Really need help...dying here...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Really need help...dying here...
5
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 10:24am

I am dying here.

I've been lurking here for about a month, but I had to post today. I have no one else to turn to, no one else to talk to. I'm so alone.

My boyfriend of almost two years broke up with me about a month ago. He was the love of my life. I can't even explain the connection we have, it's beyond anything I've ever known. We were like two lost souls that found each other...he was the best thing in my life. He made life worth living, for me. He understood me, no one else ever has.

We had problems, we fought a lot, mostly on my part. I have major issues, and I caused us some problems. He always was so supportive of me though, always willing to work with me, to try and help me get better...always understanding of the way I acted. And then he left. Said he couldn't take it anymore, that he had enough. I'm so lost. We've seen each other a couple of times over the month apart, and it always gave me this faint glimmer of hope but always ended in my rejection. He really doesn't want to be with me. How could he have said all those things to me? Made all those promises? I'm so fragile and I'm just breaking right now.

He says he still loves me and that he always will, but that he can't be with me anymore. This hurts more than anything anyone can ever imagine. I feel as though I just can't get on with life. Everything is so empty without him. My life feels like nothing because he was the one element that brought joy to my life. He made me so happy and made me see things so differently. I can't take not being with him.

I attempted the no contact thing after trying to be friends didn't work (obviously...stupid idea on my part), and now I'm regretting it so much. I asked him to leave me alone and let me heal and now he won't respond to my emails or phone calls. It's so hard. I love him more than anything. I try to avoid him, but everywhere I turn, I see signs of him. He's in everything, he's everywhere. I can't stop checking all his online profiles that I know he's still using (my only way of checking up on him) and he has our picture posted there, one of him kissing me and another one that I just think is so beautiful. He has things written about me in his profile (nice things) and it just hurts so much to see it. I'm so confused...and so broken.

I don't know where to go from here.

I have no one to go to for support, and I have a hard time getting to any sort of counselling or anything as I don't drive and I have two little kids. I know the latter makes this entire message sound so horribly selfish, I do love my kids, but they are not enough to make me happy. It's so bad...I've been spending so much time in my room crying and asking them to leave me alone (they are 7 and 3)...my poor babies. I'm so awful.

I just feel like I want to die. I don't know how to cope. I can't see there ever being any light at the end of the tunnel. No man will ever compare to Martin...no one will ever come close. I know everyone says this, but he really was different. A thousand times sweeter and more compassionate and understanding than any other man.

How do I go on living? I know I have to for the girls, I could never hurt them like that....I just don't know what to do.

Please...if there's anyone out there, I really need someone to talk to.

Sorry this is so long...

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 11:41am

Okay...take a deep breath. I promise you this is going to be okay.

You may have a difficult time getting to a therapist or counseling of any sort, but you sound as if you are in desperate need for some help...don't you have a friend, or family or even the bus that you can get to someone to help you? I think it's imperative that you figure out how to get some help as soon as possible..especially for the sake of your kids. Do you have any family or even a trusted friend that can possibly take your kids for a few days so that you can have some breathing room?

I know you believe that you can't live without this guy, that your life is essentially over, and that he was the best thing that ever happened to you, but you are going to have to reach deep and realize that none of these things are realistic. Sure, you may have made some mistakes, we all do, but so did he and you can't take sole responsibility for the ending of this relationship.

You are going to hurt for a while, and believe me it's going to hurt like hell. I'm sorry I can't tell you anything different. But I can tell you that it DOES GET EASIER and you WILL be okay. Try to have even just a little bit of faith that you are going to get through this. Most of us on this board have been in the exact same place you are at right now. I know it feels like no one can relate to your pain, and I know it feels like no one in the entire world could possibly be hurting as much as your are, but trust me, you're not alone. We've all been through this to some degree or another.

Force yourself to have No Contact with him, stop reading his profiles to see if he's changed them, stop emailing him, stop calling him, stop text messaging him or whatever means of communication you had with him. That has to be your first goal. Everytime you make any kind of contact, you are going to put yourself right back into the place you are at right now. I know it's hard, but you're going to have to force yourself. It will be hard as hell in the beginning, but it does get easier. The addiction wanes.

Your kids need you, your self needs you right now. So, get out of bed, get out of your room, take a long bath or a hot shower, open up your yellow pages and find someone you can talk to. Don't make ANY excuses why you can't get to someone for help. There are tons of resources out there and alot of them are free..support groups, therapists, etc. Make the call, tell them your situation regarding lack of transportation, or lack of someone to watch the kids...these resources will help you figure out how to make it happen. Take the bus, call a cab, do WHATEVER it takes to get yourself to a better place. Keep posting on this board and other boards. Keep telling yourself that YOU WILL BE OKAY..even if you don't believe it right now. You are going to get through this! I Promise!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 12:03pm

First off, thank you soooo much for responding! I was refreshing the page ever five seconds dying for some sort of feedback...so yes, very much appreciated.

Secondly, thank you so much for your advice. It's so good to hear. I've been reading a lot on here, and I do realize that many people are experiencing something similar to me, it's just nice to get personal feedback.

I am going to try and get some counselling or something...I know it's the only thing I have left. I don't always feel this bad, but when I do, it's horrible and I can't see how things will ever be better. Suicidal thoughts are the first thing to flash through my mind and I do some serious contemplating.

I don't have any friends or family that can help. My mom is very ill and my family is busy with her, I can't bother them with myself. I have drifted away from most of my friends over the years. The only ones left are very busy with their own lives, and I feel like such a drag discussing my issues with them.

But I will look for something...I know that I need more than myself to get through this. I have so many issues with myself and my self-esteem is terrible. I think dealing with my own problems and working on myself will help me heal, but it's so hard to do on my own.

Again, thank you so much. Everything you said is so dead on. I'm going to try the No Contact again...just because I've already failed doesn't mean I can't try again...try harder. I did email him asking that he please take down the profiles (particularly the pictures of US) at the two places I've been checking. He's very reasonable, and I'm hoping that he can do this for me, just so I can be totally clear of him and then try to heal.

And I didn't mean to undermine anyone's feelings with my post...I thought about that after I had already posted it. I know everyone hurts...I guess I just wanted to explain how much of a loner I am and how rare it is for me to really connect with anyone, and so it is very painful for me to lose that. I'm sorry if I offended anyone...

Anyway...thanks again for taking the time to reply...I'm already feeling a bit better. :)

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 12:05pm

Steph,

Stop lurking. You have two beautiful children who needs you right now, and you don't realize it, but you need them...more than ever. Your kids can fill the void and loneliness that you feel from the breakup.

My suggestion to you is to stop blaming yourself. It takes two to break a relationship up. There must have been reasons why you picked fights with him. I used to pick fights with my ex boyfriend all the time because he used to leave his clothes everywhere. He couldn't take my nagging so he left me. But I can't blame myself for his irresponsibility can I?

Secondly, stay STRONG. DO NOT STAY IN CONTACT WITH HIM. The more contact you have with him, the more hopeful you'll feel about getting back with him. My brother told me after my break up that once a man makes a decision on breaking up, there is no going backwards. He's not going to change his mind. STAY STRONG. Stay away from the phone. Stay away from the internet. Stay away from his profile.

Like medicine, my suggestion to you is to tapper off on "him". If you used to check his profile daily, make it a point to only check it every other day, and then every other week. Go at a rate that you're comfortable with.

Do something with that time of yours. DO NOT LURK. Lurking=thinking=over analyzing. Go hang out with friends, take your kids on a trip, rearrange the furniture, decorate the house. When you have done all of that, then you may lurk. :D

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to email me anytime, nnly@uci.edu. I know how it feels, and the only thing I can tell you is that it gets better with time. Good luck honey.

Nina

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 12:28pm

Thank you, Nina!

You're right, I should keep busy. I was totally on the right path in the beginning...I had all these things I was going to do to distract myself. Watch tons of movies, catch up on books, learn a new language...etc. And then I hit this slump and could do nothing but cry, scream, punch the computer screen (lol...not too hard...), and follow him around online. I have to get back to where I was...I need to stay in line.

I'm so worried that I will never find anyone else. I'm young...I'm only 25...I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I thought he was the one...I can't see how anyone else will ever compare. I foolishly made some attempts at getting to know some new men online (as a way to try and distract myself from the pain), and while it felt great at first, just liberating...it soon left me feeling empty. I invited one of them over last night and I actually found myself LOATHING him...he just isn't Martin, not even close.

I just keep holding this small hope that one day down the road (years maybe) our paths will cross and we can be together again. Is it wrong to hope for that? I don't know, myself. I'm so conflicted, because I ask myself whether I would be selling myself short to be with him. Could I ever trust him again, give him my heart...but then, if I work on myself and gain more confidence...oh god...I'm being crazy and rambling here! Sorry...lol

Your advice is wonderful and I really appreciate it. I will try and keep busy and hopefully find someone to talk with. Thanks for the email, offer. It's good to know that I have someone to turn to. :) And now I'm crying again...I'm such an emotional nutcase...

You ladies here are just so sweet to take time out and help!

Thanks again, Nina.

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 1:07pm

God...I feel like a nerd responding after my own post...but I feel so awful.

He responded to my email asking him to remove the pictures on his profiles and he was very angry and said some mean things...but things I know are true. I'm so hurt and just dying...he thinks so terribly of me, he was the only person that ever thought I had potential and it hurts so much to know that is gone.

I can't take it...I love him so much. I need him...I really do. I'm gonna die without him.

I don't know where to go from here...