This really hurts

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
This really hurts
4
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 5:25pm
My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for years. We keep coming back together and everytime it feels like we get closer to really making it work- then out of the blue, it ends. We had an awful fight last night and after I left his house he tried calling me four times but I was already so hurt I couldn't bring myself to pick up. He hasn't called at all today. I don't know what to do. I guess my common sense would say to just let him go but he has always been such a big part of my life, it just feels unimaginable to cut ties. We can't just be friends though. Things seemed to be going fine lately but in the past week, we saw friends get married, found out a close couple of friends are pregnant and, last week I was offered a job making more money than him. I don't know if these things set him off but last night he was suddenly telling me that he thought I wanted more out of this relationship than he did and from there it just got out of control. I feel terrible. I know the smart thing is to let go but I don't know how to do this without feeling miserable all the time. Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 9:06pm

I don't know how old you are, but it seems that if you have been going back and forth for years without resolving whatever your issues are then maybe its just not meant to be. You mentioned that you went to a wedding and found out another couple is pregnant. These things very well may have caused your boyfriend to panic. While this is a common reaction, it is not an excuse. If he is that scared of commitment then it is a pretty clear sign of where his head is.

If you know that the smart thing is to let go, then maybe you realize deep down that this isn't going to work out. If you do end things, I'm sure you will be sad and lonely for a while. Unfortunately there aren't any shortcuts - at least none that any of us here have found. But short-term pain is better than a lifetime of misery.

Good luck - let us know what happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 1:43am

Unfortunately leaving him will hurt. There is no way around that.

Go with your gut, not your heart. Dont go back to him because you dont want to feel the pain, go back because you have hope you can work this out with him. If there is hope, then talk to him. If you decide there is no hope, then perhaps its time to accept it and move on. Its up to you.

Im so sorry to say that this will be very difficult for you. But big life choices such as this affect our very being, so they usually are. Its a bummer really.

All the best with this.

Donna




Edited 9/19/2005 1:54 am ET ET by sasifrazed
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 10:53am
My bf and I were off and on for 6 1/2 years. He would leave come back leave come back. It finally clicked with me that we were not meant to be. I am ok with being broke up now because I had reached my point. You just need to get to that point. Everytime we broke up I was a mess and would let him come back but this time I feel ok with all of it. You will never meet Mr Right if Mr Wrong is in your life. I also feel I had lost a lot of self esteem and couldnt let go. This time I am looking forward finding the person I was before we met. There is a whole new world out there for you. Weather you want him back or not it is best to let him go. If he really wants to be with you he will move mountains to get you back. Once you move on with your life he may see that and do what it takes to make your relationship work. But as long as you keep letting him come back you will never fix the issues that lead to the break up in the first place. I pray that you feel better and your not alone. Keep busy and get a life for YOU!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 2:12pm
Thanks for the kind thoughts! It really does help to talk to someone who understands the whole long term back and forth thing. It's so hard to let go of someone who has been such a big part of your life. We did talk and he's going through this manchild meltdown where he doesn't want anything too serious and thinks we need to take a few steps back. I think I'll have to agree with you on the letting him go and if he's really worth it he'll move mountains to come back. If he wants space, he should probably have it. A lot of it. I know it will be tough at times but me agreeing to his terms is only feeding his ego and committment issues and then there's that old but true "having your cake and eating it too" scenario that I think he's hoping for. I would love to think that some day we would be exactly at the same place at the same time but maybe I'll find someone else in the process that doesn't need to "find himself" before he can really be with me. Thanks again!!