this really isn't easy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
this really isn't easy
9
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 6:07pm

i'm just so frustrated with myself. sometimes i feel really, really good and optimistic, and i'm even somewhat relieved that it's over with my ex. but then i hit times like this weekend. today i broke down crying in the shower. and the thing is, it isn't that i even really want to hear from him (it's been no contact for two weeks, haven't seen each other in a month). i don't really have anything to say to him. but i just have all of this sadness about it, about how differently i wanted things to be. how i wished we'd been ok together. it just hurts so much sometimes.

so i've been trying to be strong and think about it all in a healthy way. i've been talking to other guys, even had a plan to go out with one today. then he calls beforehand and says that he has something he thinks he should tell me before we go out. he has a four-year-old daughter. i'm really glad he told me, and it isn't really a big deal to me. but the point is this -- when he told me, i almost started crying for some reason, and i started to miss my ex. and then i started thinking "what am i doing, am i even ready to date." and in addition to this, the thought of any guy touching me or kissing me, other than my ex, repulses me somewhat....is that normal? when will i get over that? it's so horrid and frustrating to be trying to get over my ex and yet still thinking about how comfortable i was with him physically and not knowing if i'll ever find that again...i know there's no set timeframe for this, but am i even normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 6:39pm

I am in the same boat as you, so either we are both normal, or both just complete wrecks. I keep doing the same thing, like this weekend I tried to go out with my girlfriends for St. Pattys, and all I could do was think about him, and how I missed him and how I just wanted to be back together or at least feel like he is in my life. I almost started crying at the bar because of the music they were playing. I completely feel the same way and you know what...it's ok to cry, and ok to break down. I know it is what I plan on doing for a while, and if you aren't ready to go out on dates, then that is ok too. I am nervous about the physical stuff too for my own reasons, with another guys, and thinking of it makes me want to scream, but I know that we will get through this eventually. As much as your friends may tell you, "Ok it's time to move on, go hook up with someone" it's soooo much easier said then done and you are allowed to feel this way. Time does heal, but there is no time frame.

Hope this helps! I know just knowing others are in as much pain and sadness as me makes me feel better. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 7:02pm

For what it's worth, I'm sitting here crying too. I hate him so much one minute and the next I'm crying because I miss him. He already has a profile up on amateurmatch.com so he must not be hurting too much.

Why does this have to be so hard?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 7:14pm
unfortunatly the only answer that I have gotten is that it's life, and it happens. Then there are all the cliche answers, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", and "Everything happens for a reason."...I guess time will tell if we will be ok in the end....but right now I tell ya, it doesn't feel that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 7:19pm
I know it will be OK eventually -- I just wish eventually would hurry up and be here now. I know that he is not the one for me. I know that I'm better off without him. I just wish I didn't feel so rotten. He told a friend last night that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him -- so then why is he such a jerk and why is he on amateurmatch.com instead of trying to get things right between us? Anyone have a xanax?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 8:34pm
You're normal. Everything you wrote is normal. Everyone deals with grief in different ways. Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 9:10pm

I'm right with you. Do men go through this at all and maybe they are just better hiding it?
My weekend pretty much sucked. I tried to do things to keep me busy. I even went to get a facial thinking that would make me feel a bit better (should have gone for the pedicure:)). It worked for maybe an hour. The worst is that pit that I have in my stomach and waving between emotions. I'm either feeling more confident, sad, or angry that I basically wasted 5 years of my life. Now, I just have to get back to happy.

There is also the fear of being alone. Most of my friends are married and are now on their way to having children. Therefore, going to the bars is not really an option. I'm not even sure how to meet someone new, not that I want to anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 11:32pm

I'm really lucky right now because I'm not going through it as I have so many times before. Well, it feels like so many times because it hurts so badly but it's really only a few relationships that run so deep they hurt so long, you know?

What I've noticed is that, once you've shed all the tears in your heart and your mind is not as reluctant to move on, the fastest way to start feeling better is to flirt with other guys and remember that you "still got it"! Now days you can do it online, in your old, raggedy sweatpants with a facial mask on while your nails dry. :)

Listen to music - not the painful music that makes you start crying all over again but the Brittany Spears, "Stronger", Destiny's Child, "Independant" and "Survivor" and so on. Watch movies about empowered women and inside of telling yourself, "I miss him, I miss him", use that little voice to say, "I can do this", "I'm better than him" and so on. If you tell yourself over and over then you'll start believing it...then you can act on it...then you can heal.

I've also found that pouring my energy into work or a hobby really helps - especially one that makes money or helps others in some way. Volunteering at a local shelter or children's hospital, for instance, will really put things in perspective.

Lastly, get a puppy if you can and don't have one. Of course, only if you'll keep it forever :) but oh man, I have three dogs and they have saved my life more times than I can count!

I just found a cool site that goes over stuff like this and this Question/Answer in particular may be helpful: http://www.girlsaskguys.com/Questions/q62p1.html.

I wish you all luck! Now, get on iTunes or your CD Player and start jamming out to music...dance around your living room, eat raw cookie dough, play with a puppy, watch funny movies, throw darts at his picture, and keep posting on forums. You're not alone and we're all pulling for you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 10:58am

Oh girl, can I totally relate to this...I did good - 3 days of NC - then Friday I get home and there is a message for HIM on my machine regarding his business...so I called him to tell him - of course, he's screening his calls so I have to leave a message.

I saw him on Saturday - I attend counseling every Sat morning and had a 'breakthrough' of sorts - and felt that I needed to see him to apologize to him for some things that happened in the relationship...we talked for about 15 minutes - I had been crying all morning and wasn't feeling good about myself at all. I think we are both working on the no contact thing, but him talking to me put me back to day 1. Of course, when I left, he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek - now I don't know what to think of that. I know this weekend will be worse, because it's my birthday on Saturday and I will be home alone on Friday night...I KNOW I am going to want to talk to him, but I know I shouldn't. I'm just so sick of this tug-of-war with my heart and mind. I want it to all just go away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 11:18am

Yes, men go through this too. It's where I am right now.

I love her so so much, I cannot think of anything but her. She doesn't want to be with me anymore and it hurts so much. One minute, I go from, I miss her so bad to, I hate her and I am glad she dumped me.
I wish we could get back together and I would be a different person. She ended it because, I called her kids names. I love her kids but why did I call them names? Basically, I was a big jerk to her for not being nice to her children. A woman's children are the most meaningful thing in life, and I messed it up big time by treating them and her without any respect.
I've enrolled in a class, suggested by my therapyst, to help me with this issue. I just wish I could wake up and all this would just go away, but I know it cannot happen this way. I person must learn from their mistakes and I need to learn because of this major major mistake on my part.
We spent almost four years together. Lots of wonderful times.
I love her so deeply and miss her. She is in Florida right now, on vacation with her sisters and mom.

All it takes is time. Time heals all.

Rob