Really Sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
Really Sad
51
Sun, 03-30-2008 - 11:47pm

Hello

Found this site yesterday as I was looking for help to make me strong. I have been married for 22 years and yesterday my husband left me. We have 2 lovely boys aged 15 & 11, a lovely house, no money worries and some great friends.

Last month my dad died and my husband told me the day after that he was very unhappy with our marriage and whilst he loves me he is not in love with me. I persuaded him to stay as i was so sad over my dad that I couldn't cope with what he was telling me. So for a month I tried to do everything to make him happy and to make him want me again. Things got much better and he get telling me we were going to be alright, he bought me presents and was much nicer to the boys. He has a really high powered job and is always working and I has always been really supportive of him - he never had to do anything round the house - despite working full-time I worked really hard to make sure that when he was home he could recharge.

So anyway yesterday he said he had tried but felt everything was forced and wanted to leave. I was so shocked and devastated as only the day before we had had such a nice time. we told the boys and they were crying it was truly awful - he left to stay at his mum and dads(who think he is mad for doing this) I just don't know how he can throw all these years away and everything we have without trying harder.

He is adament that there is none else and I believe him. He is 43 yrs old and recently I saw that he was looking for books on amazon called "How do i want to live my life" He has also just bought a really expensive road bicycle and has decided to ride from London to Paris in July (on our sons 16th bday which he says he didn't realise) He says he's always wanted to work abroad as well - news to me.

Anyway so here I am can't sleep for wondering what to do. I don't know if he has gone permantly cos he said he just needed space but if he doesn't love me then I can't see he will come back. I couldn't stop texting him yesterday and he was really supportive. Looking on here though has helped me see that I need to stop seeing him through rose coloured glasses and realise just how selfish he is being. I have resolved today not to contact him but really don't know if I can do this - I keep thinking that if I don't he will realise what he's lost and come back. I am trying so hard to be strong - my boys are helping and my family and friends have been great. but I love him and am hurting like hell.
thanks so much for listening and any support you can give.
x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
In reply to: hels42
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 4:26am
thank you - am cleaning all the kitchen cupboards! I am normally such a strong person it shocks me that I'm like this. x
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
In reply to: hels42
Wed, 04-09-2008 - 1:18am
completely broke down last night and told him that I had tried to be strong and support him but ignoring my feelings wasnt fair - he said he'd come home tonight to talk but I think I am having a nervous breakdown. I just cannot cope.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
In reply to: hels42
Wed, 04-09-2008 - 8:40am

Hels,


*hugs*


Give me an update of how you are...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
In reply to: hels42
Wed, 04-09-2008 - 10:44am

thanks - not good feel ill. Just waiting for him to come and am petrified over what he will say.

Everyone says stay strong and I have tried but it is the hardest thing to do.
x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
In reply to: hels42
Wed, 04-09-2008 - 10:47am

No one ever said it would be easy, but it surely will be worth it.


I've had a bad last 2 days, so I can understand... I was SO CLOSE to contacting the ex today...but I thought of all of you and wondered how I'd tell you all that i did it.... and of course letting myself down.


I resisted, and I'll get through this.


You will too... this WILL make you stronger....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
In reply to: hels42
Wed, 04-09-2008 - 11:09am
i hope so else I am going to be really ill - I just feel its unfair of him to receive the support from me to 'have his space' when he is not helping me through it as well. I'm the one at the thick end of things dealing with the house/kids and he's swanning round London every night!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: hels42
Wed, 04-09-2008 - 12:17pm

Hi


I've just found this site - looking for support for much the same sort of situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
In reply to: hels42
Wed, 04-09-2008 - 4:46pm

says he's back for good - has missed me and loves me. Says he can't hurt us all this much. Have told him he has to be really sure and he says he is. I will make sure things change and we don't get this far again - apparently I hadn't turned my phone off last night and he listened to me sobbing for ages. he is going to take me away on holiday soon.

Fingers crossed for me -I love him so much.
What a fantastic find this site has been for me and thankyou so much for helping me. So glad I put clean sheets on the bed today - can't wait to get him in it!

xxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: hels42
Wed, 04-09-2008 - 5:05pm
I'm so, so pleased for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: hels42
Wed, 04-09-2008 - 11:04pm

Good for you for being strong and yet going with your gut instinct the entire time. I've just returned from travel so I was unable to really keep up, but it seems the small act of posting as the waves of pain came helped you over some hurdles. I'm so glad for you that you were able to hold it together and are giving it a go.

One thing I wanted to add; no one is perfect, we all have our insecurities and doubts at times. It's good to show him you are receptive to listening and trying to comprehend his very personal fears and doubts even if you don't agree with them, but also to show him that while you hurt, you don't break so easily, either. You are neither fragile nor weak and it's important for BOTH of you to fully understand that and take it to heart.

Remember, just because he's back doesn't mean that his need for some change in his life has gone completely away. Figure out together, now that he's back, how to incorporate and support both of yours individual desires into your life together. There has to be more, especially as the kids get older, to your marriage than just raising a family together. A huge task, for sure, but it shouldn't be the only thing that binds you to each other.

I'd suggest a change of pace, a change of scenery, some shaking up around the place, and especially a HUGE importance on YOU focusing on being more than a mother and wife, if you haven't got interests and hobbies, groups or organizations outside of home that you fully participate in, DO IT NOW. Don't lose your Self in this marriage. Your husband will appreciate it and you'll thank me later ;-)

Best of luck,

Myspace CodesMyspace Text Generator, Myspace GraphicsMyspace Codes, Myspace GraphicsMyspace, Myspace CodesMyspace Codes, Myspace GraphicsMyspace Codes, Myspace Graphics

Myspace Codes