Relationship with my affair partner
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| Tue, 08-24-2004 - 3:15pm |
In a nutshell...I am married, getting divorced. He is married with small child. We started an affair while I was separated and he was still in his house.
Quite unexpectedly, we fell in love. I decided to divorce (not based on this but it was a factor). He stayed with his wife but we talked about a possible future together. A few months ago, she found out.
His job is lousy and he had no money to be out on his own. He begged her to take him back, and allowed her to call me and threaten me if I ever talked to him again.
We got back together a week later, couldn't live without each other. He left his house and moved in with a friend for a while, but had to go back to his house b/c of money after a little while.
A few weeks later he told her he wanted a divorce, and left for his friends house again. I got an apartment, and he's basically been living with me since.
On Sunday, he had an attack of conscience and said he couldn't live without seeing his daughter every day. So he left me to go home, AGAIN.
Four hours later, he was back. Seems his wife's terms for coming back were not palatable. I took him back in.
Now, I don't know if I did the right thing. He could leave again at any time and I'm not convinced the only reason he's with me is because she wouldn't budge on her demands and is writing him off (not positive of this, but she did email me yesterday to say "you can have him" and told him she's filing for divorce on Friday).
I pay for literally everything (he can't even buy me a cup of coffee). And he can't even call me from his cell phone because his wife thinks we're not still seeing each other. When he left to go back on Sunday, he gave away to Goodwill about $800 worth of clothing I'd purchased for him as gifts.
I just think I am stupid for taking him back. I don't know if I can stand the uncertainty and pain of him leaving again. I am so in love with him, that it hurts, but I am constantly worried that he'll take off and I'll be devastated. I'll be devastated too if I kick him out, but at least perhaps I'd have some self-respect?
I should tell him to leave until his divorce is final. He I think has shown some bad character flaws by bouncing back and forth between his wife and me for months. Sounds like at least she's got the sense to not let him come back again, though I don't know that for sure. I have a feeling she might (after tons of groveling from him) for the sake of their kid.
I know he loves me. But this relationship is killing me and I don't know if it will ever get better.
Thanks for listening, and good wishes to all of you.

As you asked, not here to judge but why would you want to stay with a man who has begged his wife to take him back and allowed her to call to threaten you? You stated that he came back to you one week later... Do you ever wonder if he came back because maybe she threw him out and his choices were limited? I would certainly arrive at that conclusion. I honestly can't see how you can believe that you can't live without each other. You know he wants her by your own comments...
Four hours later, he was back. Seems his wife's terms for coming back were not palatable. I took him back in.'
I'm not trying to be harsh here but if you read your own post you have to realize that he would be with his wife if she would accept him back but because she doesn't, he's with you, not because he can't live without you.
I am sorry to say this but I can't see how you can feel he really loves you. If he loved you he wouldn't be begging his wife to take him back, he would be happy he's rid of her and with you now.
You seriously need to show him and his belongings the curb. Good luck.