Reeling from a fling

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Reeling from a fling
2
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:54pm

I had a fling with a guy two months ago, for a couple weeks. It was very physical but we were also good friends. I could tell after a couple weeks that he was backing off- not wanting to see me as often, calling less, not returning texts, etc. We finally had "the talk" one night after he'd invited me to a concert w/friends. He initiated it and we both agreed that we weren't right for each other. That was a couple weeks before Christmas. Even though I didn't show it, I was heartbroken- hadn't realized how emotionally attached I was. He called after Christmas to see how mine was, I didn't pick up, and called him back 3 days later. It was a bit awkward but we were both glad to talk. He thanked me for calling back and said "It's really good to hear from you." Then he called me a week after NY's, to see how mine was. It was great to talk and not awkward at all. Hanging up, he said "Don't be a stranger". A week after that, I made the mistake of calling, b/c I took that to mean "You're distancing me, don't- I want to talk to you more often." Left a message and he hasn't returned the call.

Sooo... I am really really hurting over this guy. The basic hurt from rejection even though I knew one of us had to break it off eventually. And I want to be friends and would never hook up w/him again, but am not sure if he does nor not. My questions are:

1) What did he mean by "Don't be a stranger" ?
2) Big mistake to call so soon, right? I kick myself for that every day. His BD is in a few days and the perfect thing would have been to wait til then, eh? Now I want to send a BD text, just to wish him a good one, don't want a call back or anything, but don't want to send the wrong message that I am dying to hear from him or something. I hate the idea of him thinking that I need him, miss him, etc. b/c I called so soon.
3) Will he ever call again? Did I totally screw things up by my call since he obviously doesn't want to talk?

I appreciate any thoughts. I read It's Called a Breakup b/c It's Broken yesterday- cried, empathized, it was great. But it doesn't take away the pain- I haven't hurt this much since my only other un-initiated breakup in high school. And the feelings don't change- funny how that works whether you're 16 o 26, right? (I'm 24) But I know better how to deal now, that helps. Thanks in advance.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 6:39pm

Hi there, you know my feedback from the other board (that you're not ready to be friends yet). Why not implement the 60 day no contact period suggested in the book? There's always NEXT year to wish him a happy birthday...you'll probably be ready to be friends by then!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 6:32pm

Lauren, I can symphatize with you - actually, our flings were in about the same time frame, and in the end he decided to go back to his exgf, and yes, sometimes it still drives me crazy and makes me sad. The length of a relationship isn't always a predictor of how long it takes to get through something. Someone on this board once said that getting over a short-term relationship is about mourning the relationship you didn't really get to have if that makes sense.

Even though I know its hard, try not to stress about whether calling or anything else made a difference - it really didn't. I am a firm believer that the end result is never determined by one phone call that was made, or not made.

I agree with Sheri that NC is best (unfortunately, I work with my fling, so I have a "no social contact" policy, but am faced with daily work interactions.) But as hard as it is, I would avoid any more contact for now. I think he knows you care, and I really think he cares too, just not in the way you want him too - which is understandably very frustrating. But space will help you to move on, and then hopefully you can be friends again down the line-

Best wishes and a hug-