Ranting looking for support - it's long!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
Ranting looking for support - it's long!
5
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 6:28pm

Hi, I've been reading posts for the last couple of nights and I've even attempted to post some replies! How brave of me?


Well, tonight, I've been back on the computer for most of the night - I didn't really intend to tonight, but, it's happened. I've spent quite a while on facebook, not that I ever really do anything on there, other than generally feeling inadequate 'cos everyone has more friends than me, puts up more clever posts/statuses etc. etc.


Anyway, I noticed that my ex has been on there. We're friends on facebook - it's only been 8 days since we split, so things are still quite raw. I managed to go on there to say that I'm now 'single' the other night. I know he's been on there tonight, 'cos his relationship status changed to single at 9pm tonight. So now, I feel sick, and I've cried, again. And I feel numb and I'm tired and I'm late to bed again, which hopefully won't mean that I'm late for work, again, tomorrow.


I'm now scared too. 'cos I've been on to my ex's profile about 5 times in just one sitting, there's a new application on there one of our mutual friends obviously invited to us all. We've both accepted it - unfortunately, it's

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 8:04pm

Welcome to the board Alison,


Everything you feel is normal. Grieving is a process. Mourning the loss of a relationship takes time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2007
Tue, 12-04-2007 - 2:35pm
My advice to you is to stay away. Any sort of contact with him at this stage is going to end up hurting you and making you feel regretful and nostalgic. You have to move on. It'll get easier, I promise, as long as you don't backslide. I didn't get over my first boyfriend for nearly a year after it was over because we were in the same group of friends, and there were constant reminders of how much I missed him and wanted him back (and he was also sending me incredibly mixed signals, oblivious that I would interpret them that way). Instead of healing naturally, my love for him grew ugly and obsessive, and you don't want that to happen to you. I know it's hard to just make yourself stop thinking about him, but make the effort, because dwelling on it will not make you happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Tue, 12-04-2007 - 4:27pm

Hey Alison -

Long post - long response :

I feel like I'm going through the same motions as you! Well, I'm 4 months out of it, but I had a relapse recently (thanks for helping by the way!).

Firstly, delete him from your facebook. You told me to do that, now you do the same! It sucks to have daily reminders of what he's been up to. And plus, Facebook is not really the best representation of reality. Even though you see certain things on his profile, it probably isn't as bad as you think. You're mind will fill in the gaps with wild imagination, and therefore it's better not to even have a glimpse of what's on his facebook.
Facebook and Myspace are seriously the devil.

Remove him as your friend. And write down some things to stick on your computer screen to read every time you want to check his profile or think you'll add him back. Plus - think about it from the guy's perspective. He sees that you removed him, then he'll see at 2 in the morning, you've added him again, and then you'll come to your senses and remove him, and then you'll get drunk and lonely and the cycle will continue. And he will see you as this dramatic and emotional person and he just may never add you back just to avoid the situation.
I'm not trying to be harsh. I actually deleted him from my myspace. And the next morning I thought to add him again cause I thought I was acting irrational. But I felt embarrassed and didnt think he would add me again.. So you can't go back!! Maintain your dignity! :)

You're going through you break up. It's important to feel everything you're feelings. They crying will eventually lessen. Realize that since he doesn't think you're the one, his love for you will fade, and you'll feel even worse then. He knows in his heart that he can't give you what you want. Even though he still cares for you and wants you in his life, he knows you shouldn't wait around for him, and you should live your life and find that person that will give you what you want.

As for the jealousy and introvert issue - if you really want to be less jealous and more social, then I suggest you behave your way to success, and go to therapy and talk about your insecurities. I've been going these past 4 months and it's helped a lot. :)

My recommendation to you is to stop all contact. When you stop all contact then you stop expecting things from him and you only rely on yourself - that which you can control. It'll hurt like HE** but it will get better!!!! Keep talking to your family and venting to them. Keep yourself occupied, do anything in which your mind is occupied.

And keep reminding yourself (I'm doing this NOW) that he is not the person you saw yourself ending up with. That person is gone. He can't see himself with you in the future. It's sad I know, but the faster you accept this, the easier it'll be to get over him. I'm mourning the loss of my sweet, loving boyfriend..I mourn the loss of the innocence, the trust, the hope, the passion and connection we shared. Even though he is alive and has chosen not to be with me, I know that person is not the person I mourn. He is different. People change. And I know I'll find someone perfect for me that'll love me.

And you will too.

Go out, going out is always going to be better than staying in and being sad, work out, read It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken. GREAT BOOK.

Whatever you do, DO NOT CONTACT HIM. He said he can't see you with him in the future, therefore he won't. He doesn't deserve your time or energy. And you say that maybe spending time with him will make him want you back? I thought that way too, but I realized it only shows them that you accept their decision and will take their crumbs. If you stop contact, and show them that they truly have lost you, only then can they truly appreciate you. Plus, if you stand up for yourself and respect yourself so much to say, I'm not taking any of this half a** crap, then you will get that same respect from him. You won't be this needy person he wants to avoid, you'll be this independent women he'll respect. I assume you want that.

Sorry for the long response. :-P

Keep posting and delete him from your facebook. It's torturous.

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
Tue, 12-04-2007 - 4:34pm

Hallo,


Thanks for your advice, I think you're entirely right - I do need to stop any contact with him at all and, hopefully, I have done all that now. I've removed him and his friends from my facebook account, my email contacts and shared calendars no longer include him and I've removed photographs from my sight until they don't stir things up for me and I've even just removed him from my phone!


The first break up is the hardest I think, so, at least I've got a few under my belt and this won't take me a year to get over - I really, really hope!


My friends have all been great so far, so long may that continue and I'm determined to start to make more of an effort with my friends that are not at all connected to him.


Wish me luck!


Thanks


Alison


x


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
Tue, 12-04-2007 - 4:50pm

Hello again,


I loved the long post, thanks so much for taking the time out. Guess what, I deleted him from facebook last night, hurrah, I finally took my own advice. It was surprisingly easier than I expected. I haven't been on there again though, as I'm a bit concerned that I'll start digging around