ready to give in to breaking NC rule
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| Fri, 01-06-2006 - 11:50am |
I made a point to not contact anyone that could talk to me about my ex's up and current doings. Well, there was actually just 1 main person. I then made my up mind thinking I was being all wise and thinking (since I really hate him) "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer". Yes, it's lame, and it was the worst excuse to talk to him because obviously I just wanted to, yes, at the bottom of my heart, was still the ex. And I wanted to know what was up.
So, my enemy fills me in. Now I wish I never talked to him. He tells me that once we broke up, a new girl has shown interest and apparently trying to hook up with my ex. The girl was a friend of my ex's that I knew, and I always suspected her. (Actually, being the paranoid gf that I was, I suspected everybody, but that's besides the point.) So I ask questions, and the enemy provides me with answers. No, he has not shown interest. No, he has not rejected her. No, he doesn't know what to do. No, he said he wasn't ready, but doesn't want to give up a good "chance". Yes, he has been hanging out with her a lot lately. Yes, he is over you. That last one, to say the least, killed me.
So now, what's there left to do? I broke the rule of not talking to or someone related to my ex to get info, and now, I'm worst off than before. I was already kinda wondering and was ready to explode a few seconds before I talked to the enemy, but when I finally got to hear the info, I felt a complete chunk of me fell out and hit the ground. Literally. Before I heard the news, my heart was in pieces but it was still held together by a single, thin, fragile string.
My heart's telling me, "Hurry up, and do something!!! You're going to lose this guy forever if you don't."

You just contradicted your self :) you said you hate him and then you said you love him.....and believe it or not i understand. i hate my ex and i will never ever go back with him, but at the same time i wish i could be with him......kind of confusing i know.
I dont know all of your story so i dont know why you two broke up. but i am sure that there was a good reson for it otherwise you will still be together. Usually when we break up with someone and then make up things are wonderful during the first couple of days or even weeks but the we get confortable and go back to the way we were. So know that if you do decided to go after him and get another chance the same things that made you break will be there again.
I also worry and get jelous at the thought of my ex with other girls (eventhough the reason that we broke up was because he was cheating with 2 other girls) Sort of like if he cant be mine then he cant be anyone else kind of feeling. So maybe what you are feeling is just a reaction to this and nothing more.
I dont know if i was able to help at all but those are just some thoughts.
Hi Joanna,
I am sorry that you are feeling so horrible. My boyfriend and I broke up 4 months ago and I understand what you feel. You are so torn between wanting to know about him because how do you just put someone out of your life like they never existed. Than you think that you cannot bare to really hear about them and you are torturing yourself. Also, you said his friend was an enemy of yours? So I would kind of think that this person would probably actually like to see you upset and I would not have given them the satisfaction of seeing me sweat. When my ex and I broke up we were just at this turning point in our lives. He could never get his life togethor to go forward and I wanted more. So we agreed on splitting up and he would continue therapy and that was it. I remember in Sept. when we split that he asked me to give him a month. I said no and that you better understand that this is over. Because I know that he needed to get his life togethor and how could I possibly try to keep him. I told him not to contact me and I told his family that all though I loved them alot I need a clean break. We had monetary issues that were addressed 2 1/2 months after the break up, I gave him a very nice cordial call just saying before the holidays start we should figure out a payment plan. It was nice and I actually just picked my stuff and over $ 1000 of the money owed. That was the first time we saw eachother in 4 months..He thinks I am doing marvelous, he was like you look beautiful and he looked miserable and nothing in his life seemed to be changing. So it was sad and I felt set back for a few days. I still love him dearly and wish things would be different between us. I also do know though that I have to take care of me and keep going forward with my life. My ex just turned 40 and I am 34 so our age played into the factor with the fact that I cannot afford the luxury of wasting anymore time.
Hope you are doing better!!
Paula
Dear Paula, thanks for sharing your experience. I am getting used to the pain and I guess it's only with time it may or may not fade. But whether it will or not by the time we would have broken up for 4 months, I have learned to live with it. So I feel like a stronger person. And better about myself. If I stayed with him, I would feel like I was stuck at that stage in my life that I'll never get out of.
I wish you the best and cannot express how glad I am to hear that even after a breakup, one can be still doing so well like you and looking better than ever. I have started to go working out with my roommate and I plan to keep doing this. I've always wanted to and now I can use that as an incentive. =)
Hugs and Kisses,
Joanna
Hi Joanna,
It is going to take time to feel better, just try to not beat yourself up about things constantly. Everyone makes mistakes in relationships, so just use this time to learn from things and heal. I forget to address one thing that stood out in my mind from your first post when you mentioned the following -
The girl was a friend of my ex's that I knew, and I always suspected her. (Actually, being the paranoid gf that I was, I suspected everybody, but that's besides the point.)
You may have not been a paranoid person, it could have been that he never helped your feel secure and you were always left to wonder about other women since he may have treated you all the same or your instinct was telling you that something could happen. Just do not beat yourself up!! Keep you head high and you have to just try and not contact him. I would have loved to have spoken to my ex on numerous occasions when I wanted to say something to him or when I got something that would have helped us. In my heart he knows that I loved him and we have nothing more to say. We took it as far as we could take it....now it is up to him I will not keep turning back. You did your best to save a relationship. I am sure deep in your heart you want him, but unless he comes back to you. You will always have the doubt in your heart that this is where you want to be if you chase him down and you will always feel like you have to change who you are to be with him.
Keep working out with your girlfriends and having fun!! Life will fall into place!
Paula:)