Relapse after 2mths...help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
Relapse after 2mths...help!!!
4
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 11:21am

I haven’t posted in a while…but still read the boards (this is such a safe haven for all of us). Now after doing well...I need a little clarity, some tough love, and a little push. I broke up with my ex after 8mths in February this year…well we kept it going on and off till I took the initiative back in April to make it stick. Problem was he was just the best ever, at least for me (I’m 37 and think my time for having a child and some companionship in my life is slowly dwindling...i'm truly tired of it all). Romantic, attentive, chivalrous, spiritual, intelligent, if I needed anything I need not ask twice a self-esteem boost, help moving, water or something to eat in the middle of the night, a massage….okay let me stop!. Too good to be true right? Kinda! When I wanted to go over to his house one night he told me it was too late for me to come…at 8:30. So after six months I asked and he told me the truth that he’d also being dating someone else he met around the same time he met me. Said it was complicated he knew but the simplest way to explain he said was that he cares immensely for me. Even said he loved me! It took forever to pull away after trying NC over and over again...he’d always contact me and I would always respond.

Long story short he is still ‘dating’ this other woman (pisses me off…I don’t think she knows)…he admits to them also being as intimate as we were (thank God we always used protection.) He also has an active yahoo profile (this is my problem!) I keep checking to see if he’s logged on…then I say to myself…Ahh! He’s obviously not so into this other woman (he uploaded new pics two weeks ago plus responded to a profile my friend created…wanted to meet her). But it’s like I won’t give myself the permission to move on by snooping on his profile…help please how do I stop???????? I tried once and only lasted a week. I am going to start counseling next week because I still feel he’s the best thing that ever happened to me and except for his ‘dating others’ issue we’d be perfect together (there's something wrong with this thought) I know I can’t change him to want to be with just me….so why can’t I forget and really move on????
In an email responding to our BU in May he said I never want you to be hurt. You deserve the best.........and I am not the best (accompanied by five pics of himself….why?)

I haven’t been back to his place since April and had NC for all of May until I heard he’d be wondering about me and a recent surgery…so I broke NC and told him by email my surgery was two weeks away….this is his email responding (accompanied by two pics of himself...again..why?)

It is sooo good to hear from you. I have been thinking about you.....worrying about you. No matter what I will still care about you , and wish you the best. I have been wondering if you had your procedure and if you were alright. I wanted to write and call, but I know you ask me not to do either, so I wanted to respect your wishes. If you need anything do not hesitate to call......you know I mean it. I know how it is after surgery......even little things can be hard to do at first. If you do not want to talk....just write me and let me know how you are doing.

I responded and told him a friend will be taking me in and one should be taking me back home but that I wasn’t sure. Five days later he sends me this email…

How are you? I hope you enjoy the 4Th. How is your family? Did you find out if your friend is going to take you home after your procedure? What time are you going to have it and where. Do you mind if I visit if I get a chance, or would you rather that I do not bother you? I wish you the best... I will be praying for you.

I had the surgery 2 weeks ago and I am doing well… he’s checked up on me every other day since.
Though I refuse to call him I’m back to checking his profile everyday to see if he’s logged on, thinking more and more “this guy really cares for me” “this girl he’s with is not the one”. Reality check please….I know he hasn’t changed and can’t give me what I want..how do I stop the thoughts?!!!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 12:44pm

Well, I know it sounds simplistic but I have no other way of describing it--you make a decision that you're going to do it (whether it's stopping your thoughts or not checking his profile any more), and you stick to that decision, one day at a time.

I'm glad you're going to counseling--you need to get out of the mindset that this guy is so great. He may have all sorts of wonderful qualities, but you have to take the bad with the good--and the bad is, he's not willing to be monogamous, and he's not an honest person.

Whenever you start thinking about him, you need to turn your thoughts around so that those negative qualities are what you remind yourself of.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 1:39pm

Hi minismall,


You have to practice self-restraint when it comes to his profile. You have to be your own watch dog and do what's right for you.


This part "because I still feel he’s the best thing that ever happened to me and except for his ‘dating others’ issue we’d be perfect together (there's something wrong with this thought) I know I can’t change him to want to be with just me….so why can’t I forget and really move on????"


This is part ego talking and part false hope thinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 6:24pm

The main danger here is that you seem to think that because he's writing and calling with niceties about your surgery it means he must care about you.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 9:21pm

Thanks all.

Sandra he did actually offer to take me home from the hospital (left a voicemail the day of my surgery)...but I had another girlfriend do it.

I reread my post...how sad I've been over this loser. I still will go to counseling only because I need to deal with esteem issues...and I've made myself accountable to not check his profile...thanks again