Really Sad
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| Sun, 03-30-2008 - 11:47pm |
Hello
Found this site yesterday as I was looking for help to make me strong. I have been married for 22 years and yesterday my husband left me. We have 2 lovely boys aged 15 & 11, a lovely house, no money worries and some great friends.
Last month my dad died and my husband told me the day after that he was very unhappy with our marriage and whilst he loves me he is not in love with me. I persuaded him to stay as i was so sad over my dad that I couldn't cope with what he was telling me. So for a month I tried to do everything to make him happy and to make him want me again. Things got much better and he get telling me we were going to be alright, he bought me presents and was much nicer to the boys. He has a really high powered job and is always working and I has always been really supportive of him - he never had to do anything round the house - despite working full-time I worked really hard to make sure that when he was home he could recharge.
So anyway yesterday he said he had tried but felt everything was forced and wanted to leave. I was so shocked and devastated as only the day before we had had such a nice time. we told the boys and they were crying it was truly awful - he left to stay at his mum and dads(who think he is mad for doing this) I just don't know how he can throw all these years away and everything we have without trying harder.
He is adament that there is none else and I believe him. He is 43 yrs old and recently I saw that he was looking for books on amazon called "How do i want to live my life" He has also just bought a really expensive road bicycle and has decided to ride from London to Paris in July (on our sons 16th bday which he says he didn't realise) He says he's always wanted to work abroad as well - news to me.
Anyway so here I am can't sleep for wondering what to do. I don't know if he has gone permantly cos he said he just needed space but if he doesn't love me then I can't see he will come back. I couldn't stop texting him yesterday and he was really supportive. Looking on here though has helped me see that I need to stop seeing him through rose coloured glasses and realise just how selfish he is being. I have resolved today not to contact him but really don't know if I can do this - I keep thinking that if I don't he will realise what he's lost and come back. I am trying so hard to be strong - my boys are helping and my family and friends have been great. but I love him and am hurting like hell.
thanks so much for listening and any support you can give.
x

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I can understand, *Hugs*
That's a GREAT thought; "Was he much of a husband anyway?" ...you're effectively thinking now. I know right now it seems like NOTHING is going to make the pain go away. I've had a horrible day myself with my pain, which although bad, probably is half the size of yours.
Hi hels42,
My mom has said to me: "I love your father, but if he didn't want to be here, he can go.... there's the door."
I always thought i'd be strong enough to say that too but when it happens so suddenly shock sets in and all i can think of is how to save this.
He has called and I was very good to him - kept my dignity but did say that it wasn't acceptable for complete no contact because of the boys. He said he had wanted to contact but really didn't know what was the best thing to do. Trying to be really mature about this and have said he can have the car over the weekend to take the boys out - he sounded so tired. I have asked him to really think about this before it gets too far and he said he is.
I know some people would say just tell him to get out but I don't want to look back and think I never tried - so far we've had a good marriage (good in bed etc) no worries and I am hoping he will remember this - deluded? maybe.
xxx
I am so sorry this happened. I'm not sure what to says since I've never been in such a long relationship before. It is very irresponsible for him to do what he did and after reading other people's posts and opinions...I think they all have good points.
Here's my thoughts. If I were in your shoes I would "let him go" and "let him do as he pleases" and focus on yourself and your kids instead. I say this because (a) the more you push for someone to come back and come to their senses, the more they pull away and (b) having respect for yourself and being there for your kids and maintaining such a wonderful home/family will make you more attractive and make his desire, if any, to come home even more and (c) there is nothing you can do about his behaviors until he is willing to work with you on it. You can't work with someone who is running away. But I would also suggests that if he comes to his senses and does come back, I would have an open door for him because everyone makes mistakes and being part of a couple means understanding the other person's weaknesses and even sometimes inexcusable behaviors. It takes a stronger woman to forgive an inexcusable behavior than it is to just outright dump someone and end the relationship. I am not saying that by forgiving an inexcusable behavior such as your husbands, that that means you have to lose your dignity and backbone, far from it. I think by being able to forgive him when and if he does come back to his senses shows that you put your family first, your word about being there for each other "till death do us part" first, and above all, your sense of loyalty to him, to your kids, to the promises you made. But make sure that he is willing to change and is genuinely making an effort to do so because if he comes back half-heartedly and you forgive him with no real action on his part to change or if he is still unable to see how wrong he was, then I think THAT is when taking him back would be losing your backbone. I believe in second chances so long as the person genuinely wants to change because without all our mistakes, we wouldn't be the persons we are today.
My thoughts are with you.
Sarah
Edited 4/5/2008 1:46 am ET by sarahmrz
Talked to my Mom again today, and since you want to know, this is part of what she said. (Mind you, she's actually quite the opinionated sort, so take it as you may):
"Do not let him see you upset. Don't ask for the divorce, if he wants out, he can pay for that himself, but do agree with him. Agree with him, it'll catch him by surprise and knock him off his pedestal. And don't think he's not thinking he's so important, he is because a man doesn't leave his wife and family this way without thinking he's headed off somewhere better, so protect yourself. If he comes back you can deal with it then, but in the meantime, you protected yourself and your children."
On the agreeing with him part, I once heard an interview with one of the US's most successful marriage counselors, Homer McDonald, and that's the first thing he said, that when someone wants to break up, divorce, walk away, whatever, *agree* with them, it changes the dynamic right away.
That all being said, I haven't always agreed with my Mom's ways, however, I do recognize she's already past somewhere I've not gotten to. And one more thing, she said almost word for word what Carrie's mom said, she loves my dad dearly and hopefully she never has to face anything like that, but if my dad were to mess up, there's the door because there are *plenty* of men out there. Maybe it's that kind of **attitude** that keeps marriages together that long. Makes you work harder and respect what you do have, more than if you get too comfortable and take it for granted.
One huge suggestion to you, research Homer McDonald. He's a marriage counselor who's worked for many years saving marriages in very unconventional ways. Just Google him.
Main point I'm trying to make is that unless you change your attitude, and believe that you'll make it no matter what, all of this sadness and clinginesss you currently have going on and showing to your husband isn't gong to make him want to come back, it will, in fact, push him further away.
Good luck,
Thanks for your support I really appreciate it. x
Having my daily crying bout - really missing him but have not contacted him.
Can't believe i contacted an online psychic earlier and she said she is convinced there is another woman - I asked him again before he left and said that he had to tell me now if there is because I want to protect myself from further shocks - he said no there is not and there are no more secrets/shocks about to come out. I believe him in this so what she said was rubbish and don't know what I was doing - still desperate times, desperate measures!
any kinds words would be good. x thanks
Was doing well last night till his mum called me - she is shocked and upset as well. He hasn't told her much just that he is very tired and needs time alone. I cracked and text him to say shed called and that we all love him. He said he knows.
Feel quite ill with it all now - drained with trying to support him and being nice - I know I have to carry on and will and it helps to write on here. Just want to get to that place where I stop showing the sadness to him.
xxx
Hels,
My thoughts and heart are with you. Stay strong.... you will get through this!
*Hugs*
Katie
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