Really Sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
Really Sad
51
Sun, 03-30-2008 - 11:47pm

Hello

Found this site yesterday as I was looking for help to make me strong. I have been married for 22 years and yesterday my husband left me. We have 2 lovely boys aged 15 & 11, a lovely house, no money worries and some great friends.

Last month my dad died and my husband told me the day after that he was very unhappy with our marriage and whilst he loves me he is not in love with me. I persuaded him to stay as i was so sad over my dad that I couldn't cope with what he was telling me. So for a month I tried to do everything to make him happy and to make him want me again. Things got much better and he get telling me we were going to be alright, he bought me presents and was much nicer to the boys. He has a really high powered job and is always working and I has always been really supportive of him - he never had to do anything round the house - despite working full-time I worked really hard to make sure that when he was home he could recharge.

So anyway yesterday he said he had tried but felt everything was forced and wanted to leave. I was so shocked and devastated as only the day before we had had such a nice time. we told the boys and they were crying it was truly awful - he left to stay at his mum and dads(who think he is mad for doing this) I just don't know how he can throw all these years away and everything we have without trying harder.

He is adament that there is none else and I believe him. He is 43 yrs old and recently I saw that he was looking for books on amazon called "How do i want to live my life" He has also just bought a really expensive road bicycle and has decided to ride from London to Paris in July (on our sons 16th bday which he says he didn't realise) He says he's always wanted to work abroad as well - news to me.

Anyway so here I am can't sleep for wondering what to do. I don't know if he has gone permantly cos he said he just needed space but if he doesn't love me then I can't see he will come back. I couldn't stop texting him yesterday and he was really supportive. Looking on here though has helped me see that I need to stop seeing him through rose coloured glasses and realise just how selfish he is being. I have resolved today not to contact him but really don't know if I can do this - I keep thinking that if I don't he will realise what he's lost and come back. I am trying so hard to be strong - my boys are helping and my family and friends have been great. but I love him and am hurting like hell.
thanks so much for listening and any support you can give.
x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
In reply to: hels42
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 10:51am
thank you Katie - nothing stops me thinking about him and can't stop crying. He is ringing tonight and wondering if I should tell him not to call for a while so that I can get my head together - I am spending all day thinking "thats another hour gone - he'll call soon" but when he didn't call I couldn't handle that either. he had a shower here yesterday and have just washed his clothes which has broken me again. x
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
In reply to: hels42
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 11:08am

Hels,


Forgive me:


STOP THIS CYCLE!


Until you break contact, you will never get heal! I promise you. Just as you got so used to him calling, etc, you will get used to him not calling. It has to be done! A journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step.


You CAN do it, it's just a matter of WANTING to. Many of us don't WANT the other person out of our lives, o we hang on to whatever contact we can manage, even if it kills us. You have to figure out what you want more; Something that could never happen, and makes you feel worse...? Or Strength, Power to move on and find what we deserve.


When I was going through a breakup a few years ago, a girlfriend gave me this scenario, your story made me think of it.


Imagine going to your favorite restaurant; They have this soup that is to DIE for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
In reply to: hels42
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 11:37am
Thank you again - that is a good story and sums it up really. I am going to take a step at a time and start by not texting him before i go to bed. Then if I can do that hopefully will be stronger tomorrow to tell him not to call for a while. My eldest son is not being very nice to me but has been texting his dad lovingly - i feel like saying "so he's super dad now is he? Christ do you know what a bastard he has been doing this?" Of course I won't say that but it hard to stay strong when I think nobody cares anymore. x
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
In reply to: hels42
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 11:47am
Good for you! If you need to do it in steps, then go ahead! Just don't go backwards,or try not to. I knowyou feel that you aren't strong enough to go Cold Turkey, but I've found that most effective...but do what works for you... and as always, if you need to vent, I'm here, I Care, and so do we all!:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
In reply to: hels42
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 5:22pm
he called as he said he would - just general chit chat. Said he'd call tomorrow -said no call me Wednesday after I've met with your mother. He seemed relieved. Have been to my sisters and received such love from her that I feel stronger. Am not going to text him now as i have been doing every night -watch this space for if I manage this. xxx I will,I will,I will - no man is better than me!!!!!! xx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
In reply to: hels42
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 5:24pm
Strategy = leaving my phone downstairs. Goodnight x and goodnight to the most bastard man in the world!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
In reply to: hels42
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 3:12am

Well I managed it! Did not text him to say goodnight it was really hard but I did it. I even feel that I actually don't want to talk to him at the moment so that i stop analysing everything he says. got lots of activities lined up today so that should help.

Thanks for listening xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
In reply to: hels42
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 3:38am
good job!!! no contact really gets easier, once you've initiated it you actually want to keep it up. good for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
In reply to: hels42
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 4:08am
Thanks - really fighting the urge now -text my friend instead and walked the dog. Wish he had text me to see if i was ok and that hurts. x
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
In reply to: hels42
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 4:20am
i know you want to have instant results from not texting him. just give it more time. each time you have the urge tell yourself to go a few more hours and then keep doing that. let him get it in his head that you actually aren't going to call or anything.