This is really LONG!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
This is really LONG!
3
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 4:14am

I kind of accidentally stumbled across this board. I started writing about my ex and our issues and I just kept writing and writing and writing. SO....if you don't like to read novels please don't read this! :) I just haven't really talked to many people about this and it felt really good to vent.

I met my now ex boyfriend on my birthday in March. From the start I thought he was such a good guy. I am very much so attracted to him in so many ways. He is very physically attractive. He is sensitive and treated me so well. I really thought that I could see a future between us. I was so wrong.

There were many times that I should have pushed him to tell me more about himself. Shortly after we started dating, he told me that his last serious relationship ended in November. He was with her for almost 7 years. She had sex with his best friend. He left her and now lives on his own. He was always very guarded when I tried to talk about her with him. I should have insisted that he tell me about her but I didn‘t want to be too pushy. He would talk about her every once in a while and say that he just wished she would disappear. But, he would still talk to her on the phone on a pretty regular basis. I was understanding of that because he said that before they were "together" they were good friends and that he didn't feel like he could just forget about her all together despite what she did to him. I didn't think too much of it because I still talk to my ex. No big deal, right?

Everything was so good between us. He treated me better than I have EVER been treated by a guy. He would do such romantic things with me. I started to worry about him because he was having a lot of stress with work and personal relationships (family, friends, etc.). He actually cried in front of me, which I was amazed at. I was almost flattered that he was so trusting and comfortable with me that he would cry in front of me and not be embarrassed. He wouldn't tell me why he was crying, just that he was scared. I told him that I would like him to feel as though he can talk to me, but that if he didn't want to talk, that was fine too. I let him cry on my shoulder for an hour. The last night I saw him we shared a bottle of wine and drove up to a ledge and looked at the city lights. He talked to me about how over the weekend we could spend our time in a cabin together, and how he was going to take me out to eat at a nice restaurant. He gave me no indication that things weren't ok.

We went to lunch the next day and that was the last time I saw him. Again, he gave me no indication that things weren’t ok. I called him that night and he was stuck at work but said we would hang out the next night. I called him the next night and he told me that he was super busy with work and that he wasn't feeling well because he was having so much stress. He promised me we would hang out Saturday. On Saturday night he wouldn't answer my calls. I was SO worried about him because it's not like him to not answer his phone, and I was especially worried after he told me how upset and stressed out he was. By Sunday I started to get scared and really upset. I was convinced that I had done something to upset him. I finally got him to spit it all out the next week through a text message conversation (how lame!). He said that he really cared about me and that he wasn't going to say that he didn't want to date me anymore but that him and his ex had some issues to work out. I was so upset about this, especially after letting him keep in contact with her. I felt so dumb for having this happen. He said that he needed the space and he wasn't sure what was going to happen between him and his ex, or him and me. I tried to be good and said that I would give him his space. He promised me that he would keep me updated. He promised he would let me know if he and his ex got back together.

A few weeks passed and I hadn't heard from him. I had called quite a few times and left messages but he didn't respond. The only time he responded to my texts, it was with a "leave me alone" reply. I was so hurt. I had left some things at his apartment and I really wanted them back. I sent him a message asking when I could get my things back, and told him if he didn't respond that I was just going to show up at his house. He never responded so I showed up and he wasn’t there. I tried calling and he didn't answer. I left him a nasty message saying that I just wanted my things back. I went to leave his apartment complex and saw his car in the parking lot of a bar down the street. I was so mad! He was obviously avoiding me. I drove up to his car and parked by it and sent him a text saying, “you want to play games? I’m sitting out by your car. Come outside” He got upset and called me crazy and I told him I wasn’t. I said I just wanted my things back. He said that I was pissing his girl off and I better leave. I called and whoever he was with answered his phone. She said that I could come get my stuff anytime, and that she would be home all day tomorrow. So, I assumed that I was speaking to his ex. So I asked if they were back together and what happened between him and me and she said that I just wasn’t his type. So I got mad and said, Some one who sleeps with his friends is his type? She responded and said, “He’s not with his ex-wife. This isn’t his ex this is Lindsay.” I was so confused because one, I didn’t know he was ever married, and two, who the heck is Lindsay and why is she answering his phone? She said that he was seeing someone else. I was so mad I was shaking. I told her that I would come get my stuff later in the week. She said fine and that was that. I was so convinced that whoever I was talking to was his ex-wife and that she was just playing it off so that I wouldn’t come in the bar and try to beat her up or something. I was so confused. Why would she have told me that she would be home all day if she wasn’t living with him? It didn’t make sense.

Later in the week, my friend Kim called Rob to see what the deal was. For whatever reason he answered when she called - yet, he never answers when I call. He said that he had tried to work things out with his ex-wife but that things didn’t work out. He said that he was single now and enjoying a little time to himself. She yelled at him that he could have just been straight with me from the start and that this whole mess could be history. All he would say is that he was a s**t bag. He said that he felt that me and him were getting too serious. Whatever that is supposed to mean.

So, Kim and I go down to his apartment to get my things (he told us it was ok to come down). I knock on the door and he doesn’t answer. His car is outside and his light is on. We are so mad that we came all the way down there and now he’s not answering. We try to call, knock, everything and he doesn’t answer. After a little while we leave. We’re almost home and he sends me a message that my stuff is outside his door, and that he was sleeping when we came by earlier. We are ticked but turn back around and back to his place. I go to grab my stuff and I hear a radio on really loud and a girl in his apartment. She is singing to the radio really loud. I’m thinking, OK right, you were sleeping 20 minutes ago, but now the radio is blasting and some chick is there singing to it. I was so mad. We started banging on the door but he wouldn't answer. I mostly wanted my clippers back (he failed to leave them outside with the rest of my things) but I was wanting to confront him also. He wouldn’t answer and actually started banging on the door back at me. He sent me nasty texts telling me to F off and leave. I just wanted my clippers.

He called the cops on me. The cop told me that I was borderline harassing him because I was on property where I didn’t live. He said that it was stupid of me to risk harassment charges over some toe nail clippers. It was the principal of it though that I was upset about. People who don't respect me don't deserve to have things that belong to me. He said that if I pushed the issue that he would have to take me to jail overnight. So we left. I did not see Rob (my ex). I actually don’t even think he knew that the police had showed up when we left. We weren’t being that loud or rowdy. For the most part we were just standing outside trying to hear him and whoever this girl was talk. She sounded like she was some sort of booty call girl for him. I heard her ask him if he wanted to be with her. He also said something about having baggage with an ex-wife and ex-girlfriend. It was so weird.

I get all the way home and he sends me a text asking if I feel better. I yelled at him that he almost got me arrested. What proceeded was almost two hours of texting back and forth. The majority of the messages were angry. He said not to date car salesmen because they’re a**holes. I argued that he shouldn’t act like I was no good for him. I was the best thing in his life and he pushed me away. I asked why he made such extravagant plans (the cabin, dinner, etc) if he wanted nothing to do with me. He didn’t have much to say. I finally said that, “Don’t act like I was no good for you. Do I need to remind you of your recent experiences with women? Didn’t you have an wife and child at one point? (He had never told me that he had a kid. This was somewhat of a lucky guess) And tonight, fighting with two different women (me, and the singing girl). He got upset about that and replied, “Stace, I’m sorry I care about you and I didn’t tell you a lot and I didn’t want to fall so fast so quick. I needed to come clean”. I responded, “Why did you push me away then if you care about me so much?” He responded, “I’m not divorced yet I’m a s**t bag and I have a beautiful daughter named Taylor. Please let me be an a** and don’t write me back.” I wrote back, “Everyone has their dirt. I think it’s weird that you’re not divorced yet.” He finally called me then. He asked if I was ok and I said yes. I told him that I didn���t understand. He said that he misses me and he cares about me and that he thinks I’m beautiful. I told him that I wanted details. He said that everything he told me was true. He was with his ex for almost 7 years and she cheated on him. He was crying so it took a long time for him to spit things out. He said that he then fell in love with another woman. I just kept telling him that I didn’t understand. All of the sudden he said he would call me right back. He then sent me a text saying that the girl who can’t sing was throwing up. He said that it was a long story and that he would call me the next day.

It’s been 5 days now and I still haven ‘t talked to him. I’ve sent him a text which he replied to saying that he would text me the next day, which he never did.

I miss him so much. I’m not even that mad at him. I just want him back. He is the best thing that has happened to me lately. I think I’m crazy. He is married and has a child. He lied to me. It’s so confusing though. I have the full gamut of emotions. One minute he’s calling the cops on me. The next minute he’s crying and telling me how much he misses me. What’s stupid is that I hang on to little glimpses of hope. He said that he’s not divorced YET, so there’s hope. It actually doesn’t bother me that he has a child. I want to meet her. When I think about it I think about what a great father he must be (yet I also get mad that he would keep her a secret, like he’s ashamed of her) and how I bet that she looks just like her daddy. Why do I do that? I should be furious with him and want nothing to do with him! And the girl who can’t sing! - who is she?? They are obviously having some sort of relationship that is more than just friends. What is that? - he said he wasn’t seeing anyone.

When I talked to him on the phone he said that his life was a train wreck right now and that he was a mess. He said that he felt like he had no soul left, that it had been ripped to shreds. Kim thinks he’s just trying to get sympathy from me.

There was something there with him that I have never felt before with anyone else. There was obviously instant chemistry.

I tried to call him tonight and his phone has been temporarily disconnected. He has trouble paying his bills. I am so sad without him. I have not dated a lot and before I found out all this drama and baggage about him I was so impressed with myself that I had found someone so good. It’s going to be so hard to find someone who I feel the same way about again.

I had sex with him after only knowing him for a week. It felt so right though. He is only the second guy I have ever been with but the sex was amazing! He was so focused on me and meeting my desires. He was always so sensitive and caring.

Part of me wants to believe that what he says is true. That he may have gone into our relationship thinking that it was going to be some sort of rebound fling. Then all of the sudden he realizes that he has strong feelings for me and that he is majorly falling for me. So he starts to freak out because there is so much he has not told me or lied to me about. He is afraid of losing me. So he freaks and pushes me away and tries to make things work with his ex but fails miserably. I want him back. I am crazy.

That night that I let him cry on my shoulder I wonder what he was actually crying about? His ex? Me? Confusion over what to do?

What is really dumb about all this is that we were only together for about a month and a half! I don’t know where these super strong feelings are coming from. Is it possible that I am in love? I am in love with the man I met and know I am struggling with how I can not love him anymore, despite who he has turned out to be? I can think of no other explanations for my feelings.. I still can picture us back together. I feel like I have so much to offer him. Trust, loyalty, honesty, love. One thing I always thought when we were together is that I wanted to be everything his ex was not.

I left him a message the other day telling him that I was willing to put everything on hold that deals with me and him if he just needed some one to talk to. I told him that it was obvious that he was hurting and that, if nothing else, I could offer him my friendship. I told him that I cared about him a lot and that I was worried about him. He never called.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I think he may never want to see or talk to me again. What I don’t understand is why he doesn’t see how lucky he is that I am still willing to be around. He is lucky I didn’t just give up on him. So, why does he still push me away? He’s got to see that I care about him. It’s obvious since I am still here after all the drama, and lies.

I still do really think that deep down he is a good guy. I think that he means well and that this relationship just turned into a big mess.

What a long drama filled post this has turned out to be. I guess I am just looking for some objective opinions. My family and friends all think I'm crazy to want him back. What do you all think?

So sorry this post was so long!

Stacey

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 10:45am

I don't know you, I've never met you, and chances are, after my post, I will never correspond with you again. However, what I do know is that NO ONE deserves to be lied to, mislead, humiliated and treated like the emotional punching bag the way this man has treated you.

It is no wonder your post was as long as it was, with as much detail as was included: this man has SERIOUS issues, and such spilled into your life, and your well being as well.

I can understand still having feelings, and wanting to believe that, deep down inside, he is a good guy who is going through a tough time, and is a bit messed up. But stand back and consider, just for a moment, what you would be thinking if it were not you in the relationship, but perhaps a friend of yours - look at the relationship from an outsiders perspective, void of emotion. Would you honestly want your friend to go back for more, or even waste one more second of her time trying to figure out what this guy has already proven of himeself?

If you go back, you are setting a standard for what you will tolerate in a relationship. If you don't go back, and simply move on with your life, you are also proving the same: you are much better than how he treated you, and you have more to give to a person than he ever will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 11:31am

Welcome Stacey,


I am so sorry you've been treated this way! This quote from your post really stood out to me:


"I feel like I have so much to offer him. Trust, loyalty, honesty, love."


I am sure you do

-----------------------------------

"You get what you settle for"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 4:34pm

Ok, yeah that is alot of drama, i'm sorry sweetie, but way too much for anyone! And you just met this guy. You fell for him early on but he's got so many women in his life, I lost track who he's with. I think you want to love this guy, but you don't even know him. Where was this child when you were seeing him? I wish you would step back and take a deep breath. This guy isn't in love. He's sleeping with some chic who can't sing, isn't over his ex, and talking to you, when he's not calling the cops on you? He let HER get on HIS phone to tell YOU off? And it was ok if it was his ex, but you got upset that it wasn't her but yet another girlfriend?

Stacey, listen, you are hurt, I know, but don't talk to this guy. You don't need this. Matter of fact, he's not offering anything really. He's sleeping around and endangering all of you. He's cursed at you to leave. You did come across as kinda crazy going to his house, and having to deal with the cops? I would be scared to death.

And clippers? Why would you have so much stuff at his place after 1 and half months? I'm not trying to be mean at all, I just don't get it? Sleeping with him early happens, but did you move in? In his place you didn't notice pictures of a little one? Or a room for them? Toys, Disney videos, games, anything? So I question being a good father, like visitation? Child support?
Seriously, the lies, the deception, the women, the cursing, the cops. It's too much! Run away, run run run. A good relationship will not start out like this, and go WAY SLOWER hon. Way slower! Be safe, let this one go.