question: was this wrong of me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
question: was this wrong of me?
3
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 11:08am

i got dumped two months ago. i've written about it a lot on here. but some things have happend recentley and i jsut wonder if i should feel guilty about them or not. first of all my ex dumped me becasue he told me he didnt have feeligns for me anymore. that was two months ago. when we first broke up he was indifferent towards me and then i hooked up with his friend (just for fun, no attachments)and now my ex hates me. he never acknowledges the fact that i'm alive. should i have tried to steer clear of his friends? however, we3 go to the same school, so we have a LOT of mutual friends and i see him every day. basically, should i feel guilty for hooking up with one of his friends (HIS FRIEND MADE THE FIRST MOVE).

furthermore we had a giant formal at my school and i ended up dancing next to my ex (and i was dancing with a different one of his friends). i felt guilty then too...excpet this time i enjoyed it also for some reason. why, when i dont like the person ias dancing with...and i still have feelings for my ex...do i enjoy dancing rather closely with one of his friends in front of him? all im doing is making him HATE ME MORE. SHOULD I JUST AVIOD GOING OUT WHERE HIM AND HIS FRIENDS WILL BE? ITS NOT LIKE I GO LOOKING FOR THEM TO MAKE HIM JEALOUS, BECAUSE I DONT TIHNK I CAN EVEN MAKE HIM JEALOUS SINCE HE HAS NO FEELINGS FOR ME. HE JUST HATES ME. END OF STORY. BUT I THINK IM MAKING IT WORSE. or...should i feel bad about doing things like that in front of him or in general? he did tell me "he just didnt have THOSE feelings any more" and thatr "everything was good in his life except me". SO HOW DO I STILL FEEL GUILTY WHEN I DO THINGS LIKE HOOK UP WITH HIS FRIENDS, OR EVEN DANCE WITH THEM IN FRONT OF HIM?

...especially since all of last night he was pursuing on of OUR mutual friends...who he wants to date. SHE CAME TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT AFTER THE DANCE. SHE WAS COMPLAINING TO ME ABOUT HOW MUCH MY EX WAS PURSUING HER AND HOW SHE CONSIDERED IT, BUT THEN TURNED HIM DOWN FOR THE TIME BEING. I WAS SO JEALOUS I WENT STRAIGHT TO MY DORM AFTER THE DANCE, INSTEAD OF GOING OUT.

I'M SO CONFUSED. what is going on in my brain? i hate him for dumping me, but i like him for who we were together for a huge part of our relationship. he made me so happy, and then dumped me. i feel guilty about doing things (like hooking up, or even dancing) with his "boys", even though he is already pursuing another girl. he HATES me...for A REASON THAT I CANT FIGURE OUT. he was my best friend and my boyfriend and then he completey changed on me. i hate him for it and i just want ot be moved on. SO WHY DO I CONSTANTLY THINK ABOUT HIM, WHEN HE DUMPED ME AND STOPPED THINKING ABOUT ME TWO MONTHS AGO. whenever i walk up to a group of people that he is in...he says something like "aight dawg, i think its time to go" to one of his friends, and they walk away. WHAT DID I TO DO HIM TO MAKE HIM HATE ME SO MUCH, OTHER THAN TRY TO MOVE ON AND HAVE FUN WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE (even though i wanted him in my life and he is the one who threw me away).

okay...sorry this is so long! i guess i just needed to vent. i'm really confused about tihngs right now, so any response to ANY of the questions i asked would be GREATLY appriciated! thank you so much for spending time to read this...i know its just rambling. thanks for listening :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 4:09pm

I don't know if you will like this or not, or if it might change your perception some.

You did what you wanted to do in the moment (hook up with his friend) it doesn't matter what your ex thinks or feels. He gave up the 'right' to be upset about anything connected to you when he broke up with you.

Most people, male or female would feel betrayed if their ex hooked up with one of their friends - no matter how much time passed. This is clearly the root of your jealous feelings when your friend complained that your ex tried to hook up with her at the dance. You got to feel first hand how your ex-bf felt when you kissed his friend.

You feel hurt about the break up as you were happy and didn't want it to end. Your feelings are normal. Now, though for some reason, you have a great need to be LIKED by your ex. Why? He broke up with you. Who cares if he hates you or not? He's not getting back together with you. You really wouldn't want him back based on the way he's treated you.

My guess is that he doesn't really hate you, even if his behavior indicates he does and even if he tells his friends that he does. My guess is that he's so hurt and angry and probably wants to punish you for kissing his friend that he comes across as cold, unfeeling and hateful.

Stop over thinking the whole situation. It's making you crazy.

Some answers to your questions, keep in mind this is only one person's opinion, mine.

::should i have tried to steer clear of his friends?

Probably, you should have steered clear. Just as much as you would have liked him to stay away from your friend. Friends don't do this to each other, meaning I think his friend, the guy you kissed, was wrong to even approach you.

::why, when i dont like the person ias dancing with...and i still have feelings for my ex...do i enjoy dancing rather closely with one of his friends in front of him?

You enjoyed it because you were hoping to get a reaction from you ex, any reaction, because any reaction is better than the way thing have been since the break up.

::SHOULD I JUST AVIOD GOING OUT WHERE HIM AND HIS FRIENDS WILL BE?

Lots of people after a break up make the decision to stay away from places where they know their ex will be with his/her friends, if for nothing else, self-preservation. To not have to face the pain repeatedly until enough time has passed for some real healing to have happened.

::ITS NOT LIKE I GO LOOKING FOR THEM TO MAKE HIM JEALOUS, BECAUSE I DONT TIHNK I CAN EVEN MAKE HIM JEALOUS SINCE HE HAS NO FEELINGS FOR ME

He wouldn't be human if he didn't have any feelings. However, just because he's not showing them to you, doesn't mean he doesn't have them. Would you share all of yours with him, if you thought it would make you appear weak, or less than, or put you in a vulnerable position to be hurt even more? I think not.

::SO HOW DO I STILL FEEL GUILTY WHEN I DO THINGS LIKE HOOK UP WITH HIS FRIENDS, OR EVEN DANCE WITH THEM IN FRONT OF HIM?

Because you still feel like you belong with your ex. Because you still feel part of being a 'couple'. Because you are human. Because you are still healing.

::what is going on in my brain?

Only you can figure that out.

::he HATES me...for A REASON THAT I CANT FIGURE OUT.

Here's the thing, you are never going to figure it out. You are making yourself crazy, giving him so much power over you. Even if you had an answer 'because you did X' it wouldn't change things. He's not going to go back to being your best friend. He's not going to want to hang out with you and talk to you. You can't fix this. Why do you care why he hates you? I mean he might just be saying he does to put distance between the two of you, he might be doing it so you will let go and move on. You can't fix this even if you had 'an answer.' Chances are there isn't a real answer to the question anyway.

::SO WHY DO I CONSTANTLY THINK ABOUT HIM, WHEN HE DUMPED ME AND STOPPED THINKING ABOUT ME TWO MONTHS AGO.

Becaues you are in grief. Because you want things to be different. However, do NOT assume that he stopped thinking about you. Because you don't hear about it, no one talks about it, doesn't mean he just flipped a switch and has no more feelings. It only means he chooses not to share those feelings with anyone else.

::whenever i walk up to a group of people that he is in...he says something like "aight dawg, i think its time to go" to one of his friends, and they walk away. WHAT DID I TO DO HIM TO MAKE HIM HATE ME SO MUCH, OTHER THAN TRY TO MOVE ON AND HAVE FUN WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE (even though i wanted him in my life and he is the one who threw me away).

You want someone that doesn't want you. Please do something for your own self-esteem. Why is this all about him? Why do you allow this to be all about him? You care more about why he hates you, than you care about yourself, your feelings and healing. Why?

I know this is hard, I really do. But seriously, you are making yourself crazy for answers you may never get. Please, please, focus on you and your healing and stop obsessing about him. Do it for you, because you are worth it.

For others trying to follow your story:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=21915.1&next=yes




Edited 1/21/2007 5:00 pm ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 4:35pm

although some of that is sort of hard to come to terms with, you are right. i really AM allowing him to have some sort of control over me that i really shoudlnt. he does NOT want me, or anything to do with me. i really have to try harder to not let myself get wrapped up in what i think he's thinking. regardless, he has moved on, and i have to also. i guess i just let all these questions drive me crazy because i'm expecting to find an answer to them...one that will allow me to have hope for a relationship with my ex again. but we WILL NOT ever be together. he just is not interested in me, and that is why it ended in the first place. and you're right, i don't think he hates me. i think i'm mistaken his indifference towards me as hate. i think, in my brain, him hating me is better than him being indifferent towards me because at least hate is some sort of emotion. if he hates me...that means he still OCCATIONALLY thinks about me. whereas, if he's indifferent...that means he just doesn't care one way or the other, ya know?

but i will try to steer clear of his friends, and i'll stop trying to get a reaction out of him, becuase i will just continue to be dissappointed. my best friend is not coming back, and he is pursuing someone else, AND I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT.

all these questions i keep asking will just end up making me frustrated and they will lead nowhere. he is just over me. end of story.

i have a feeling this would all be SO much easier if we didn't attend the same school.

thank you for taking the time to give me advice! sorry about my rambling. i guess i just really have to find a way to move on. i think i'm going ot try to stop tlaking about him in general. he's not a part of my life anymore, so why should i spend time talking about him? he hurt me worse than anyone has, ever. he doesn't DESERVE to be in my life, so why do i miss him? i'm seirously ready to turn a corner with this whole thing. thanks! anymore advice? you really helped me out :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 4:49pm

You sound so much better. Print out what you typed and keep it to re-read when you need it.

Grief is a strong emotion. Some people confuse love with grief. Grieving is a process. It takes time to overcome and go through a break up. What you feel is normal. You miss him, but the him he used to be. Not the him he is today. That's normal too. You have to grieve for the loss of the relationship. For what could have been, for what might have been, for what you hoped would have been. Journal write, vent, cry, write him UNSENT letters (burn them), but keep moving forward. Feel what you feel and accept it. Then keep moving forward. And you are right, it would be easier if you weren't at the same school, but you can do this. Join a fun group, something physical, something creative, something different and just have fun. It may serve as a distraction, but at the same time, you might meet some new friends. You can do this.


Carrie