Read the "My Heart Hurts" &.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Read the "My Heart Hurts" &.....
2
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 2:24am

....some of the messages I could have wrote ALMOST word for word. This message board is a lifesaver to me for the "You are not alone and others really know what you feel like", because I am pretty much alone (my best friend is in jail, so it's not like I can just show up at his house, and crash out, and cry on his shoulder: he's gay-we're like Will & Grace). I live with my younger brother and his wife (she and I are not close at all. she keeps too much to herself and would not be helpful). My younger brother is supportive to a point. He tends to get mad at me for crying over him...the "you are not crying over that loser, are you?" And, the last 7 months, I've had trouble getting and keeping a job (I was 'let go' from the Dr's office I worked for in Nov. 06, for 17 months, but I was unhappy there anyway, but I didn't know the bad luck getting another job was going to happen). I had two jobs in a medical office: 7 weeks, then laid off. 3 weeks, and they just let me go (NV is a 'right to work' state, so they don't have to have a reason if you're in a probationary period). Now before I worked in Medical Administration (which I went to school for and got a degree), I worked in the casinos. Because I couldn't get a decent paying job in a Dr's office, I reluctantly, applied back at a casino (because, by this time, I'm behind in bills, and getting nervous). They went through a month long procedure to hire me (that's a long story in itself), and I get right back into it, like riding a bicycle (just didn't like the night time hours because it would interfere with my time with HIM). Well, I'm there 2 weeks, and they lay me off. I went in that evening, Friday, July 6th...but before I did, I had initiated the "I can't do this anymore" to him on the phone...which I wasn't that convincing, but I'd have my job to keep my mind off of it, til we could talk it out. I came in and the took me to the office and stated I was low man on the totum pole...sorry. As soon as I left, I called him, trying to take it all back (even though that was the wrong thing to do). But, he was already agreeing with the "we shouldn't see each other anymore". Needless to say, I could not get any lower and deeper into feelings of worthlessness and dispair then I felt that Saturday. He told me the reasons why "I wasn't right for him", and I do have some bad habits, but I feel I have more good qualities...but I didn't think I had any at all....couldn't keep a job, and the other girl he had been seeing for all of 2 weeks was so much better "relationship material" and that he said he told me from the beginning (6 months) not to fall for him. But, we were together an average of 3 days a week, and he was loving, and attentive....yes, the #1 thing in our relationship was the sex, and we both enjoyed the same wild fetishes...that it was like a 'high' for us. He may not be "the one" for me for evermore, but both of us agree, our sex life was the best we'd both ever had than with anyone else. Oh, and he gave me an infection, which caused a painful cyst that had to be treated at the Dr's which was very painful, physically and monetarily. I am still not completely healed and am not through all my antibiotics. I am having phone contact with him, because I thought I'd be OK with it. He is with the other girl, and she just walked in out of nowhere, and he "fell" for her right away, and no matter what I did for him, in 6 MONTHS, HE DIDN'T FEEL ANYTHING FOR ME! THAT IS WHAT HUUUURRRTTSS SOOOO BAD! AM I NOT WORTHY OF HIS LOVE? AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? I'D DIE FOR HIM....I LOVE HIM! AND I'M WITHOUT HIM, SUFFERING, AND HIM & HER ARE BLISSFULLY HAPPY.

It's hard for me to focus on: his bad points, because he really didn't do anything wrong. He didn't lie to me, he never insinuated we were exclusive, and he warned me not to fall for him, and he treated me well. He was very, very affectionate....it was MY weakness that I fell in love.

It's hard for me to say: 'I'm better off without him', because I'm not...right now, I'm just plain 'not better off' no matter how you look at it.

It's hard for me to: bury myself in my job....because I don't have one (yes, I have passed a lot of the time job hunting)

It's hard for me to: go out with my friends, because I don't have any or any money for that matter.

So I text him and tell him how much I want him (so he can be more positive I'm worthless). I don't believe if I did NC with him, that he would EVER try to contact me, EVER...even though, I know that is not the goal (but you girls know what I mean). I never even get that in the longrun.

I used to have my s#*t together. I worked 40+ hours a week, and went to school 25 hours a week, and got straight A's. I would go through guys like pantyhose...sometimes they only got worn once, and they got a run, so you threw them out. I was "Lara Croft" & "Zena" all rolled into one. Then I met HIM...instant weakness, stupidity, and loss of pride & dignity.

Boy, I guess this got awful long. Anyone who reads all this....bless your heart. But just writing it REALLY helped...and ANYTHING at all that helps is great.

Tina Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 10:53pm

Hey tinamarie, good to see you back here.

You know, something strikes me about your posts, your life: You don't give up. You haven't given up on yourself and that is awesome. If you worked in a Dr's office before, do it again. Even if it's not great money, it's still more than what you're making right this second, correct? Or, get another job in another place, it really doesn't matter, but keep at it, keep going, and soon you'll find something that will use your talents and compensate you for them.

There is one thing you must give up, though, that is this dependency on him, this idea that you don't amount to much without him. From your post, you were actually doing better when he wasn't in your life, true? Seems like it. You need to find that warrior inside again. Have you been able to or are you able to look into counseling of some type? There have to be some co-dependent meetings (CoDA) in your area, what with all the gambling taking place.

It's not that you're not worthy or not good enough for him, I mean he doesn't sound like a good guy to begin with anyway. It's more like he's not worthy of your attention. But you've got to believe that yourself, remember I told you that in your first post on this board. Get yourself straight, and you'll see what I mean.

Your brother, he doesn't understand the natural grieving process that women go through, and he's more likely than not angry at this guy who's hurt you, but typical male response is to be angry at what they can't do anything about. Let it slide of your back, try to ingratiate yourself to him and his wife. Go get that job and go get that help, they'll see you trying and that will help in your relationship with them, too.

But if you're going to do it, you've got to mean it. No more calls or texts to that guy, he's pure poison.

Good luck and keep posting, let us know how you're doing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 10:16pm
Thanks for the response...it always makes me feel good when I get responses (regardless if I agree, disagree, hurts to read it, makes me smile, ect.).
I never give up, because all my life, there was no other option. I had a hard and abusive childhood, and it's second nature to just keep going. As an adult, and becoming more experienced, it gets depressing when life throws me hardships one after the other. I am always trying & learning anything necessary to eliminate some of the hard stuff, but it seems not to lessen...and I'll finally be so worn out, and I fall apart and say "I can't do this anymore. Life is too hard. Why am I even going on...there is nothing but misery for me in this life." And after the 'self-pity' part, I cry even harder, because I realize I don't have the luxury of "not going on", and I have to endure, yet ANOTHER, 'hardship', 'recovery period', 'set back', ect.
I guess the result of my experiences; I find happiness in the littlest things. Like I said at the beginning of this post: it means so much just for someone to acknowledge me. I don't take ANYTHING for granted. What most people take for granted; having someone who is there & loves them, a roof over their head, food, health insurance, and pretty secure in the ability to keep these things. There were times in my life, when I did have all those things, and I thanked God everyday.
Anyway, I am terribly long winded. I am positive and strong about 90% of the time. But that 10% time, the dumb things I do usually cancels out that 90%. I'm talking about HIM. I still want him. I can't use the "he's a dog & treated you bad" or the "you're better off without him", because he really treated me well & I wasn't "better off" or "worse off" before him. I fell too hard, too fast (which I usually do not do. It totally surprised me), but he told me throughout the relationship, "Don't get to close. I just want to have fun, and enjoy our time together." And, we had lots of fun. Oh, when I started seeing him, he had only been seperated from his wife of 10 years for 2 months. So, I have no one to blame but myself. So, I guess that is why I am the only one who is suffering. It still hurts and I wish he wanted me. So I end up on this sight, writing posts so long, that anyone who reads them, will have to do it in segments.
It's been 11 days, and I contacted him again yesterday. Next time I should just hit myself in the head with a baseball bat; both of those actions are equally STUPID & ONLY WILL ADD TO MY PAIN & PROLONG MY MISERY. Except, the baseball bat thing....he won't get any satisfaction out of it, because he won't know about it, or anything else, because I didn't contact him.
I'll shut up now, Tina

Tina Marie