried like a baby...

Now here where im confused did he do all of this so he can try little by little to get in contact with me? WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?can someone please analyze this better than I can...HEELLLPPPP

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 7:49pm
He sounds like a very confused guy. You've GOTTA remember, guys r stupid! They play things off like break ups, b/c society has them to be the tough ones. God forbid they show how they REALLY feel about certain things. How old is this guy? Hopefully under 30, b/c any older & it seems like he's playing games. By him hitting up ur male friend, he's trying to get the goods on you & be able to let you know how he's doing w/o actually talking to you. It's a common scenario. I wouldn't put too much thought into this, b/c it'll drive you insane. If you still have feelings for him, call him. Go after what you want & if things don't turn out the way you want, @ least you tried & won't spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?"...ya know? Let me know how it goes! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 9:38am
Thank you for your reply hun...
He is a grown 32 going on 33 in Dec father of 2 young men...Ill give you the scoop on us we have been going together for 2 years we lived together for a year and we have broke up a gazillion times and at first we would break up for days and get back then as time passed it escaladed to weeks then recently weve been breaking up for like a month at a time then for a month were ok then the next were broken up, bottom line is that he has done this before but now he is reaching out to my friend cause i told him to please leave me alone dont reach out to me through email, text, nothing.....I love this man to death i would have done anything for him and i did and he took that for granted and for that i need to let him go i know this but how am i going to do that i have no idea..please any suggestions would be appreciated...and if you have any questions please dont hesitate to ask
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 12:57pm

::Now here where im confused did he do all of this so he can try little by little to get in contact with me? WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

It doesn't mean anything. Your friend didn't do you a favor by talking to him. Your friend didn't do you a favor by telling you about the conversation. AND you didn't do yourself a favor by going to his myspace.

What people post on myspace when they are in pain/grief is raw emotion. It's like reading a private journal entry. The thing is, wait two days, two weeks, or whatever and those feelings are no longer valid. But in the moment, they were important.

You are going to have to take care of you, do what's right for your healing (that means staying away from reading anything he writes and telling your friends that you don't want to hear it when they talk about him). It's about setting boundaries for you, to help you, to get you through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 1:07pm
You are sooo right cause silly me ( I dont know why I keep doing this to myself) I went on today to see if there was anything different and what did i see a beautiful woman on his friends list and she sent him a comment...ugh i lost it for a few minutes then got my composure back..I will not go on his page again cause i know he is doing this to get to me and i was letting him at first but now i have to put my guards up again its going on 2 months i havent seen him and its getting to me...I wish things were different..I kind of feel like i need some closure though..what do ya think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 1:20pm

Closure is something you give yourself. That's been repeated on these boards for a long time by a very wise woman. Write him an UNSENT letter. Vent away. Say everything you want, then burn it. Do it daily if need be until you feel a sense of peace about where you are, where you are headed and what you are doing.

If you try to talk to him, no matter what you say, he will either disbeleive you, dimiss you and your feelings or will turn around and dump on you, blame you etc. Once you tell someone how you feel about them, the situation, etc. you have now given them permisson to do the same thing to you. Do you really want to hear anything from him?

Healing takes time, but you will get through it.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 3:23pm
Letting go is SO much easier said than done, I completely understand that. I find it helps to let go if you concentrate on the negatives. If you think of the bad times it's easier to let it all go, there's nothing harder than to try to let go of something that you think nothing but good thoughts about. Yeah, there may have been good times, but think about all the times you 2 broke up & all the drama that came along with it. You & I BOTH know he's much too old to be acting the way he has & you deserve someone who isn't going to play the games. If you keep urself busy with other things in life, there'll be less time to think about him. Also, maybe go out with some other guys, nothing serious but it should help get ur mind away from what was once that toxic relationship. I'm not saying to jump from relationship to relationship but sitting @ home or talking about him won't help. I hope I could be of some help...remember- everything happens for a reason, sometimes we find out what the reason is, sometimes we never do. You can't force something if it's just not meant to be, ya know? Let me know how things go for you & I wish you the very best of luck! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 3:31pm
I wouldnt wany anything more in the world than to be with him but I cant be hes bad for me and I know this...like i said before i just wish things were different but hes not on the same page and to tell you the truth i dont think hell ever be so yes your 110% right ive been good at NC for over 3 weeks and i can do this..Thank you for your words of wisdome i trully appreciate u taking the time to answer my post :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 7:49am

I agree with what the others have said and the unsent letter really works and helps you deal with stuff. Make sure you write everything down, good and bad, everything you would tell him if he were there. You may not be able to focus on the bad stuff right away, but eventually you should try to do that, for your own good. Eventually, you will WANT to do that, even. Try to write a list of every little thing he ever did that hurt you, even if you think he didn't mean to do it, of every annoying habit. If you want to, add "I hate you because/for..." to every item on the list. Even if you don't feel "hate", even if it's a stupid sentence like "I hate you for leaving your socks on the floor". It has more impact, at least it did to me. When I wrote such a list the other day, I found it created some sort of a distance from him in my mind, and to me that's what I need to get through. Try to find at least 10 of these, that should be possible, right? You may need some more time before you feel like doing this, there's no need to rush anything.

Siren