Random ?'s, will he ever grow up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Random ?'s, will he ever grow up?
9
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 11:30am

I am just dreading the day I run into my ex with someone else. It still hurts SO much that I haven't even been able to let myself feel anything for anyone else, and the thought of him with someone else makes me feel physically ill. I can't stand it. How do you deal with these feelings and what do you do if you DO run into your ex with someone else?? :S

And another thing I have been wondering, my ex is 31, we have a child together, yet he still acts like an 18 year old player who needs constant female attention. I keep thinking, what if he just didn't want to be devoted to ME, what if he just treated ME that way, how do I know he won't treat someone else completely differently? Do you think at his age that he will ever outgrow the player thing and want to settle down if he hasn't already, especially having a baby? Or is he destined to be a bachelor forever?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2007
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 1:42pm

My ex of over 4 years broke up with me about 2 months ago, now. Last weekend I ran into him with a girl who I knew he had an interest in, while in our relationship. I was so shocked and hurt, that I could not stand to look at him, and turned away to avoid the image burning in my head.

This running-into incident happened sooner than I expected. It felt like it was break up all over again, and everything I've worked on in the past 2 months had gone right back to square one. I had knots in my stomach and pain in my chest for 2 days. On the second night I prayed for the first time, with a lot of sincerety, because I really didn't want to feel so weak anymore. I felt a bit better after I woke up the next day. Then of course today I am here checking out other people's experiences. I have found the positive posts about how people haved moved on very encouraging. It's a bit painful, but I know I will get through it and get over it. You just have to have faith.

And then today I get this email (over arranging a time to pick up his belongings) and I realized, he never grew up! I am starting to see all his bad qualities, and the only thing I really miss was his company, but I just need to learn to live on my own. But really, I see so much clearer now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 2:16pm

Hi hm,


I've posted your original so others can have a better idea of your story:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlbreaking/?msg=22747.1


Here's my question to you, so get ready:

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 5:07pm
Good way to put it, thanks :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 3:26pm

I'm sorry to hear what your going through, I have been there and unfortunatly all I can tell you is that it takes time. Time heals all wounds. The best thing for you is to remove yourself entirely from his personal life, and I know how hard that is...you have to stop the urge to ask the questions, stalk, speak with his friends, assume things, etc..
Because you have a child together you can not cut him off totally, but you do need to keep your emotions in check. Again time will allow those urges to involve yourself in his life to slowly fade (probably never go away, he's the father of your child). You will eventually get to the point that you realize, good..she can have him.

In response to your "player" comment...NO...he will not treat anyone better than you and the reason he's probably playing the field is because things are always good in the begining and then the problems start. He cant find anyone better than you so he will be constantly searching and looking to fill the void which is you. But on the other hand, he cant treat you better either...... dont you think you deserve to be treated like a princess??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 2:10pm
Why do you care so much about your EX's love life and commitment issues? He is your EX, and you no longer should worry about his intimate life because it does not concern you on that level. You seem to be struggling with the idea that the two of you are not together anymore, which, if has gone on longer than your normal grieving/rebound time, might warrant counseling. Instead of focusing on your ex, focus on your child! You haven't forget he/she, have you? Separation or divorce for a child is dramatic and hurtful, and instead of nursing your own wounds and sulking about an ex who couldn't grow up and has other negative aspects (he must be your ex for something), help your child adjust to a changed life. In other words, instead of focusing inward, focus outward--it is true that you can often lose your own life's problems when you rather focus on helping another. If your child sees you bemoaning over your seemingly self-destructive and juvenile ex it will effect him/her later in life, possibly making it difficult for him/her to have a healthy relationship. The vice versa is true also--if he/she can look and remember that his/her mother was strong, encouraging, and forward moving in a time of difficulty, it will give him/her strength and hope. This is advice from a child of a destructive divorce.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2007
Sun, 10-28-2007 - 3:32am

Hi,


I understand what your going through and hope things are going well for you, I hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 10-28-2007 - 3:40am
Welcome to the board dmcrook and thanks for sharing your story....





iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Sun, 10-28-2007 - 7:39am

Hi, thank you - you know what, we broke up last October and I wrote this in April, and little did I know that was only when my problems were beginning. Not even a week after I wrote this, we had my son's christening and sure enough, SHE showed up to the church. That was how I was introduced to their relationship - and from that point on I was just expected to deal with it. She being one of the many women he cheated on me with throughout our relationship.

Since then, from what I have heard, he has done everything for her he wouldn't do for me - he brought her flowers, which he told me he would never do because they were a "waste of money" (not even when he came to see me after our son was born would he do that), he got her a "promise" ring, and they are moving into the house they bought together next week. I can't say it doesn't sting to know he cares for her like he never cared for me, and who knows if he's not just doing the same things behind her back that he did to me - I think the difference is I suspected it and checked into it, and it took me awhile but I eventually found out the truth.

And I think my suspicions are partially what drove us apart, but sure enough, even before I began to get suspicious he was already cheating. You don't start feeling suspicious for nothing. She on the other hand accepts things at face value and from what I have heard (we do have some mutual friends) she has been suspicious but hasn't looked into it, and just knowing that she WAS suspicious makes me think he hasn't been as devoted as he seems. Because with him, everything is a game and within 2 weeks of us moving in together, when we were still "happy", he was already sleeping with his ex.

Anyway, as I said, it does still sting sometimes, and I will not speak to the new girlfriend, I get a knot in my stomach every time I see her. I am trying to get along with my ex for our son's sake, and if anything this whole situation bothers me most because I HATE knowing that every time my son goes to visit his father, he also spends the time with her, who does not deserve anything from him after cheating with his father when she knew I was pregnant.

BUT, after all that, I honestly have no feelings left for my ex - I am numb to him - I thought it would never happen but it's like one day I woke up and it was all gone. It took a LONG, LONG time. Not to mention a new man, haha - I tried dating too soon after our breakup and I knew I was not over my ex enough to be with someone else. But by summer, I decided to give it a chance with someone new, and sure enough he turned out to be amazing. My feelings for him keep growing and growing, and he treats me a million times better than my ex ever did. In fact, I think I've grown closer to him in the past 5 months than I ever was with my ex!

I was just thinking tonight how incredibly happy I am, recently it's like a light went off and I actually felt ashamed for putting up with all my ex put me through. It's like you said, they take all our self esteem until we're left with nothing and they've built their ego up, and my ex did that to me so much. He must have had fun toying with me because there's no way the mind games and verbal abuse he put me through were normal. I convinced myself it was at the time, that I was the crazy one, but I have no idea how he managed to brainwash me like that. I mean even in the hospital after I had our son I got up to straighten my hair and do my makeup before he came to visit, I always wanted to look my best for him because I felt I had to compete with all the other girls he was with.

The funny thing is, the girl he's with now it the most plain jane girl you could imagine, she is not even remotely pretty. And now that I could care less what he thinks of me, I don't bother getting ready at all when he comes by to pick up our son - yesterday we slept in and I had to answer the door in my pjs with messy hair and no make up and I could have cared less! Even if he did want me back, there is no way I'd subject myself to that again. My mind is out of that haze and if anything I only wish I would have seen it sooner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Sun, 10-28-2007 - 8:54am

thanks for sharing your story dm. sounds really painful, sorry to hear! but this part is soooooo helpful to hear again...


:I can assure you that no other girl has a chance in hell of being treated any better..Work on regaining your self esteem