Really Sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
Really Sad
51
Sun, 03-30-2008 - 11:47pm

Hello

Found this site yesterday as I was looking for help to make me strong. I have been married for 22 years and yesterday my husband left me. We have 2 lovely boys aged 15 & 11, a lovely house, no money worries and some great friends.

Last month my dad died and my husband told me the day after that he was very unhappy with our marriage and whilst he loves me he is not in love with me. I persuaded him to stay as i was so sad over my dad that I couldn't cope with what he was telling me. So for a month I tried to do everything to make him happy and to make him want me again. Things got much better and he get telling me we were going to be alright, he bought me presents and was much nicer to the boys. He has a really high powered job and is always working and I has always been really supportive of him - he never had to do anything round the house - despite working full-time I worked really hard to make sure that when he was home he could recharge.

So anyway yesterday he said he had tried but felt everything was forced and wanted to leave. I was so shocked and devastated as only the day before we had had such a nice time. we told the boys and they were crying it was truly awful - he left to stay at his mum and dads(who think he is mad for doing this) I just don't know how he can throw all these years away and everything we have without trying harder.

He is adament that there is none else and I believe him. He is 43 yrs old and recently I saw that he was looking for books on amazon called "How do i want to live my life" He has also just bought a really expensive road bicycle and has decided to ride from London to Paris in July (on our sons 16th bday which he says he didn't realise) He says he's always wanted to work abroad as well - news to me.

Anyway so here I am can't sleep for wondering what to do. I don't know if he has gone permantly cos he said he just needed space but if he doesn't love me then I can't see he will come back. I couldn't stop texting him yesterday and he was really supportive. Looking on here though has helped me see that I need to stop seeing him through rose coloured glasses and realise just how selfish he is being. I have resolved today not to contact him but really don't know if I can do this - I keep thinking that if I don't he will realise what he's lost and come back. I am trying so hard to be strong - my boys are helping and my family and friends have been great. but I love him and am hurting like hell.
thanks so much for listening and any support you can give.
x

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
In reply to: hels42
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 1:42pm

hey hels,


Read your post and it sounds terrible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: hels42
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 2:18pm

Hi ducky,


I'm the first to say be careful where you get your input from, so I'm glad you mentioned that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2008
In reply to: hels42
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 2:36pm
Well, I surely did not recommend for her to fall apart at the seams. Obviously we disagree. People make mistakes, and those that are in long running marriages will attest, and the degree of the mistakes varies widely. Your parents have a unique relationship. What you say that women should strive for is great advice in theory, but if your parent's example were to be everyone's aspiration, I'm afraid most people would be alone. In my opinion, they are the exception, not the rule. Sad statement on society today, but I believe it's true none-the-less. This woman didn't really say how he had been in the past - maybe this is his first big issue, and maybe he deserves a break - maybe not. That's the beauty of posting on this board - you get more than one opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
In reply to: hels42
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 9:47pm

Thank you all your posts do help.

Ducky -I do agree with you and I am trying to understand him. This is the first time he's never been there for us and just says he needs his space and time to be selfish. I can understand that but thats not a luxury I'm allowed is it? I'd never walk away from my kids - he never even texted them yesterday.

I'm damned whichever way I act - contact him and he runs, don't contact him and he thinks I'm strong and this allays his guilt and gives him the excuse to 'find his life'!

I texted him once yesterday which I think was good for me - today my dads ashes are being scattered at sea and this will be a day for remembering him only as I haven't yet been able to grieve properly because of worrying about my marriage.
Thanks again - this is such a help.

xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
In reply to: hels42
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 9:52pm

Why is it either fall apart at the seams OR let him go and play it cool? I'm reluctant to speculate what I would do after 20+ years of marriage and faced with this situation. I'd like to think I'd say "see ya" and pick myself up off the ground, but it's more likely that I'd be texting and calling and crying. At least at first.

A strong woman demands respect, but why do we think that precludes letting him know you're hurt? No, that does not mean that you have to grovel. It does not mean you make excuses for him, or tolerate wishy-washy behaviour. But maybe it means you say, "This is very hard for me, but you need to figure this out on your own" and start no contact, hold your head high, and do your very best to get on with your life. And yeah, in some cases, it's worth trying to work it out. Only the OP knows the history of this relationship.

I really like this board, and think most of the advice here is solid, but this idea that we should pretend to "not care" when someone hurts us is purely cosmetic as far as I'm concerned. It doesn't make it hurt any less when you try to act like you're superwoman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: hels42
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 11:26am

Funny, I never thought of my parents as the exception to the rule, I always thought of them as an example.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
In reply to: hels42
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 12:45pm

Sandra I would like to know what your mum thinks - I am struggling along still deeply upset but he phoned me last night to support me over my dad and I was very good on the phone - no begging, crying making him feel guilty so was proud of myself. Spoilt it all by texting him later that I love him. I apologised this morning saying it was just because I was emotional over my dads ashes etc - he said it was fine and told me to look after myself.

I keep kidding myself that given time he'll realise what he's losing - I can't think beyond this at the moment. My friends have been great and family and I am glad for this site.

I am a teacher so am keeping busy at work as well. I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to see what my financial situation is as this is really scaring me.

Thanks for listening and being there x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
In reply to: hels42
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 1:20am

god help me i did text him last night again - just said goodnight hope your day went well. he did reply and I told him that I just couldn't have complete no contact. Surely he can't expect that - even if its just to text to say he hopes all is ok - he has no idea what is going on at home, even to just ask after the boys. I dont think thats unreasonable of me to expect that after 22 years. I just don't know.

x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
In reply to: hels42
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 12:23pm

The one thing that everyone has always said to me through everything, is "I know how you feel.." and you wonder, "Do you really?" It's kind of comforting being around people that really do.


I'm not married; Never have been. I'm about as old as your marriage lasted; a young 23, however the life lessons I've been forced to learn have been ridiculous, but well learned!


Let me first say that what always has helped me through the 2 major breakups in my life; (one being 4 days ago!) is that I found my own personal "Word"... Theres always a word that you hear that makes you feel empowered; For me, it's strength, I don't know what it is about the word, but it does it for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
In reply to: hels42
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 4:02pm

thankyou so much - i do feel a bit stronger but he promised to call and hasn't yet so am waiting ... I just don't know whats happening at the weekend, where is he staying, will he see the boys (they keep asking) will he say its truly over? I keep telling myself that this wont kill me and was he much of a husband anyway? doesn't help much when I love him so.

xxThanks please keep being there for me i really need you all.x