Relapsing................please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Relapsing................please help
4
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 3:05pm
I can't believe I'm writing this, but I woke up this morning in tears.

I'm angry. I'm sad. I want to see him. I want to speak to him.

I am the NO CONTACT queen. To everyone around me, I am doing amazing!! After 3.5 weeks, why am I relapsing like this? I KNOW we're not getting back together. I deserved much better than what he turned into. 2 months before the actual break up, this man started becoming so distant towards me. When I would try to communicate with him, (something he encouraged in the past) he would tell me that he does not "feel things" like I do. According to him, he's a loner, he's logical, he lacks emotional, and he never complains.

I gave him the easiest break-up in the world. I was very calm, and we talked for hours. I never tried to change his mind. I didn't scream or yell, and afterwards, I never called. None of the drama he's used to. I backed away gracefully, because any other reaction wouldn't have made a difference anyway. If nothing else, I have my pride.

With all that being said. Why is today so hard for me? Why the @#$% do I want to talk to him. I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone I know how I'm feeling.

He did not agree with NC. He felt that it took time to come together, and just cutting contact so abruptly is unnatural. I disagreed, because I know from experience how keeping in contact can breed confusion. Now, I'm wondering if he was right. I feel like I need to talk to him, but I don't know why. Anytime I get the urge, I call a friend instead.

Any words of wisdom will be appreciated.

Thank you

-Izuri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 6:12pm
You're a very strong woman, I can tell from your posts. I'm feeling the same thing (and ditto the tears)...after 4 months of NC I feel the inexplicable urge to be in contact the last week or so. I'm just trying to fight that urge, think about something else, and hope it passes, so I don't do anything stupid.

The main reason not to call (at least for me) is that I know it won't do any good. In fact, it would almost certainly be counterproductive - for my own state of mind. It's funny how one part of me thinks if I got in contact maybe it would make a difference but the other, wiser part of me, knows it wouldn't.

I wish I had a better answer. Anyone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 6:18pm
I Zuri,

I think you are very strong. It is very natural to want to contact him. I mean, really... how can you totally cut someone who has been such an important part of your life without ever thinking of them again. It is not possible.

Instead of calling him, write him a letter... but don't give it to him. I have a notebook that I write letters in and I always feel better in the end. I usually end up getting angry and realize that it is best that I am not with him.

Just know that you are not alone and you will get through this. Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 7:11am
Hello Izuri,

It is so difficult to give you any advice. Most of us feel the same about it. It is so frustrating to feel such an intense desire to call him and at the same time to know that it will be worse for us to do that.

The break up with my ex was very similar to yours, he was very distant in the last months and avoided to communicate what was going on with him. Last time we saw, I remained quiet and calm and for a while I respected the no contact rule. Three weeks later I just couldn't stop thinking about emailing him, I needed to talk to him. And I did send him an email and it was such a relief because I know that once all the possibilities of a reconciliation are closed there is no hope and the healing process can begin.

Of course it is different for everyone, there is not a manual to tell you what you should do. We all are different and our relationships were different. Only you know what is the best thing to do to move on.

Iliana

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 12:44pm
Izuri... you asked why you feel this way... angry, sad, in tears... what you are experiencing is pretty darned normal! It's not a relapse, it's part of the grieving process that most of us go thru... I am in the same boat right now... I was doign great for a couple weeks... just sorta moving along and then bam! For the last three days I've been a wreck again... depressed, in tears, ticked off... these are all normal stages of grieving. It doesn't mean that you are going backwards, it is a PART of healing, of moving forwards. I know that doesn't make it any easier to feel the pain but please DON'T be embarassed that this hurts... of course it hurts... you no longer have a part in the life of someone you care deeply for...

I believe that often we think that when we have a good day, week, month, that we must be "over" it... in reality, it means that we're getting there... but that doesn't mean we're there yet... just on our way... it takes some time to recover from this type of loss... I was married for 9 yrs and I know that it's unrealistic for me to think that I'm over it a month after he finally moved out... it's just gonna take time... BUT I know that those good times will get loooonger every time until one day, those times I wake up crying and mad will finally stop happening... someday I will wake up ready to take on life and find someone who will love me the same way I love them...