Really conflicted...help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Really conflicted...help me
3
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 9:14am

Hi all! As I wrote earlier this week, I have been feeling like a lousy ex-gf because I have not contacted my ex in a month. I have these overwhelming emotions. I keep thinking that he thinks I gave up on us and that I don't care(even though he was the to do the breaking up).

I am not sure if it stems from the fact that the guy I was with before him, when we broke up we talked for almost two years after we broke up and only stopped contact once I started seeing my most recent ex.

I care for this man more than I have cared for anyone and I don't want him to think otherwise. I bought a card at the store this morning that simply says, "Thinking of You".
I really want to send it but not sure if I should. I don't know what I expect from sending it other than to let him know that he is still in my thoughts.

So my question to the board is(actually a couple):

Does he know I still care or because we have had no contact does he think I don't?
Should I send the card?
Am I going crazy?(this one is half a joke because sometimes I really think I am)

Nugirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 11:07am

You know, I've bought a lot of books recently on breakups, dealing with "out of control" emotions and meditation (trying to center myself, blah blah)...one of the things that one of the books mentioned ("Letting Go," I think) that I thought was really interesting is that during our breakups we all will get the urge to call, talk to, send cards to (yes, it specifically mentioned cards), see, etc., our exes. While the conventional wisdom is to NOT do these things, the book actually suggested just going ahead and doing them--but evaluating your motivations behind doing them--and then just moving on with your life. Not guilting yourself for the action (whatever it was), not obsessing and so forth. Now, this doesn't mean call, talk to, send cards to, or see this person 20x a day, the point is to take a real hard look at why you feel so compelled to take said actions, and what you think taking said actions will do for you.

What will sending card do for you? What will it accomplish?
What are you afraid of (in both the sending and the not sending)?
Why do you *really* want to send the card?

Just some things to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 11:31am

hi,

I just have a few questions...

If you two have broken up, why do you want to remain in contact w/him? Or better yet, why did you buy him a card that says thinking about you?

I'm not sure what the circumstances of your break-up was but if you want to get over him, the best way is to have No Contact. I know that its easier said than done, but I too went back and forth about wanting/not wanting to talk to my ex and it wasn't until I had decided that enough was enough that I actually told him not to call me any more.

In order for your heart to heal, you have to distance yourself from the pain. Otherwise, you're just going to keep being conflicted and nothing will change.

Good luck and keep us posted.
E.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 12:43pm

You are not conflicted, you are desperate and heartbroken. You want to try any little thing to get him to notice, realize, or want you back. HE BROKE UP WITH YOU> HE DOESN"T WANT TO GET BACK, and no little card will change his mind.
Send it, call him, obsess, pine over him. When you are done, then you will be done, and can begin to heal. Until then , you are going to try every way you can to tell yourself whatever it takes to continue to keep him in your life in some way. You can keep him there, be his friend, run after crumbs everytime he feeds them to you. But is that the way you want to live? Always wanting something you can't have? No contact is not a solution, it's what you need to keep if you are ready to let go. You are not ready.

I wasn't either, I did the cards, texts, calls, all of it, he rejected me over and again, started dating and broke up again, he began other relationships, was willing to have sex with me tho, put me on the back burner, called me when he wanted but was too busy for me. After months and months of this, I finally had enough too. I'm not saying your ex will do this stuff to you, but he did break up with you. He might be dating others. If you feel the need to let him know that you are still in pain over this and think the world of him, than do it. Realize when you are ready to heal, you start back at day one everytime. And expect that he might ignore, or humiliate you as well, and worst of all, he could keep you hanging on with no promises. Would you want him to be with you because he feels sorry for you? Best of luck