recent breakup - HELP
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| Fri, 12-03-2004 - 1:58pm |
My ex and I broke up about a month ago. We were together for 1 year and I was absolutely crazy about him, as he was about me.
BUT, he was immature, and after a lot of heart ache, and bad circumstances I was forced to break it off .
Of course we talked again, saying we both felt better, no underlying every day anxieties, etc. He tells me he still loves me, will always love me but that we weren't right for eachother. That is the truth - we are not right for eachother. HOWEVER, I miss him terribly and love him. Hearing that he was relieved we weren't together anymore was strange. However at least he admitted to me he didn't treat me right, as in he never respected me enough to put me above the level, and sometimes at the same level, as his friends. EVEN though we spent nearly every day together.
With that said, I do NOT intend to get back together with him , but here is the situation at hand:
We have been secretly meeting with eachother - he started it by randomly appearing at a bar he knew I was going to be at. Then, between last week and today we have had four other rendevous occasions. The first of two normal (sober) meetings was Monday night when he actually asked me to do something pre-10am.
BTW, we have talked on the phone, breifly but definately before this all started it.
We like to see eachother, and I dont believe he is instigating and perpetuating this because he is "using" me. I actually believe he doesn't know what he wants or what his actions are, but that is something that is NO GOOD FOR ME.
OK, so last night we were talking and I said to him that "I know we are not getting back together" and he sounded a little surprised - it wasn't blatant, but it was a tone. He expressed that he feels sleezy sneaking around like this and lying to his friends, which leads me to believe he has made up some proposterous story behind the motivation of our breakup to get sympathy from them. One of my friends knows and she is not MAD, she is concerned of course but my life is my life.
In a way, the rendez vous times ease the pain of the loss of a once very familiar person in my life. However, now that it has become a little regular it feels more like we are starting something again, but not "dating".
Has anyone gone through this? Because put most basically, I dont want to give him up even though I know he doesn't treat me right.

Hi Mystifying - your story sounds so familiar to me. I was and still am caught in a similar relationship.
He never had enough time for me, although he said he loved me. So we were seeing each other occasionally. We broke upone year ago, because I wanted more than just sex. But we work together, so we started seeing each other again.
In the beginning it was just sex. He said that and I agreed. I thought I could handle it. But I don't think you really can. You get involved, eeven if you don't want to. Then, when I tried to break it off, because I had enough, he said he'd fallen in love with me, I'm the only woman for him and he wants us to have a proper relationship. But this never happened. After a few more months he broke up with me, saying that he cannot have a woman in his life at this point. And now he's contacting me again. The scenario will repeat itself. If I allow it.
You need to figure out now what you really want. If you are in that stage in your life when you want to experiment and just have fun, then maybe it's ok to go on. But be wary. It's never easy. I don't think women can have just sex relationships. I think it's in our genes to want mroe. If you want more from a relationship, please break it off while you can. It gets more and more difficult as time passes. You will only end up getting hurt.
Let me know what decision you took. And lots of luck!
THANK YOU all for your responses.
I know this is a mess, and this mistreatment I spoke of was really lack of respect. He would make plans and blow me off occassionally, and was too cowardly to really be honest with me about his very confused emotions.
Example = he is trying to be nonchalant and casual. But on Friday night, he called me at 1am-ish. Why? He had gotten in a minor car accident and was very upset. We spoke and I tried to calm him down by telling my car accident history. Can u believe it, 26 and never had one accident - very lucky guy.
I asked if he wanted to share a smoke but he said know, then a minute later says; "Do you want to see me or not?" Of course I went over and we drove to sit by the beach and talked and ... and ultimately he says, "thanks for being so supportive." AHHHHH I DIDN"T THINK HE KNEW WHAT THE WORD MEANT? About a month before our breakup I was in a minor accident and to him, "what is the big deal." He was concerned ok, but not enough to come see me that night.
The mistreatment also included neglect to deal with any issues I may have been going through, so if I needed support, I rarely if EVER went to him because he was ALWAYS a let down.
Well, I called him yesterday afternoon at around 5ish to see if he was alright, if he got news about the car but he never picked up and the call went to voice mail and he hasn't called back.
Thankfully, I am really getting angry and his mistreatment, etc. is coming straight and clear, but I wish his mixed f-ed up signals would stop.
I will stay away, I'm going to try.
WHY DID HE CALL ME???? WHY REACH OUT TO ME THAT WAY AND IGNORE ME THE NEXT DAY???
"WHY DID HE CALL ME???? WHY REACH OUT TO ME THAT WAY AND IGNORE ME THE NEXT DAY???"
I would think the answer to that would be obvious. Because it's ALL ABOUT HIM! It was after midnight. He needed someone to come pick him up. I think chosing you is not about you, it's about him. He thinks more about his friends than he does you, he'd have to bother his friends to come and get him, he'd have to interrupt what they were doing, he didn't want to inconvenience his friends. But you, well, he knows you'll drop everything to come get him. He doesn't mind inconveniencing you. It's not a compliment or testement to his feelings for you. If it were, you wouldn't have been ignored the next day, you wouldn't be mistreated. But it's not about you, it's about him. He needed a ride, and he knew you'd come to his beck and call. It still goes back to his lack of respect.
"...but I wish his mixed f-ed up signals would stop."
You've got to stop looking at it as mixed f-ed up signals. He IS NOT sending you mixed signals. On the contrary, he is consistantly sending the signal that it's all about him, and he's just not that into you. Unless it's benificial to HIM, you don't matter.
"I will stay away"
Say it. Say it over and over, like a mantra. "I will stay away, I deserve better".
No, i didn't pick him up from the accident. He had driven his car back home, and I went there to get him and go for a ride in my car. He just wanted to talk and he asked if I would hang out for a little. I guess same thing.
Well, yesterday was HORRIBLE, and he never called and then I became so upset. I had driven my Grandparents home after having dinner and I broke down in the car, when he calls. He starts apologizing for not calling back sooner and talking about the repairs to take place on the car. Finally, after he took abreath, he asked if something was wrong and I sobbed back that yes, there was, and it was him.
We talked and I went over to see him and FINALLY, I told him how much of an assehole he was to me and to my feelings. We talked about us a litte - NO WE ARE NOT GETTING BACK. We hung out together for about an hour and I felt better because I think in the past I was afraid to blurt absolutely everything at him, and it also felt he was being a little more honest about his feelings on us and our breakup.
HOWEVER, I still feel like there is some link missing, particilarly his GIANT wall when it comes to complteely opening up. Well, I felt better after and today has actually been ok.
He asked where all that came from, and I said I dont know, it just suddenly hit me how bad things were, how bad he was, how I don't believe he really loved me and how he hurt my feelings so often.
He didn't actually admit to that, but did apologize for causing pain. He said we didn't make eachother happy, saying he just wanted more time with his friends - he had time, plenty of it and I would have happily let him more IF he told me in advance instead of making plans and then just breaking them at the last minute. Making promises, then breaking them. SO SELFISH.
YOU are right, it was always about him. I do believe that is what made me so ultimately unhappy.
We held hands last night and he was saying how hard it is going to be over the holidays. BAHHHH.
Tonight we are supposed to have wings together and a couple of cocktails. How much u wanna bet he cancels. I dont want him to though.
WHAT A DEBACLE?
DISCLAIMER: I think I have been ok though, generall I mean. It has been easier to get over now that we do see eachother from time to time. I just really have to somehow force my feelings and Libido to think otherwise someday.