random thoughts
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:22pm |
I just had a conversation with an ex-boyfriend of mine--not the one I've been posting about on this board. This ex is from nearly five years ago, and we hadn't talked in probably two years before tonight. Things didn't end that well between us (I dumped him and he didn't take it well), and I didn't expect to hear from him again. After all, we had been very young when we dated (sophomores in high school), and we didn't attend the same school so I never had to see him after our breakup; obviously both of us were going to go through some changes as we grew up.
I figured that chapter of my life was closed, and in many ways, it is. I am not the same person that I was back then, and neither is he. We have no interest in seeing what things between us would be like now; I think he was just curious to see what had happened to me. It was a bit awkward talking to him at first...we had so much to catch up on, but neither of us really knew how to talk to each other anymore. It was pretty much like talking to a stranger; like talking to somebody new for the very first time.
I've been so caught up in my sadness over losing my more recent ex that I've forgotten how much people can change and grow throughout the years. Sure, some people remain pretty consistent...but I'm not one of them. I know that I've already grown so much in the past year, and I will continue to in the future. And then it hit me...my ex is changing too. He is growing and developing, and I won't get the opportunity to see it happen. But you know what? That's okay...because as he changes, I'm changing...and neither of us are interested in seeing how the other person turns out.
I still care about my ex...but I care about the person that I knew almost a year ago. We had been friends for awhile before we dated, and I saw him changing as time went on. The person he is becoming is not somebody that I want in my life...we are not a good match. He doesn't meet my expectations; he doesn't have the qualities that I find so valuable in a friend. I've just been acting silly and have been mourning the loss of someone that doesn't really exist anymore. As time goes on, I won't even know my ex at all. Already I feel like it's been such a long time that conversing with or seeing him would be extremely awkward.
I'm not trying to say that time is the ultimate healer or anything like that (although it really does help)...but I guess I'm just trying to point out that nothing in life is certain. People can change, they drift apart all the time...and time goes on. But the best part about it is that life does as well :) I'm excited to continue growing, and to maybe even find someone who wants to see ME grow...and vice versa.
"I've learned that things change, people change, and it doesn't mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It means that you move on and treasure the memories."

I've often had the same thoughts recently. That people change so much and drift apart...and the guy I had been with for 7 years...the guy I was going to marry...doesn't really exist anymore. I've seen him and talked to him briefly since our breakup and he's not the same person I was with. It's kind of sad...because it almost feels like a death of someone...I'll never get to see "that" guy again. Even if I do talk to him again, he's not the same person I knew.
And by the same token, I know I've changed since we split. For the better, I hope, but that's what that relationship was for in my life...to make me who I am today, and to make him who he is today. We can never go back to what we had because those people don't exist anymore. I think that's what makes me sad the most, that so much has changed that there's no going back, ever.
Sad, but happy at the same time. I like who I am much more now. Not that I was a horrible person, neither was he, but that I know now what mistakes I've made in past relationships, and also I know what I will not deal with in a relationship ever again. Those are good changes, but sad nonetheless.
~jen