Reality check

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
Reality check
5
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 11:00am
I will try not to make this too lengthy. My boyfriend of nearly five years built a house(his house)two years ago and we have lived together in it since. A month ago he asked me to move out as he'd had enough of my bad attitude and verbal abuse when I drank. I didn't drink everyday, however when I did I would go overboard and take out all my past baggage on him and my daughter who is now 21. I was bad..very bad and he's gone through alot with a very bad first marriage, a death of a child and his last girlfriend got into drugs and cheated on him. My drinking problem had been going on for at least ten years and had gotten me into trouble in the past. He had warned me that this would happen and it has. I'm 47 and he's 56, so we're not inmature adults by any means. I love this man dearly, I have a beautiful home, a great man and I'm losing it all, which kills me. He has told me he isn't in love with me anymore and that I have said before I'm not going to drink that much anymore. So it is a month later and I'm still in the house and I'm looking for a new home. I've been sober for a month and feeling great day by day as I feel this has been a HUGE wake up call for my life. We are great friends, still sleep in the same bed, even though he doesn't hold me, we have sex and it's the best it's been for a longtime. He's not the kind of man to have sex with someone he doesn't care for, nor am I. So I'm going to move out and continue to improve myself for me first, my daughter second and then see what happens with this relationship once he sees that I'm serious about change. Am I unreasonable to think that we still may have a future?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
In reply to: sonjen02
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 10:51pm

Hello sonjen,

First I am sorry you are hurting and going through this bad time right now. I myself have been on these boards for many months and they are so helpful to me - you really have come to the right place in terms of dealing with your feelings regarding a broken or ended relationship.

Right now it seems like you have 3 major intertwined issues; your boyfriend, your daughter and your drinking - the last being the most important since it affects the other two. Your boyfriend obviously loves you since you two remain physically and emotionally close. And, from what you said the only reason he asked you to move out was due to your drinking issues ONLY. If that is truly the case, and you remain sober then I dont see why it would be "unreasonable" that you two might still have a future. (Again, I'm just going on what you said) I feel that I somewhat have the "experience" to say this because one of my ex's was an alcoholic who I broke up with many times because of the drinking; and if he had stopped drinking and showed me he was serious about it than our relationship would have turned out differently.

On that note, you should certainly seek out AA or some other support group/counseling so you can get your drinking issues under control and find out the reasons behind the drinking. Doing that will be critical in how all the other parts of your life operate, including your relationship with your b/f and daughter. It sounds like you are doing well, but we all need a little help when dealing with lifes major problems!

I hope this email helped even a little. I wish you luck with everything - and am pulling for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: sonjen02
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:24am

Hi and welcome,


I agree with the other poster, if the only reason he's given is because of the drinking, then there's no reason why you couldn't have a happy relationship with him once you've dealt with that issue.


But--


....."He has told me he isn't in love with me anymore and that I have said before I'm not going to drink that much anymore.".....

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
In reply to: sonjen02
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 6:45pm
Thank you for your excellent feedback waterworks2007. I have found a cute little house to rent and I will be moving August 1st. My b/f hasn't changed his mind about me moving, so I will continue with my new path..a sober one. I have to sign a years lease, so that will give us time to see where the relationship will go. I'm not into playing games, but I feel that once I leave the house he should be the one to put forth the effort if he wants to see me. He knows I love him and this wouldn't be my choice if I had helped myself before all of this. Do you think this is the right way to approach it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
In reply to: sonjen02
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 9:52pm

I am glad to be of help, I am happy to return the favor to the board in general where I have gotten help myself.

Congrats on your new home; think of this new home as a fresh start, a symbol of your new sober life! Moving can be a great way to make a fresh start (I am moving August 1 too, and hope that its a new start for me too!)

I cant in all honesty say that I ENTIRELY agree with your approach on making him put forth the effort if he wants to see you. On the one hand, its the drinking that has caused the rift so logically it should be YOU who is proving to him that you have changed/eliminated the drinking. Yet on the other, when a person is making changes the other person needs to acknowledge that and be thankful and receptive when those changes occur.

I think the best attitude for you to have is to tell him something to the effect that in the coming year you are going to make X, Y, Z changes in your life so that you can improve your life and try and save the relationship. You could make a non-pressure-ish statement like "You know that I love you, and it would mean a lot to me if you would stay in my life through the year so that I can prove to you that I am changing." I would hope that saying those things would make him want to be supportive of your efforts in the best way he knows how.

I know that getting and remaining sober is huge and having love life woes on top is not ideal, but try to focus on your sobriety as #1 - because as I have seen with friends who have gone through it, the sobriety -- which is what makes everything in your life better -has to come first.

You've already come a month or so - I know you can do it! and I am pulling for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2006
In reply to: sonjen02
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 6:55pm

You give the best advice and thank you so very much. I have added you to my friends list and I will keep you abreast of my situation. I'm looking forward to my new little house and continuing with my new sober life.

Cheers,
Jen