Really confused, please help!
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| Wed, 09-21-2005 - 5:16pm |
Hi,
I posted here a couple of weeks ago after my BF of three years and I had a huge falling out. We've been having a LOT of problems getting along over the past year and because we live together, have tried numerous times to work things out. The weekend before Labor Day was our last huge fight and I decided at that time that I'd had enough. I was miserable, depressed and he scared the crap out of me. I realized that we were at a breaking point and decided that I needed to get away. I went home and I finally confessed to friends/family about what was going on between us. I was so angry with him for hurting me that I think I completely villified him. I really aired out all of our dirty laundry and probably chronicled just about every hurtful thing he's ever said or done to me.
Some of my friends admitted that they were suspicious of this all along and urged me to get out immediately. I have also been seeing a therapist for the past year who is aware of the situation. In my last session with her she basically instructed me to leave as well and told me that he is a "con artist." It hurt so much to hear her call him that (it was also kind of a red flag - should a therapist say something like that?), despite how much he's hurt me. She told me that there is a definite pattern of emotional abuse and that in order to be "safe" I have to move on.
True to her theory, we are in the "happy couple" cycle right now and things between us are okay. We spent a lot of time apart at first (almost a full two weeks) but he recently returned to our apartment. I wouldn't say that he is romancing me with a dozen roses daily, but having him back feels really good. Also, during our time apart, I did a lot of soul searching and decided to make some serious changes for myself - not just for the sake of our relationship. I bought a car (used to rely on him all of the time for rides) and reached out to friends to ask for support so that I wouldn't be so isolated in my relationship anymore. I have been spending a lot of time with them, which has been so great and helped me to realize that I need to reconnect with the social, fun woman inside of me. I also started taking a grad school class, which I had registered for before our fight, and it has proven to be very theraputic. I'm proud of the positive changes I made so quickly and I'm confident that it will help me to pull out of the depression I've been feeling for months (about life in general, not just our relationship) but part of me is secretly hoping that my newfound independence will also help our relationship. My BF also got into counseling and has gone to three sessions to talk about his anger problem. I guess I'm starting to feel hopeful that we can work things out - but I'm also being pulled by my friends/family in the opposite direction to leave. I know that right now, they absolutely can't stand him and I feel so guilty about what I've done to damage these relationships. How could he possibly ever face my parents again after what I've told them? Also, deep inside of me, there are still a lot of trust issues since I'm very familiar with the "romance" period where he is on very good behavior to make up for treating me like crap. I am not totally convinced that he will continue to control his rage. Basically, I'm living in limbo and don't know what to do. I feel completely split in half and I'm embarassed to admit this to anyone since they seem so aggressive about wanting to see me end it.
I just don't know what to do or where to go at this point. If you've read all of this and have any advice, I would love to hear from you!
Thanks,
Sully

I think it was absolutely appropriate for your therapist to say that about him if that is how she sees him based on what you've told her over the course of a year. Why wouldn't it be? Do you really want a therapist who only tells you what you want to hear? You may as well just burn the money you're paying if so.
Have you read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft? I think it would be very beneficial.
As far as your friends and family, if you do decide to stick it out (which I think you know would be a mistake, but sometimes you have to keep making mistakes until you're ready to go), you can tell them that he is addressing his issues in counseling.
Sheri
Hi sully....I remember your post...i remember relating to you because you were talking about starting a new life without your boyfriend and how scary it was because you became attached/dependant on him in so many ways and lost a part of yourself....and that's what happened to me....although my ex was not abusive in any way.
I don't know what he has done to you exactly because you didn't mention it in this post and i don't remember if you mentioned it in your first post....but, i do think it's a good sign that he is going to therapy, atleast he's taking the first step in working on himself...which in turn will hopefully help the relationship....sometimes or actually a lot of times it's our own issues that we leave neglected, that when we come together as a couple cause problems in the relationship...I also think it's great that you are making changes in your life to, to gain your independance and "identity" back...because sometimes it's really hard NOT to lose your own identity or "self" when you are in a relationship, especially when you live together...as in your case and mine....I totally know how that feels...so in turn, with you making changes in your life...and him making changes in his, will hopefully mend/strengthen/your relationship....I sometimes wish that i had taken more time to soul search, work on myself.......going to therapy(couple/individual), found my own life, and my identity while i was with my ex....i sometimes wish i put more thought into it before i decided to break up....i wish i knew about this board then....I don't know if it would have made a difference, but i always wonder...or if things are meant to happen, is it then inevetable, and it will happnen..i don't know, but i do know that regret is definately something you don't want....so as much as people say "leave" and point the finger at him, you do what is best for you, and don't worry about what other people want, because again, you don't want to look back and say that you made a life altering decision because you followed what others wanted instead of what you want.
I hope that things do work out between the two of you, but at the same time, i do believe that sometimes people need to part in order to grow individually....which i believe, or would like to believe happened in my case...Like i mentioned earlier, a lot of times it's our own issues we bring into the relationship which get even more neglected when we are with someone, therefore, in some cases people need to go seperate ways in order to really heal and grow individually.
I just want to say one last thing......I hope that your intensions for making changes to yourself is really for yourself, and not just for the relationship...i know you said it is, and i think that's really great...i also want to say that i hope your intensions for sticking it out and trying to make this relationship work is really because you think there is a possibility and ofcourse love etc.... i just hope that it's just not because you're afraid of letting go and being alone...because if that is the reason...that will haunt you and eat you up inside and it will definately cause problems in the relationship.
You'll be in thoughts and prayers...take care.